My ex made me ill and now everyone hates me

[sockling]

My ex and I were together for almost 5 years. It was long distance and he only came to visit once but I was sure we had a future together because we spent literal years talking about it. He knew how much I wanted children. He knew how big of a trigger it was to see others our age having children, and he’d always comfort me and promise me that’d be us one day. I’m autistic and fear being alone and falling behind in life. I’m also an only child so if I don’t have children then I’ll have no family left at some point. I also have BPD. I’m only 22 at the moment, but the triggers just worsen as I’ve seen so many Facebook friends posting announcements when I’m still completely alone now that my partner of 5 years left me. When one of our friends got pregnant a couple years ago, I had meltdowns for months because I was so upset and jealous. He knew how upset it made me and he’d spend HOURS comforting me. HE KNEW.

Only about a month after we broke up, he got into a new relationship. That was bad enough for me. My nan had died the day before he left too. I was already struggling, and knowing he was giving someone else what I had broke me. But then I got the worst news of my life. He’d gotten her pregnant, after just a month. The future I spent years believing we would have together was suddenly given to someone else. Worst of all, he tried his best to prevent me from finding out! HE SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! I genuinely made attempts on my life over it. It makes me feel so useless!! I genuinely have been left to feel like I’m not worthy of love in any capacity and that I should genuinely just die. He also gave her an expensive ring when I got a £5 one. He went to therapy when she told him to yet refused to take my advice on therapy for YEARS. It makes me feel completely useless. I’m aware I’m extremely ugly and I also got fat recently (which was only for pregnancy so now I’m losing the weight and becoming underweight again). I also wasn’t always the best partner, I had a gambling addiction and would get upset if he didn’t help me pay off my debts, but would always apologise. But did I really deserve all this?

People have also been so nasty to me over this because they just don’t understand. They ended up losing it which was relieving at the time in my unwell state but that was short lived because no one deserves to lose a baby and it shouldn’t have been made in the first place. I’m still unwell over the fact that his DNA lives inside her when it’s supposed to be me. Mentally and physically. Even my own dad is refusing to talk to me because I said and did horrible things during my BPD episode. Almost all my friends turned on me because of how I behaved. But this was the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened and I genuinely lost control. I’m struggling to sleep, I’m extremely anxious all the time, when I found out I was constantly fighting the urge to vomit and I was actually sick in my mouth at some point. I lost weight from the stress. So many people are on his side and not mine. BPD is so demonised and I hate it. People need to realise it’s from trauma. I’m already in therapy and waiting for DBT. I’m also going on dates with someone new which is helping and she’s really supportive and shares the same life goals as me but we’re both biological females so we’ll have to wait for it. He didn’t. He just gave the life I wanted to someone skinnier, richer and prettier and overall better.

To all the people telling OP that it "wasn't a real relationship" that's really condescending and hurtful.
When you have severe mental ill health, your ability to have a physical relationship can be majorly affected, but you still have the same desires for relationships and those connections as a mentally healthy person.
I'm 36 now, but i was housebound by severe OCD as a teen and my first 2 relationships were long distance with men i met online, and they were very real thank you very much. Just as real as my last relationship in which i did see my partner in person regularly. You can have 100% of the emotional side of a relationship without seeing your partner in person, in fact it can be even more intense because you can't see them in person. And yes, you absolutely do plan for the future, just like any other couple.

To the OP, i am very sorry that you are hurting. What i have learned the hard way with my 5 1/2 year relationship ending recently, is that 2 people with mental ill health, doesn't work well. You struggle so much with your own issues, that it burys you when they then pressure you for your support with their illness.
My ex couldn't afford to live alone instead of with his mum, but she downsized and he ended up signing a rental he couldn't even close to afford. Both of them expected me to cover over £300 a month, and i'd get blackmailed by him with threats of harming himself to pay up, which made me resent him, feel completely trapped and want out. I can only assume this is how your ex felt about your gambling and pressuring him to clear your debt. Its really not fair to put that expectation on somebody, especially when they aren't a spouse and you don't live together or have joint finances.It will cause bad feeling that kills a relationship. Gently, that is financial and emotional abuse, and nobody should be treated that way.

I know from experience how inadequate the NHS mental health care is, and how painfully long waiting lists are, but i hope you get the input you need soon.

22 is so young, you've barely started your adult life. You've got nearly 2 decades to find someone compatible and be able to hopefully get pregnant naturally, so please, try not to blow it out of proportion that this relationship wasn't the one. You have plenty of time to get stable before even thinking about having a family.

I know it was awful of me and I feel like I deserve everything that happened to me and far worse on top

OP you are not in the right mental state to have a healthy, functional relationship let alone have a child. You need a lot of therapy and support working on yourself before you should be even entertaining the idea of a relationship.

You're very young, very emotionally immature and you have all the time in the world to get yourself into a better place. Don't get a pet, stick to plants for now and focus on yourself. Build a friendship with the other girl, neither of you are ready for a relationship or you risk it just ending up completely codependent and dysfunctional.

No, things that happen in life aren’t to punish us. Some things happen because of bad luck, just random chance. Other things are a consequence of things we do.

People will try and protect themselves from you, because your behaviour scared or damaged them. You will need to show them that you’re better at staying calm, so they can learn to trust again.

But bad things don’t happen to punish us. Sometimes bad people want to punish us. But most of the time people are just trying to live their own lives, not to punish anyone else.

From what you’ve posted it’s probably best if you just concentrate on yourself for now, you’re having a really tough time by the way you’ve written your posts and bringing another person into your life who also has mental health issues isn’t a good plan. Whatever happens I wish you all the best but I do think you need to give yourself a break from romantic relationships for now.

I’ve been single long enough, but I’m waiting for the right moment

It’s not about time and how long you’ve been single.

It’s about your mind frame and from what you’ve said here, you’re not strong enough to date anyone.

Can someone explain why being done with men means you just move to a relationship with a woman? Surely that’s not healthy.

I’m bisexual…

You know bisexuality exists right 😂

Of course I do. But it’s not clear here.
There is a huge difference between being bisexual and saying I’m done with men, whilst still being obsessed with a man, and then bringing another vulnerable woman into the mix.

I really feel for you op. I highly recommend while waiting for your therapy, join some groups that meet in person for neurodivergent groups and BPD groups. It will be a lifeline for you.

You need IRL support so I would look at charities near you and see who offers what. Also join some online on Facebook. I have joined a few that meet up through Facebook. You can do this. Keep away from this man and tell mutual friends not to tell you anything at all.

You have one life, do not waste it thinking about the what ifs. You need to be mentally stable before any thinking of being a parent. You are only 22. A baby will not fix things in your life and you will still have plenty of time in the future. Best advice for future dating is do not put all of your eggs in one basket. I.E do not pin all your hopes on one person as it will make you spiral. Being okay with yourself and relying on yourself is the way forward. Others can not make you feel safe as we cannot put people on pedestals. They will let you down because they are just human.

BPD often stems from childhood trauma so I would highly recommend EMDR as well.

I am ND too so I know how much ruminating can happen. But you're actually hurting yourself thinking about it all the time.
I don't think a cat is a bad idea tbh. If you're sure you can look after it then it will give you unconditional love that you're craving.

I wish the best for you.

Please do not get a pet. They are not a substitute baby and are often very hard work, especially for someone who cannot look after themselves.
For example, this week my dog has had huge abcess, I have spent days hot compressing it, cleaning out blood filled ooze, giving antibiotics and pain relief and cleaning up sick when the medication affected their stomach. That is on top of normal day to day care such as feeding, grooming, walking etc. Oh, and the vets visit was over a hundred pounds!
A pet should be something you look forward to when you are feeling better, not something you drag along for the ride when you are unwell.