AIBU to try to find my first boyfriend at 40?

[BrickingIt44]

I know this isn't AIBU, but maybe I am being unreasonable.

I recently turned 40 and, for various reasons (bad experiences, depression, social anxiety) I have never been in a relationship. Been kissed once, but that's it. For most of my life I've tolerated it but the loneliness is getting to be more than I can bear.

For the first time in a long time I'm actually making an effort to find someone. I've downloaded Hinge and am planning to go to a speed dating thing soon. But I have no idea how to be a girlfriend. I'm like a feral cat who was never socialised as a kitten!

Am I on a hiding to nothing? I've got depression, I'm awkward and weird, and while I'm not exactly hideous, I'm overweight and have wonky teeth so I'm not exactly a catch. It won't be long till I start menopause so I guess this is my last chance.
Is it even worth getting my hopes up?

I’d start slow find a dating site that aimed at older relationships rather than hook ups (I know nothing about dating sites so can’t advise) start by chatting, get use to feeling comfortable having conversations and making small talk. Anyone who turns it sexual, is overly affectionate or gives weird vibes block. Don’t think about meeting people yet get comfortable with chatting first.

Depression - I would try to do something about this - have you already tried anything and what did or didn’t work?

overweight - do you want to be a bit less overweight and/or fitter? If so, what about a walking group (make sure the walk and pace is at your level) or parkrun (you can walk this)? Men attend these things too.

awkward, weird and social anxiety - you might just need to find your people. Nothing wrong with saying you hate the pub and prefer board games (change if needed!) and just be upfront about that so you don’t find you’ve been volunteered to run a fortnights trip to Ibiza for extroverts in their 30s and 40s 😁.

I think you need to dial your expectations way down, for a start. Start with a date, rather than the idea of ‘being a girlfriend ’. And honestly, I would also get myself into better mental and physical shape first. It can be pretty bruising out there. I’m not sure why you’re in a rush to do this before menopause — you get that people date and start relationships at all life stages?

Everything you’ve said about yourself is negative. Focus on the positives so you have something to offer people . It’s not all about looks but being a good conversationalist is an advantage when meeting new people , show kindness, be a good listener , give eye contact and most of all be genuine .

Don’t look at it as a serious thing or about getting your hopes up!
Just have some fun!
Even if you were older there is no such thing as too late and it doesn’t matter that you haven’t got experience!
I really believe there is someone out there for everyone.
Do lots of reading and maybe watch some tv programmes so you kinda know what to expect. 99% of first messages maybe a waste of time but some may be ok! Also definitely follow the rule of not talking online for too long without meeting in person - it’s called limerence.
I really like the idea as treating it like a job or a business so you don’t get too emotionally involved and hurt at first.
Watch out for scams etc.

Have some fun 😁

Also, OP, you mention loneliness driving this — do you have friends ?

Men are very overrated.

I'd join a few social groups - there are all sorts on Meetup. It'll give you the chance to boost your confidence socialising with a range of people, male and female, who are all there because they want to meet new people - but without the pressure of a one to one date situation. I know several people who met partners that way.

One of my very good male friends was completely single until well into his 30s - don't think he'd ever been on a date. Then he met a wonderful woman who is now his wife. You're definitely not the only one to have not dated.

My stepdad was single until his 40s when he met my Mum. They've been married for 20 years.

I had one serious boyfriend but it ended so horribly that I was single for 10 years. Half-heartedly tried online dating in my mid 30s, which I absolutely hated but did meet DH!

There's someone for everyone.

You’ll need this, @BrickingIt44:

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2026/apr/23/burned-haystack-dating-method

Thanks all. I keep talking myself out of trying, so this really helps. I don't have any friends I can talk to about this - I have the social skills of a potato.
I know men can be rubbish and maybe I will end up alone anyway, but I suppose I'll regret it in 20 years if I didn't even try when I had the slightest chance.

Are you autistic OP? Just wondering as you say you're socially awkward and it's unusual to never have had more than a kiss at 40, no relationships and no friends.

Anyway I don't think you're unreasonable to want to find someone but I think at 40 it can feel really, really hard. By that point men often have a lot of baggage, all sorts of issues and can have some quite unrealistic expectations. It's much easier at 20 IMO. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try of course! Just be aware that it's often not as simple as you'd hope/think.

TBH if you're lonely at 40 I think you'd be much better off trying to find some friends than you would a boyfriend.

Are you attracted to men, OP, or is it just that you would like a relationship? Have you explored the idea of dating women? Just thinking, if you’ve not had a relationship before, it could be an option. Just a thought!

Dating apps can be pretty brutal tbh. I would try working on your self first and joining some groups to meet people in real life - not to look for a relationship, but to make friends.

I get what you're saying about making friends, but I've had friends in the past and they've always treated me as the disposable friend. It's been the same in diferent groups of friends at school, two unis, and work. We're so close for a few years, then they just fade away. Also it seems harder to make proper friends at 40 than it is to find a partner! Everyone's got their groups already. I probably am on the spectrum to some extent.

Anyway, what I want from a partner you can't get from a friend. I don't mean sex or even just hugs, but having an actual partner to share your life with. I've been on my own for so long and I just can't stand it anymore. The thought of another 40 years on my own fills me with horrendous dread. So many other people have that, why am I such a freak that I can't?

Love is always on time ❤️

Very much interested in men, not women. Women are attractive, but I just don't see myself having a relationship with one. Which is a shame really because women are so much more straightforward than men!

What is the rest of your life like - given that you’re mostly negative about your appearance? Wider family? Work? Study? Interests? The one thing you need to avoid is making the quest for a boyfriend the central thing in your life - because there are almost certain to be brutal disappointments along the way - and you’ll need the support of other people or passions to … lift you out of despair. Sometimes.

Good luck OP. Relationships are hard. I’m awkward and weird too, used to be called Asperger’s. But there are also many awkward and weird men out there as well, you just need to find one you have stuff in common with. I don’t have any friends anymore as I struggle with it all.

Do you have any hobbies? You could possibly find someone that way. I think speed dating is less scary than the likes of a first hinge date.

It’s harsh out there in the dating world, a lot of ghosting and a lot of rejection I hear so don’t take it too seriously.

Maybe there is a better app for you than hinge? Maybe some others people can recommend.

You're still young, good luck! x

Given your comments about past friendships, how do you see a romantic relationship being different? I’d really focus on trying to meet people for friendship, shared interests, first, practise your social skills, get out there, think about what you have to offer and what you enjoy in other people. You might meet a nice man you want to date, but you’ll meet men and woman to socialise with. Do you work? If so do you have colleagues you interact with regularly?

You’re so negative about yourself I’m worried you’ll be so grateful for male attention you’ll end up with someone who isn’t worthy of you and get hurt. Build a network first.

Good point, TheMarriageOfAirAndFrock. I can't expect it to be a fairy tale and end up with the first person I find! My life's been pretty empty for a while because of the depression. I have parents but that's it. Work's ok but no hobbies.
Guess I'm worried that if it doesn't work out I'll have to deal with that alone as well, and I won't know how because I haven't dealt with it before. Can you pay someone to be your friend? Is that a thing? Maybe it should be. Or is that just a therapist!

Men are pretty straightforward. If they like you they let you know, they don't tend to play games and appreciate it if you don't either. I can't advise on dating apps, I am of the generation that pulled on a night out in person but agree maybe look and see what's out there for older women. Don't worry about rushing to find someone before menopause. Relationships do continue after that!

What's the difference between the different apps? I thought Tinder was the one for hookups so I haven't tried that one. They're quite expensive to actually message someone so I thought I'd try Hinge for now. How do Bumble or PoF compare?

I think I see friendships as being quite temporary, AnneLovesGilbert. They're people to have fun with while you're in the same situation, but as soon as things change or you move away, they're gone. No one's ever made the effort to keep in touch. Honestly, I just want to matter to someone and I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone to share my life with and I want to share theirs. You don't get that with friends, at least not new friends. So often see posts here from people who have a partner but no friends.

Just wanted to wish you luck and to say enjoy it. Your posts come over as really genuine and as though you are humble with a self depreciating sense of humour. Honestly don’t do yourself down. Your chat seems great here and as others have said there’s someone for everyone but also just enjoy. Maybe also try some meet up groups or activities to explore friendships too - often a more fertile ground for meeting partners rather than hook ups.