Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marriage Breakdown - husband sleeping with men

36 replies

FireHorse56 · 22/07/2026 14:25

I need advice regarding the breakdown of my marriage. I have two children aged 10 and 5. A few days before Christmas my husband didn’t come home from a night out. I eventually got to the bottom of it and long story short he told me (after he had no choice) that he had been sleeping with men. This had happened a handful of times throughout the marriage and before we got married. He insists he’s not gay and it is “an itch he needed to scratch” I felt I had no choice but to ask for a divorce, I know his behaviour was unacceptable but I cannot find closure. I’ve recently found out he is dating someone else (a woman) and regularly sleeping with her. He will not get a STI test nor will he tell her the truth behind our split. I’m now struggling with why he would want to be with someone else but was more than happy to tear his family apart? Currently he moves back in every other weekend to see the children and I have to move out. I’ve done everything possible to protect the children and ensure they see their father but I’m living in a state of constant hurt and anxiety. When I asked again why he cheated and why he has moved on he told me “nobody wants to unwrap the same present over and over again” Despite having a great support network I feel completely lost and vulnerable. I have been in a relationship with this person since I was 15 (he was 21) and wonder if I will forever have this trauma bond with him that I cannot break. I don’t know where to begin in the process and I just wanted to vent to people who don’t know me.

OP posts:
menopausalmare · 22/07/2026 14:33

Om really sorry this has happened to you.
The first thing I would do is stop moving out and letting him move back in. Seek legal advice and start making practical financial plans. You may not wish to tell the children the whole truth at this time but they need to know your relationship has ended and things will be different from now on.

Dumbledore167 · 22/07/2026 15:02

That’s tough OP.
How did you find out about the men?
Did you ever have an inkling before then?
Is he still genuinely in denial about being gay do you reckon or just not giving you the respect of honesty? I’m sure you pointed out to him people don’t get that itch that they “have to” scratch unless they’re gay/bi.
How did he suggest you moved on from it at the time?

PeachOctopus · 22/07/2026 15:07

nobody wants to unwrap the same present over and over again

How vile.

I agree with the above poster that it is too disruptive for you to have to move out every weekend, he needs to see them in his own house.

JesseDavisGonnaHangOnInThereNSoul · 22/07/2026 15:07

Unwrapping the same present
You're a person with feelings and emotions
🤮🤮

Hatty65 · 22/07/2026 15:09

Don't look for closure, you won't get it. He just wants to shag around, and clearly is either bi or gay.

I absolutely agree with pp about not moving out any longer at weekends. He needs to find his own place where he can have the children and you need to accept that your relationship is over, you did nothing wrong and the fault is on him. He clearly wants exciting sexual experiences instead of a settled family life, which is a little sad at his age.

His choice entirely though. You will be happier to just accept that he is not the person you thought he was and that he is no longer your friend. Don't make any concessions to him out of kindness - put yourself and the children first every single time.

WishfulThinkingToday · 22/07/2026 15:23

He is horrible. You are much better off without someone like that.

Time to find someone who will love ‘unwrapping that present’ over and over…

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 22/07/2026 15:42

PeachOctopus · 22/07/2026 15:07

nobody wants to unwrap the same present over and over again

How vile.

I agree with the above poster that it is too disruptive for you to have to move out every weekend, he needs to see them in his own house.

Given that he was an adult man dating a child at the start of their relationship, I think that comment is the least of his vileness

lovelycattus · 22/07/2026 15:43

Also, try to think of the ethical dilemma re the woman he’s seeing now as ‘not your problem’. He’s clearly not a decent person regardless of his sexuality.

getsomehelp · 22/07/2026 15:48

I think in this instance someone should warn the new woman

Naurrr · 22/07/2026 15:49

He's a sex offender who groomed you as a child, I'm so sorry you experienced this.
Is the divorce in progress? You don't need to ask the predator for one, you can start it yourself online.

Get therapy for the trauma this person has chosen to inflict on you.

TheThingOnTheIce · 22/07/2026 15:50

getsomehelp · 22/07/2026 15:48

I think in this instance someone should warn the new woman

I would want to know and I would immediately end it. Same if he’d been cheating with women.

Fleetbug · 22/07/2026 15:51

So he is seeing the children one weekend a fortnight in your home? How unsettling is that for your poor children. How much of the age appropriate facts has daddy told them? Is he paying any support towards them? If he is living elsewhere then that is where the children can go. He’s deciding everything at the moment.

How awful for you to go through all of this . The lying is the worst, plus no acknowledgment of the pain he has caused you and your children, breaking up your family. I hope you’ve had an STI checkup?

Please do look at chumplady.com for loads of advice and help. Especially the Universal Bullshit Translator… “unwrap the same present” FFS. Meanwhile he’s serving you a shit sandwich every time he invades your space. He can see the children in his place surely. Time to sort out custody, finances and talk to a solicitor. Everything is on his terms at the moment.

OldrNWisr · 22/07/2026 15:51

“nobody wants to unwrap the same present over and over again”

Just keep reminding yourself what a disgusting piece of shit this man is and that you’re better off without him. I’m incensed for you, what a vile specimen.

hoopieghirl · 22/07/2026 15:54

I am so sorry you deserved so much better. You need to put your big girl pants on , no more coming to your house at weekends he will need to make his own arrangements to see his kids. He sounds vile and shallow you are well rid but at the moment you are grieving the life you thought you had. I would be tempted to let his new gf know he is sleeping with men and maybe putting her sexual health at risk. She prob won’t believe you but at least you tried .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2026 15:55

lovelycattus · 22/07/2026 15:43

Also, try to think of the ethical dilemma re the woman he’s seeing now as ‘not your problem’. He’s clearly not a decent person regardless of his sexuality.

Yes it is ‘on her’ to do std checks before having unprotected sex with a new man

DomPom47 · 22/07/2026 15:55

This is about years of deception and repeated choices that took away your ability to make informed decisions about your own life and health. His comments since the separation, particularly about “unwrapping the same present”, are incredibly hurtful and say far more about him than they do about you. Please don’t let his new relationship make you question your worth or wonder whether you weren’t enough.
You’ve been with him since you were 15, so it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling to let go of the life you thought you had. Be kind to yourself and don’t feel you need to find the “perfect” explanation for why he did what he did—there may never be one that brings you peace. Focus instead on looking after yourself and your children, and consider whether the current arrangement of leaving your own home every other weekend is really helping your healing. 💐

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2026 15:55

Op he is a nonce. A 21 year old sleeping with a 15 year old should have been locked up

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2026 15:58

I would get counselling op to help you unpick all of this, as he has been so involved in you growing up into an adult it’s hard to work out what’s you and what’s him.
don’t ask him for answers or explanations as you won’t like what you hear and you need to develop trust in yourself.
the only reason he is with the new woman now is because you finally stood up for yourself and left, and she doenst know the ‘real him’ . I doubt she will hang around long when the truth comes in unless she has been groomed and trauma bonded too.

Unless he has equal rights to the home, I wouldn’t have him in your house without you there. If he does then seek legal advice.

TheThingOnTheIce · 22/07/2026 15:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/07/2026 15:55

Op he is a nonce. A 21 year old sleeping with a 15 year old should have been locked up

He’s utterly vile
I hope his knob drops off

UpDownAllAround1 · 22/07/2026 16:37

asking for a divorce not needed.
just get on with this https://www.gov.uk/divorce

FireHorse56 · 22/07/2026 20:06

He is staying in family home every other weekend because he’s moved back in with parents and house is not at all suitable for children to stay in. It is a jointly owned home which he has not paid the mortgage on since January. He contributes a very small amount far less than CMA should be each month which he believes pays towards him staying here. He pays no rent to parents now and I was under the impression with all the money he is saving he would find suitable accommodation but this is not happening. I don’t want the children missing out on seeing him but he literally has nowhere to take them. I’m completely stuck

OP posts:
hotmumshit · 22/07/2026 20:08

Its not 'outing' someone to tell your side of the story

And i would be telling all and fucking sundry including the new girlfriend

This guy is gay, a misogynist and overall a twat. You dont need to do all that youre doing. Hes a grown man who can sort something for himself re the kids

Time to cut him off completely and begin to heal. Not your fault, he's always been this way, hence the age gap.

All the best x

Coralsunset · 22/07/2026 20:09

He can take them out for the day then. Absolutely stop leaving him in the house.

This happened in December. Have you filed for divorce yet? Do that and put in a CMS claim too. 💐

FireHorse56 · 22/07/2026 20:16

Coralsunset · 22/07/2026 20:09

He can take them out for the day then. Absolutely stop leaving him in the house.

This happened in December. Have you filed for divorce yet? Do that and put in a CMS claim too. 💐

Yes I filed in January, can’t finalise though because he will agree to nothing financially. Hell. Having to see him is hell

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 22/07/2026 20:17

FireHorse56 · 22/07/2026 20:06

He is staying in family home every other weekend because he’s moved back in with parents and house is not at all suitable for children to stay in. It is a jointly owned home which he has not paid the mortgage on since January. He contributes a very small amount far less than CMA should be each month which he believes pays towards him staying here. He pays no rent to parents now and I was under the impression with all the money he is saving he would find suitable accommodation but this is not happening. I don’t want the children missing out on seeing him but he literally has nowhere to take them. I’m completely stuck

Then he can come and take them out for the day? not your problem. I know you want them to see him though.
Can they go to his parents just for the day ?
Go through CMS.
Are you buying him out or selling the house ? I’d get that moving asap.
Remember he’s vile, I’m sorry it sounds like he won’t make it easy for you.