Equivalent of Freedom Programme for teen boy?

[StrugglingTeenager]

I know people often recommend the Freedom Programme for women who've been in abusive relationships. I'm looking for a similar thing for my teen DS. He is autistic and quite vulnerable. He desperately wants a girlfriend (has never had one) and thinks that any romantic relationship is better than no relationship, even if it's abusive. I can totally see him becoming the victim in a controlling relationship, and I'd like to find any resources which could help him avoid that.

Would he even agree to do it?

I honestly can’t even imagine the look on my teen DA face if I suggested this

Not appropriate.

not for an autistic teen.
you’ll need something else.

Are you honestly worried about him or worried about he would be in a relationship @StrugglingTeenager ?

Worried about what a relationship could look like - he's very vulnerable to abuse.

@Backtobroche would be up for something like this. On a day where he's feeling particularly hyperfocussed about the issue he can easily spend 4 hours talking to me about the "I want a girlfriend and what might that be like" issue. I just want him to have tools to help himself as I think he will be very easily taken advantage of.

Yes but is this the son who is abusive to you and says highly sexual abusive comments to you? His mother?

Yes, that's right.

Hes vulnerable and dysfunctional and will fall hard for the first girl to give him the time of day, which is likely to be someone equally vulnerable and dysfunctional and desperate and I think the result will be a toxic relationship which is damaging to both.

I'm looking for anything to help him develop better skills / awareness around romantic relationships. At the moment he will submit to any indignity or abuse if it would give him "a girlfriend". I suspect any girl he ends up with would be similar and things are likely to be bad for both of them. If I got to choose, I'd advise him to stay single, but he's old enough that that's not within my influence, but I'd like him to be better equipped for functional relationships.

The freedoms programme is entirely inappropriate for someone who makes sexually abusive comments to his own mother and os generally very abusive to her.

The police would be more appropriate. But I understand that would be difficult for you.

So in that case… for the sake of girls and women in his locality (and yourself)… he needs specialist therapy. Urgently

So if he’s already being abusive to you, I’d be looking for a perpetrator programme like Respect or Make a Change. He may well be vulnerable as well as abusive but a good perpetrator programme will help him challenge his own behaviour as well as recognising abusive behaviour in others.

He’s already not equipped for functional relationships if he’s abusing his mother - that ship has sailed.

I would call Respect's Perp helpline and ask for their advice. There may be a local programme near you. Whether it would be suitable is another issue.

As others have said OP, for your sake as well as your son's (and any future partner) OP, you need to find something that requires him to address his behaviour towards you. Great suggestions up thread. Also, https://menatworkcic.org/ is a brilliant organisation who train teachers, MH professionals, youth workers etc. You could find out if they have trained anyone in your area that you could access? And no idea if they are any good but https://www.safempowerment.co.uk/ also work in this field and offer mentoring. Good luck - got to be worth a try.

Thanks for the replies and especially to those who have made concrete suggestions.

Yes, we have had / are having help from people like police, social care, CAMHS, specialist organisations etc for the issues with violence / abuse from him. That wasn't what I was asking about here.

What I was wanting is from the other angle - something to help those at risk of becoming the victim of an abusive relationship to be less likely to do so. Obviously the Freedom Programme is entirely inappropriate in this situation, which was why I asked for suggestions for a more appropriate equivalent.

He has previously been on the receiving end of a very controlling friendship (not remotely romantic) where he was routinely lied to, manipulated and gaslighted for his friend's amusement. It took a long time for him to realise she was not being kind to him, even though the rest of our family had been telling him that for a long time. When he finally realised she was being unkind to him, he found it difficult to step back from the friendship because in his view, it was better to have a friend who treats you badly than not to have that 'friendship' at all. I can see the possibility of similar patterns repeating themselves in romantic relationships in the future, so I'm trying to find any resources I can to help him stay clear of that. He has already said he would stay with a girlfriend who treated him badly because he thinks that a romantic relationship where he is mistreated would be better than bein single.

When he finally realised she was being unkind to him, he found it difficult to step back from the friendship

are you saying he hassled her?

What about autistic mentoring from other autistic adults? The Gr0ve Practice is worth a look :)

That’s a great suggestion

No, I'm not. She kept on wanting to play with him, even after he had realised she was being unkind under a veneer of friendship. We encouraged him to say no thanks and play with others instead, but he felt he had to do what she wanted even if he didn't want it.

Thanks, I'd not heard of them.

How old were they at the time?

I have a 16 y.o. AuDHD son with mental health problems who engages in abuse - smashing up house & contents, verbal abuse & threats and physical assault (only physical with me, not DH
We have several doors I can lock myself behind, most of which we've had to reinforce to prevent him kicking holes in them. We've removed most of the stuff in the area he spends time in (so he can't throw so much or pull over furniture). We keep all knives and glassware locked away.

your son is very dangerous. To women. He doesn’t do this to your husband. He singles YOU out because YOU are a woman.

No girl or woman is a threat to your son. Your is a threat to girls and women and, as the mother of a teen girl, I find it terrifying that his mother is considering the freedom programme for HIM

I am subjected to pretty horrible verbal sexual comments during meltdowns.

If he does this to his mother @StrugglingTeenager , imagine what he might do to a girl not related to him. A girl who is alone and doesn’t have your DH around?

It's hard to say exactly as they were in the same social group before they became particular friends. He was probably 9 or 10 when they became friends. He was 13 by the time he realised she wasn't treating him in a friendly way, but 14 by the time the outward veneer of the friendship finally fell apart. She is a couple of years younger.

So this all happened a few years ago and even NOW this girl is only 14!!

and this is why you are worried about your physically and sexually abusive son??

Fgs op… I am terrified that my daughter might be exposed to your son. Stop worrying about him being possibly taken advantage of based on an experience from years ago and start squarely focussing on the danger posed by your son to women.

Most standard psychological therapies are nit appropriate for someone with autism as they assume NT.

i have a child with AuDHD and her first relationship was a (metaphorical) car crash.

it was with another person with autism (no one who is NT would even mildly entertain the idea of a relationship with her as she is emotionally all over the place and very difficult to handle at the best of times).

if he thinks that any relationship is better than none then it’s very hard to change an autistic person’s thinking. On the other hand if he gets meltdowns like you describe it is very unlikely anyone will choose to be in a relationship with him.

Well, that's one reason we are getting help for him. For his own sake and for other people's.

My DH's presence exacerbates meltdowns so our safety plan involves him staying out of the way while I help my son (as long as I judge it safe to do so). I get the abuse largely because I'm the parent in charge of boundary-setting / discipline/ behaviour management plus I'm my son's safe person, which means he expresses his feelings with me in a way he doesn't with others. That probably sounds counter-intuitive but it's a common thing in autism.

As I said, we are already doing that. I am certainly not saying that he only needs he because he might be the victim of abuse. We are already getting help for the abusive-to-parent behaviours and obviously this is our biggest concern. It's just not what this thread was about. But if we can get help for the different aspects of his challenges, he has more chance of being a functional adult.

The issue with the girl is ongoing because their oaths cross occasionally, when she engages in low level bullying type behaviour towards him.