My ex and I were together for almost 5 years. It was long distance and he only came to visit once but I was sure we had a future together because we spent literal years talking about it. He knew how much I wanted children. He knew how big of a trigger it was to see others our age having children, and he’d always comfort me and promise me that’d be us one day. I’m autistic and fear being alone and falling behind in life. I’m also an only child so if I don’t have children then I’ll have no family left at some point. I also have BPD. I’m only 22 at the moment, but the triggers just worsen as I’ve seen so many Facebook friends posting announcements when I’m still completely alone now that my partner of 5 years left me. When one of our friends got pregnant a couple years ago, I had meltdowns for months because I was so upset and jealous. He knew how upset it made me and he’d spend HOURS comforting me. HE KNEW.
Only about a month after we broke up, he got into a new relationship. That was bad enough for me. My nan had died the day before he left too. I was already struggling, and knowing he was giving someone else what I had broke me. But then I got the worst news of my life. He’d gotten her pregnant, after just a month. The future I spent years believing we would have together was suddenly given to someone else. Worst of all, he tried his best to prevent me from finding out! HE SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! I genuinely made attempts on my life over it. It makes me feel so useless!! I genuinely have been left to feel like I’m not worthy of love in any capacity and that I should genuinely just die. He also gave her an expensive ring when I got a £5 one. He went to therapy when she told him to yet refused to take my advice on therapy for YEARS. It makes me feel completely useless. I’m aware I’m extremely ugly and I also got fat recently (which was only for pregnancy so now I’m losing the weight and becoming underweight again). I also wasn’t always the best partner, I had a gambling addiction and would get upset if he didn’t help me pay off my debts, but would always apologise. But did I really deserve all this?
People have also been so nasty to me over this because they just don’t understand. They ended up losing it which was relieving at the time in my unwell state but that was short lived because no one deserves to lose a baby and it shouldn’t have been made in the first place. I’m still unwell over the fact that his DNA lives inside her when it’s supposed to be me. Mentally and physically. Even my own dad is refusing to talk to me because I said and did horrible things during my BPD episode. Almost all my friends turned on me because of how I behaved. But this was the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened and I genuinely lost control. I’m struggling to sleep, I’m extremely anxious all the time, when I found out I was constantly fighting the urge to vomit and I was actually sick in my mouth at some point. I lost weight from the stress. So many people are on his side and not mine. BPD is so demonised and I hate it. People need to realise it’s from trauma. I’m already in therapy and waiting for DBT. I’m also going on dates with someone new which is helping and she’s really supportive and shares the same life goals as me but we’re both biological females so we’ll have to wait for it. He didn’t. He just gave the life I wanted to someone skinnier, richer and prettier and overall better.