So upset with pils

[Malinia]

I'm upset with my in laws and need somewhere to talk it through. It might get long because there's backstory and context.

So, in laws have always been a bit shit. They rarely if ever visit us and in very recent months that's become pretty much impossible due to fils anxiety which he refuses to get treatment due, and mil struggling to walk (which she has in large part bright upon herself by not doing anything about her health issues). Yes I'm resentful that they have happily embraced being unable to leave the house because it puts a lot of pressure on us

We live two hours away, and have two children with sen plus eldest has a health condition which means she gets extremely fatigued and often needs to use a wheelchair. It's not easy to travel with her, it needs planning and managing.

My parents have had various health issues, mostly more serious than pils, including both having cancer, dad having heart surgery (to be fair fil had similar surgery some years ago) ace then my mum got very ill from chemo related infection, had heart failure and has direct the last nine months getting more and more frail into she died on Monday this week.

Mum was the only one of the four grandparents to be a decent grandparent to my kids. Pils and my dad all ignore them when we visit, my pils literally will sit in silence on their phones when we go to visit. The kids now hate going there. My dad is as bad but my mum was great and they loved her.

So mum died on Monday and yesterday was DDs birthday. Obviously this was a difficult day with us all feeling sad. My dad and brother came to us for lunch to celebrate but we didn't do anything else.

Gifts wise, both sets of parents and my brother transferred money to me and dh for us to buy the gifts. They've done this for years but I don't like it, it makes me responsive for all thinking, buying, etc.

Bil doesn't even send cards, let alone gifts the the kids. They barely know he exists. I don't know why he is so uninterested.

Anyway, yesterday was hard and late evening I realised pils had not phoned to wish DD happy birthday. I checked with her Tuesday as they didn't text either. DH spoke to his dad and he said they forgot.

I'm so angry and upset. My kids have three grandparents and have just had a bereavement (I've had no card or text or anything off them expressing condolences) and pils forgot their only granddaughter?? They have literally nothing to do all day, they just sit in their armchairs all day.

DH hasn't told me the full conversation yet but I just don't know if I can get over this. I feel they've completely let my daughter down. She needed everyone left making her birthday as happy as possible. My dad and brother put themselves out to do that despite us all grieving so hard right now, and pils forgot!!?!!

How do I deal with this? I feel like I never want to talk to them again.

You're right to not reply immediately.

I think you're also right to put the same amount of effort into them as they put into you, @Malinia

Love flows from time and interest spent with family. Disabled and housebound people have plenty of available ways to show interest .... if they want to.

It's okay to take a long and thoughtful step back from people who basically aren't involved in you or your children's lives, and give only what you want to and can. Sometimes there are turning points and this is one.

You can choose to ensure they are fundamentally okay and cared for as the parents of your husband, but you don't have to like them or stretch yourself very thin for them. You have a great deal on your playe as it is.

Im sorry for your mother's death. I know how much it hurts, and how very much it feels like your own heart is broken.

Ah OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
You are feeling it particularly strongly at the moment for obvious reasons.
I would say try not to fall out with pils over this. It’s your DH’s battle to fight.

sorry about your mum op. Gently, I wonder how much of this is anger at your dad and knowing how his lack of interest will be more obvious now. In all of this there’s 3 grandparents who appear to lack a meaningful connection to you and your family and it’s probably easier to be cross with the ones you’re not related to.

Don’t respond. Take a huge step back.

I wouldn’t facilitate any further visits to PILS. I wouldn’t bother contacting them at all.

Leave it all to DH. You don’t have to deal with them. You don’t have to see them.

I am sorry for your loss. 💐

I would say don’t make any decisions about your ILs (confronting them, cutting off/down contact) at the moment. Your grief regarding the loss of your mum must still be hugely raw, as she only died a few days ago. Take your time, let emotions settle down a bit. You will be left with the harsh reality that your DC have lost the grandparent they were closest to and that is going hurt. It may be the case that your own dad now steps up a bit. He did, after all, come to see your DD on her birthday and that was literally just 2-3 days after he lost his wife of many years. That must have been very hard for him. I think, in his position, I would still have been crying my eyes out at home and not fit for any kind of company, even family.

I have spent many a time ranting to DH about my dad don't worry about that! But I do also hold my dad to account and say things to him which DH has always refused to do to his parents up until now.

I am very aware that the children have lost the only grandparent who actively showed interest in them and made them feel loved and special.

I will be working with my dad to try and make sure that he does things but we have asked pils in the past to send postcards or very small gifts like a tiny packet of haribo in the post just so the children know they are thought of and loved and they never do it.

I know that if I call my dad and ask him to do something like that then he will, he just doesn't think about these things himself because he is autistic and works a bit like a computer, he needs programming and giving instructions but he will at least follow the instructions whereas pils will hear the instructions and then do absolutely nothing.

Thank you and yes I agree that this is a turning point for me in our relationship with them. For some time I have been basically forcing the children to go around and see them. It is a little tricky because we live two hours away and they live in the same town as my parents but do not have anywhere we can stay so we have always stayed with my parents and then popped around to visit pils and increasingly the children have not wanted to go around to somewhere where they are ignored and sit in silence because it is absolutely excruciating.

We are going up tomorrow to see my dad and DH is going to go and see his parents but I have said to him that I will give the children free choice as to whether they wish to go around or not because as you say this is a turning point and I no longer feel that I want to make them go around and to see people who seem so supremely uninterested in them even though I know that in reality they do love and care for them they just seen completely incapable of showing that in any way even when we are literally in front of them.

I do not understand this level of emotional illiteracy and I don't know how to deal with it.

Yes I thought that too. I offered it to him as an option in case he wanted to and he absolutely jumped at the chance and enjoyed it immensely. I think he is feeling the need to have family around him as much as possible and although it's difficult because we live a couple of hours away I will be making sure we see him regularly and I think I can help him to step into Mum's shoes a little bit in terms of the children.

I’m really sorry for the loss of your mum

I was in a similar situation to you. My children had my mum and dad, my husband’s mum and his dad and second wife. My mum was by far the most involved and loving grandparent and she died first out of all of them. I remember being so angry at the unfairness of it all. My MIL was a good grandparent but very judgmental towards me and my husband’s father and his witch of a second wife didn’t bother with our children AT ALL. I made it clear what I thought of them and then stepped back. I didn’t remind DH to ring them, or take the kids to their house. Nothing. His dad has died now but they didn’t even send my youngest an 18th card on their birthday.

Like you, I was so tempted to write to them and tell them exactly how shit they’d always been but I sat on my hands and left it. I have next to nothing to do with my husband’s family now and it’s the best thing I ever did.

I do also hold my dad to account and say things to him which DH has always refused to do to his parents up until now.

it’s not on you to show adults older than you how to show interest. Your dad obviously did at some point or he would have never married. There’s a massive gulf between how angry you are with pil where you are teetering on never visiting and with your dad you’re actively supporting him because he’s just thoughtless. I do hope you see the obvious contradiction. You’re in a lot of pain right now it’s going to take a lot of time to feel better I hope you have friends who are interested in you who you can talk to. Ive also had to accept a very low level of interest from people you’d expect more from. The good news op is that the world is full of wonderful people ready to see how lovely you and your family are. And if we fill our life with reciprocal relationships the ones that aren’t just wither and we don’t notice. You needn’t miss out on warm connections just because the people with the same dna as you are functioning emotionally at a lower level.

I do not understand this level of emotional illiteracy and I don't know how to deal with it.

I do sort of get it due to some not-very-pleasant close family. I know enough not to blame them now, people are people and you never know exactly why they develop into the person they are, sometimes there are reasons, sometimes not; there's no point judging really, eventually.

But equally I put my effort into the people who are interested and make sometimes-considerable effort into being there for my children. It has frankly hurt a great deal to get to that point, but I had to face the actual facts. It was not family who cared for my children; it was what you might call honorary family - close friends who came to see them, sent presents, talked to them, took them for walks, showed interest. Those are the people that I cared and care about, and make an effort for. My mother would have cared, but the rest don't. Go where you and yours are loved and wanted, @Malinia

Why do you think your husbands parents love and care for your children? Believe people's actions.

Give the peppers much regard as they give you. Archive their texts, leave them to their son. Sorry for your loss

There's no contradiction I see all of them as thoughtless. I have been clear that I don't think there's malice involved with my in-laws but their thoughtlessness is for them and DH to deal with just like i deal with my dad. And my dad didn't forget his granddaughters birthday whereas my in-laws did so I'm angry at them for that and I don't need to be angry with my dad for that because he didn't do that. I'm not sure why you think there's a contradiction.

So sorry for your loss. Losing your lovely mum who was actually a good grandparent will no doubt make you look even more critically at your in laws who are the opposite. You don’t owe them anything, don’t visit. Don’t ring. Match their energy.

Part of my upset is that there aren't any other people there is only the family and the reason to even the wider family really because my aunt has been awful and self-centered through my mum's illness and her death and my husband's family is not close with anyone else in their family either.

And we just don't have those kinds of relationships with non-family people either although I have tried really hard over the years to make connections.

So my children really do only have the immediate family so it is especially noticeable when they let us down.

I’m sorry for your loss and yes that’s shit of then to forget, especially when reminded.

i do think though, gently, the card to your father and family is fine, they are not suggesting your mother wasn’t family. It was to be inclusive. So I think maybe some of this is an outlet for your grief misdirected.

but yes on the happy birthday it’s crap.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your Mum sounds like she was among the best of the best.
Your PILs sound like a waste of your time and energy. Don't waste another ounce on them and let your husband deal with them.

You have misunderstood that bit completely. My point was that he has sent a card to "my father and family" when my mum has just died and that will upset my dad because my mum was family.

I'm not saying they were saying she wasn't I'm saying that it is insensitive to address it in that way, plus I think they should have sent me a card directly and not just included me as "and family" on a card to a house I don't live in and have never lived in.

@Malinia I'm sorry, I see why you so want involved and loving grandparents. It sometimes seems that those who die young are the best.. or maybe it's that they are the most missed.

It's not the same, but in a practical sense it can be something, if only a pale shadow of a grandparental relationship, if the children go to sports / crafts / interest clubs when they are older. Sometimes good leaders can be a very good influence on growing children. It's not the same I know, but it's maybe worth considering for later.

Im sorry they won't get to have more memories of their grandmother.