AIBU to try to find my first boyfriend at 40?

[BrickingIt44]

I know this isn't AIBU, but maybe I am being unreasonable.

I recently turned 40 and, for various reasons (bad experiences, depression, social anxiety) I have never been in a relationship. Been kissed once, but that's it. For most of my life I've tolerated it but the loneliness is getting to be more than I can bear.

For the first time in a long time I'm actually making an effort to find someone. I've downloaded Hinge and am planning to go to a speed dating thing soon. But I have no idea how to be a girlfriend. I'm like a feral cat who was never socialised as a kitten!

Am I on a hiding to nothing? I've got depression, I'm awkward and weird, and while I'm not exactly hideous, I'm overweight and have wonky teeth so I'm not exactly a catch. It won't be long till I start menopause so I guess this is my last chance.
Is it even worth getting my hopes up?

Im sure lots of men also have the social skills of a potato. You wont find another potato (or maybe a pea to match your carrot) unless you put yourself out there. "You cant win the lottery without buying a ticket". Just go for it. I suggest doing dates that you enjoy - activities that you wouldnt mind doing anyway by yourself. Eg a walk. Then you havent wasted time by going on the dates.

I want someone to share my life with …

Okay. This is going to sound negative - but when your date asks what you like to do at the weekend what will you say? What photos will you show them of you having fun?

Do you really have no relatives at all in the entire world, beyond your parents?

Do you have a dog? Cat? Goldfish? Are you an enthusiastic cook? Do you have an impressive library at home? Do you make your own clothes? Travel? Write comedy sketches?

What, to be precise, is the life you want to share with someone else?

> I've got depression, I'm awkward and weird, and while I'm not exactly hideous, I'm overweight and have wonky teeth so I'm not exactly a catch.

Hi there. You're me. You'll be fine. Well done for giving it a go.

With regards friends, I think it's a numbers game. In my mid 30s I was living in a city where I knew no-one. I joined social groups like the suggestion I made in my previous post and quite quickly became part of a group of 20 or so men and women in a similar position as me. It meant most weeks I had people to do things with - cinema, drinks, even weekend hiking trips. Of course we weren't all close friends, and I had more in common with some than others but it gave me a life beyond work. Over time one became a very close friend and we're still friends over a decade later.

Similarly, through having my child I have met a lot of other mums - at toddler groups, nursery, school. Of the dozens I've made small talk with, only 3 have become friends.

So I think you just need to get out there and build a bit of a life beyond work. Don't focus on finding best friends or finding a partner but just having some fun. You never know who is out there!

And fwiw, you don't come across as a potato at all. You sound quirky and funny. So if you're a vegetable, it's definitely something much more unique than a potato!