Would these relationship and household issues bother other people too?

[Namesnamesnames13]

Curious whether these things would bother people?

2 kids. Been together nearly 6 years. Pay half the mortgage etc but I put it all of the cash for the house. We are talking 100k. All money I’ve made from previous properties I’ve been owned. My partner has not bought one piece of furniture ever, makes no effort to do stuff to the house. I’ve done everything and I just had a baby, I’ve been painting etc, sorting the garden etc. He doesn’t want to talk about anything beyond basic stuff and if I do it’s an argument.

he will say I’m doing too much and I tnink he isn’t doing enough. He also makes no effort with my mum and I make a huge effort with his family and for my side it’s just my mum.

he complains he is up in the night with the baby when I’ve done all the nighttime feeds and if he is up it’s with me, never on his own.

Am I over reacting? I know it’s hard to say when you don’t know the dynamic. But tbh we don’t get on anymore and maybe never have.

It’s definitely got a lot worse after we have moved and a second child. Before we were in a flat and life seemed a bit lighter and more youthful somehow. We had cafes around us and shops and no house responsibilities. No lawn to be mowed. Which I end up doing with 2 kids on my own. I had to ask him to do the lawn the other week. And one week I asked him he said he would do it but I ended up doing it. He would say I didn’t give him a chance but he doesn’t even say oh the lawn looks a bit long. I’ll do it. I mention the stuff needing doing. It’s sorts out all his sweaty washing though from running.

Does he treat other people like that or just your mum? Is he rude to you? Does he for example call you names?

Why does he think he is autistic? Do you think he could be right?

Sounds miserable and loveless.

He is generally rude but not sure he means to be, doesn’t say hello how are you that kind of thing. Small talk is not very good.

no doesn’t call me names.

Is the house in both names? If so can you afford to buy him out?

Yes both of our names. Yes probably but the mortgage payments would be stretching me a bit alone so I think would move anyway. So frustrated he would take profit from a house I paid for mostly and money made thanks to my work. He only has been able to live in a house that is owned cos of me saving and investing when before he met him he didn’t have any money.

As a starting place, I'd try not picking up his slack.

If he's up with the baby, why are you also up? Go back to bed. Leave him to manage.

If he says he'll do the mowing, don't do it for him.

Take turns with things and stop filling the gaps he leaves.

Cos I know he won’t do it. That’s why. 😩

Also he only says he will do it cos I’ve mentioned I need to do the lawn and then he would say I’ll do it. A week later he hasn’t. And maybe I’m too anxious how the garden looks around the neighbours with their perfect lawns! But that’s just one of many examples. I was talking about the bathroom as it needed painting as wasn’t bathroom paint. “I’ll do it, will be my project”. A month later he hadn’t even attempted anything, hadn’t asked what colour etc. so I just got paint and did it myself

Yes all of the above would piss me off but I just would never find myself in this situation. I would only marry a man that contributed fairly, if I paid for the sofa I would say ‘Oi, fuckwit, I bought the sofa so you buy the dining table and chairs’. I wouldn’t continue paying for things when he does fuck all and pays for fuck all.

I find skint men and mean men a major turn-off.

You can easily suss out a man and his attitude towards money and finance with the first year.

I would have dumped him after a year. I wouldn’t have had two kids with this loser.

Cut him loose. Be free from the scrounger.

If you've lost all faith in him, then it doesn't really leave you anywhere to go but splitting up.

Why does he walk off? I can understand him not wanting to talk about the weather or other trivialities

I had the same. Left him not hes scrounging off someone else. Utter loser and user. Best thing I ever did.

Your 100k is safe @Namesnamesnames13 .
Isn't he entitled to half the profit because he's on the mortgage and has been paying towards it ?

So you don’t expect him to just chat to my mum about stuff? like it’s hot at the moment isn’t, finally having a summer etc etc. how are you…normal chat that I make such an effort with his family

He should be polite and considerate towards your mum.

He may not be chatty or good at small talk but there's no excuse for walking away/being rude. Heck, you've got 2 small kids together, he could talk about them, safe subject for dad & granny.

Yes I would expect him to stay and chat.

But you said he thought he was autistic and didn’t like small talk. So what is happening? They say hello to each other. And then what? Does your DM ask about the weather and he is bored so walks off? Or is it irrelevant what she says and he always walks off?

Sounds like you have led the relationship and decision making to this point, is that fair?

Your decision to have a second child, your decision to move etc - and now you have dragged him to this point (big house, 2 kids) perhaps because time was running out.

The family stuff is manageable (in that you just mirror him and stop making an effort with his family) but the real relationship issues are not going away are they?

Certain men once they know you'll pick up the slack, whether it's baby, tidying, cooking or whatever will just stop doing anything. They'll pretend and say they'll do something but don't do it. This is to shut you up. And it's working because you are giving up on asking him to do anything and have started doing it yourself. Consider yourself nearly trained.

He is lazy, selfish, rude, financially incompetent, so what does he do to add to your life? I only see negatives that will get worse. Kick the lazy bugger out so he can learn to adult by himself.

Your talking to his parents for hours is on you. Don't do it expecting him to do the same with your mum. Mirror his attitude. The rest is more serious but also not irredeemable - it sounds like you both have been through a lot - a house move, two children in quick succession, and most of this seems to have been driven by you. You were running out of time, you wanted a sibling, you wanted a house move so etc etc. Perhaps he really isn't on board with these decisions, and resents the big changes in his life in a short time? Maybe he feels used? It may be worthwhile getting to the bottom of these through relationship counseling rather than jumping to end it.

Don't marry him. You have different expectations of life.

He would happily let the garden go to weeds and the house to be a permanent mess. It sounds like he expects you to sort it all

I suspect you will find much bigger disagreements when you get to things like homework and child raising.

There is nothing more life draining than having a relationship with someone who gets by in life on your back and not off their own.

I didn’t force him to have another child. I coudknt do it without him after all. I didn’t force him to sign the papers.

And I have an expectation on myself to be chatty and friendly and make an effort. To mirror is attitude surly defeats the purpose

Have you sat and discussed how you really feel, have you told him you are considering leaving him because you don’t feel supported? He only treats you this way because he can and he knows there are no consequences. You are already a single parent by the sounds of it but for 3 children and by staying with him you are teaching your children this is acceptable way to treat people. I would suggest you ask him to leave and go to his mother and give you both space to see what you really want