Marriage Breakdown - husband sleeping with men

[FireHorse56]

I need advice regarding the breakdown of my marriage. I have two children aged 10 and 5. A few days before Christmas my husband didn’t come home from a night out. I eventually got to the bottom of it and long story short he told me (after he had no choice) that he had been sleeping with men. This had happened a handful of times throughout the marriage and before we got married. He insists he’s not gay and it is “an itch he needed to scratch” I felt I had no choice but to ask for a divorce, I know his behaviour was unacceptable but I cannot find closure. I’ve recently found out he is dating someone else (a woman) and regularly sleeping with her. He will not get a STI test nor will he tell her the truth behind our split. I’m now struggling with why he would want to be with someone else but was more than happy to tear his family apart? Currently he moves back in every other weekend to see the children and I have to move out. I’ve done everything possible to protect the children and ensure they see their father but I’m living in a state of constant hurt and anxiety. When I asked again why he cheated and why he has moved on he told me “nobody wants to unwrap the same present over and over again” Despite having a great support network I feel completely lost and vulnerable. I have been in a relationship with this person since I was 15 (he was 21) and wonder if I will forever have this trauma bond with him that I cannot break. I don’t know where to begin in the process and I just wanted to vent to people who don’t know me.

God, he's really being dangerous and awful. Stop helping him by moving out at weekends, he can pick up and drop off, you have given him 6 months! I don't know about Cs but do whatever you have to keeping yourself and kids best interest at forefront. Yeah, I would be pretty open about his behavior to friends and family, he's not bothered about how he's acting, why should you?

You need to concentrate on separating rather than the reason behind it
your just trapped in a limbo where very little changes you will never move on like this

Jeez what a prince! So he is a compulsive liar who has dated underage girls, has sex with men on the side, gets married but wants a variety of sex partners, doesn't contribute to the mortgage on the house he jointly owns, is not supporting his children, has jumped into a new relationship with a woman he is lying to and who's health he is putting at risk, and he is back living with mummy and daddy. Did I leave anything out?
Op hard though it all is you are so much better off without this piece of shit, he is not fit to lick your boots. Do you have any family or friends you can turn to, dont be afraid to tell them the truth about him. And as pp said, get legal advice ASAP.

No definitely not allowed to his parents. He agreed I could stay in the house with the children and he would take 25 percent of equity when youngest child is 18. He now says he never agreed to this. Thing is I put all the money down for the deposit 6 years ago. He didn’t. I said I wouldn’t ask for CM if he agreed to 25 percent with the agreement the other 25 would go to me and the other two quarters to the children (I can’t afford to save up for their future now I’m paying everything alone) he now says this isn’t the case. I earn more than him and can afford the mortgage alone. He cannot

Also - everyone’s words have really helped. It’s good to have a viewpoint from people outside the situation. I’m glad I did this today. Thank you

Op you really need a good solicitor. He's being an arsehole. Find your inner bitch and start putting your foot down with this scumbag.

Re the STI test. Him getting one doesn't matter, let him rot. You need to get one though.

As am sure you're aware you need professional legal advice..not boyo deciding you pay mortgage etc.

Wishing you all the best with such a difficult and shocking situation.
Perhaps a sexual health check for yourself considering what the maggot has been up to.

Stop the weekend stays. He can take the children out for the day, he isn’t going to be reasonable. Protect yourself. Hire a good solicitor and start getting serious. Your dc are relying on your stability.

Please note I’ve used AI to make my note I was going to type more coherent easier to follow and it took out the swearing!

You’ve got so much going on that I think you need to stop trying to solve everything at once. I’d break it down like this:

• Stop leaving your home every other weekend. His contact with the children is his responsibility to arrange, not yours.
• See a family solicitor as soon as possible. Don’t rely on anything he says verbally. Get proper legal advice about the house, finances and the children.
• Contact the Child Maintenance Service if you haven’t already. Child maintenance is for your children. Don’t agree to give it up in return for anything else.
• Join the Freedom Programme. I genuinely think it would help you understand the patterns in this relationship and why you’re finding it so hard to walk away emotionally.
• Get a full sexual health check for your own peace of mind.
• Keep everything in writing. Save texts, emails, bank statements, mortgage payments and anything relating to money or the children.
• Stop looking to him for answers or closure. The man who lied to you for years isn’t suddenly going to tell you the truth now.
• Don’t let his sexuality distract you from what actually matters. Whether he slept with men or women isn’t the issue. The issue is the lying, repeated betrayal, the risk to your health and the way he’s treated you.
• If you were 15 when the relationship became sexual, speak to the police or get legal advice. If that happened before your 16th birthday, it’s something worth discussing with them, even if it was years ago.
• Speak to Women’s Aid or Refuge, even if you don’t think of yourself as a victim of domestic abuse. They support women experiencing emotional, coercive and financial abuse too.
• Stop blaming yourself. You were a child when this relationship started. He’s all you’ve ever known, so of course leaving feels overwhelming.
• Focus on rebuilding your life, not fixing his. You can’t change what he’s done, but you can take back control of your future.

I honestly think you need support around you, not around him. From everything you’ve written, you’ve spent years trying to make sense of his behaviour. It’s time to put that energy into protecting yourself and your children.

Lots of very good advice here OP. And @greenbean80 well done with AI minus swearing!
OP please build a team around you to help you - family, friends, work colleagues, legal, medical. You have legal protection as do your children. You have rights. Get advice from a solicitor urgently! Women’s Aid. Reduce your verbal communication with this lying piece of work, and start communicating your arrangements in writing only, through eg a parenting app. Build up your evidence and document everything.
You’ve described someone who is happy to not support his own children financially, who breaks agreements with you, never mind the sexual betrayal. Your life, your plans, your trust in someone, your children’s happiness - all destroyed by him. It’s a lot for you to bear alone.
You are stronger than you realise - hang on in there!

this is perfect advice. Stop enabling him. He is vile. You owe him nothing. I cannot think of any reason why you should move out and pay for everything. God he has you wrapped round his little finger. Time to end that tnow.