Would these relationship and household issues bother other people too?

[Namesnamesnames13]

Curious whether these things would bother people?

2 kids. Been together nearly 6 years. Pay half the mortgage etc but I put it all of the cash for the house. We are talking 100k. All money I’ve made from previous properties I’ve been owned. My partner has not bought one piece of furniture ever, makes no effort to do stuff to the house. I’ve done everything and I just had a baby, I’ve been painting etc, sorting the garden etc. He doesn’t want to talk about anything beyond basic stuff and if I do it’s an argument.

he will say I’m doing too much and I tnink he isn’t doing enough. He also makes no effort with my mum and I make a huge effort with his family and for my side it’s just my mum.

he complains he is up in the night with the baby when I’ve done all the nighttime feeds and if he is up it’s with me, never on his own.

Am I over reacting? I know it’s hard to say when you don’t know the dynamic. But tbh we don’t get on anymore and maybe never have.

If it is something you do because that's who you are, then do it without expectation of reciprocity. I'm not saying you are wrong to expect him to be polite to your mum, I'm just saying your resentment stems from the mismatch between what you are doing and what he is, so change that equation, if you don't want to resent him.

He says you’re doing too much and you think he’s not doing enough- there’s a chance the answer is honesty somewhere in the middle (maybe tilted towards him not doing enough because honestly that’s normally the way it is), but I think sometimes women do have higher expectations- I’m just off the phone with a friend who was giving out her dh does a crap job cleaning the bathroom and she got a cleaner in, she’s now complaining the cleaner could have done better … sometimes we are honestly looking for everything to be perfect but you have two kids.

I don’t like everyone’s thoughts on you putting most of the money in for the house- if life worked this way there’s a lot of us women who’d be effed and called lazy/ gold diggers etc because we didn’t earn as much/ save as much as the man. I don’t see why it’s different here, you’re supposed to be a partnership

Fuck off pet..the door is that way >.
Should cover it.
Claim cms and don't look back.

Unless your mum has been rude to him, this is not on. If he wants to be with you, he should be involved with your family, as that's his kid's gran.

I really think being friendly is a given tbh

Yes but i came from a family with no money, one worker so hard to get that money. I’ve invested while he spends the money he has and even when he lived with his parents until nearly 30 didn’t save, I’m sorry but partnership of not, that money is mine!

I think having two young children and just having moved is a major stressor on you both, could it be that he needs an adjustment period? I know that doesn’t solve your problem right now of needing a responsible adult who can do his fair share of things, but has he given any indication that he is struggling albeit in a different way?

have you been clear about your expectations of him now and needing the support? My husband never ‘saw’ things that would need doing, perhaps different standards and he is definitely happier to put his feet up whereas I am 100mph- it used to drive me mad and and I realised that actually I hadn’t communicated all this with him and never liked to ask for help, whereas now I do direct him clearly so he knows what he has to do and after so many years it’s all just sunk in, and he’s rubbed off on me that things don’t need to always be done ‘right now’. I think being an adult doesn’t come with an instruction manual and maybe he just doesn’t realise these things have to be done?? this is where counselling might help with the communication side?

with the kids, especially young ones, again, they likely don’t know everything that you do, have read, know instinctively, it’s a steep learning curve.

I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but it is the most difficult of periods you are currently in and will show up any and all cracks. Perhaps it can get better as the kids grow and it’s not so intense if you feel like you can’t split now.

the rudeness with my mum would bug me massively though.

He always asks for direction on stuff. I’m so fed up of being the decision maker all the time. I don’t feel I should guide him. Who is guiding me! Yes it is a stressful time, but I’m having enough going on let alone having to parent a man in his 40s. I know where you’re coming from though

I mean you’ve got kids out of him which obviously you wanted. But it’s sounds like he’s outlived his usefulness at this point.