Equivalent of Freedom Programme for teen boy?

[StrugglingTeenager]

I know people often recommend the Freedom Programme for women who've been in abusive relationships. I'm looking for a similar thing for my teen DS. He is autistic and quite vulnerable. He desperately wants a girlfriend (has never had one) and thinks that any romantic relationship is better than no relationship, even if it's abusive. I can totally see him becoming the victim in a controlling relationship, and I'd like to find any resources which could help him avoid that.

You are looking at this from the angle of him being the “victim”

The example you have is about a a very young child. Friends with him from when she was around 7yrs. And even now a mere child of 14.

You get the abuse because you are physically weaker than your husband so an easier target and you are a woman hence the sexual comments

I have to leave this thread. It makes me so angry and worried for my teen daughter that there’s teen boys out there physically and sexually abusing their mothers and their mothers are asking about the Freedom Programme for their son based on a childhood relationship

I am furious so will hide the thread

Honestly OP I totally understand why you’re worried at one level. But please remember that being desperate for a boyfriend or girlfriend, and having to learn how healthy friendships work (and how to avoid bad ones) is absolutely mainstream stuff for teenagers. Nothing about him is making him sound like he needs something like The Freedom Programme which is for people who’ve been victims or DV or controlling behaviour in relationships. As far as I can tell he’s not even HAD a relationship.

And I’m honestly intrigued as to why exactly you’re so worried about him being a victim. Yes he might be vulnerable in some senses because autism makes interpersonal relationships more difficult to figure out. But in many many other ways you must see that if he finds a girlfriend it is she who will be in a frightening position if things go wrong. She might be unkind to him. He might physically or verbally assault her because that’s one of his established patterns of behaviour. He might do worse because they are likely to be in a more uncontrolled situation both emotionally and practically. I suggest you switch this in your head because you’ve got it all back to front at the moment.

Autistic teens are vulnerable to social manipulation by NT others. Not so much by other autistic teens as they largely don’t have the social skills to manipulate at that level.

very few NT teens will tolerate an autistic meltdown on the part of their boyfriend or girlfriend as it often manifests in verbal abuse (whether sexual or otherwise) and physical violence. Most schools these days are very very hot on relationships education and the message that if you feel physically threatened get out immediately and get help from the authorities is put across repeatedly and clearly.

yes, your child is vulnerable. Cuckooing and the like where the flat of a vulnerable person is essentially moved into by others and used as a base for dealing drugs etc is a real issue,

paradoxically your son’s tendency to be physically and verbally abusive is likely to protect him from that - victims are usually chosen who are quiet and compliant and autistic people who have violent meltdowns are not compliant and the meltdowns can’t easily be predicted.

so the long and short of it is yes, any relationship he is in is likely to be difficult. But very few people find it worthwhile to exploit autistic people because it’s just too risky in terms of verbal and physical abuse.

you can’t teach the autism out of him. Any relationship will be difficult because he needs to learn the hard way (like my dd does).

Yes, I think most girls wouldn't even consider him, which I'm very relieved about. But obviously I can't rely on that, and someday there may be a girl who is dysfunctional/desperate enough to be interested.

He does sometimes have meltdowns in public which would certainly put any girl off, though thankfully they don't include violence against others or sexual abuse of any sort. That only happens at home, and it happens a lot less than it used to as we get better at helping him.

Thank you, that is really helpful. The girl who he was in a controlling friendship wih was NT, and he didn't really have public meltdowns then and he was much more compliant in general, so that males total sense.

My husband is physically smaller and several stone lighter than my son. I am the same size as my son and a couple of stone heavier. We don't use physical restraint except in the most dire emergency (which never happens nowadays) but when we have had to in the past, I have been physically capable of restraining my son while my husband has not. So I really don't think that's the reason he attacks me.

He does make sexual comments to my husband too, though not as much (and our safety plan involves my husband staying out of the way during meltdowns, so there's less opportunity for DD to do that than with me).

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/advice-for-families/healthy-relationships/

Maybe I should make what I'm saying clear.

I don't want my son to be the perpetrator of abuse. We are already getting significant help for this and that's not what this thread is about.

I don't want him to be the victim of abuse either. We've not really done anything about this because of focussing on helping him not that others badly, but I'd like to be able to do both. The more help we can get him around how to have healthy relationships, the better it will be for him and the better it will be for everyone else he has contact with. He is both a danger to others and vulnerable himself, and he needs help for both in my view, even though the first is more important.

I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time. I run an in person support group and everyone would absolutely ‘get it’. Perhaps seek out a place for parents of ND kids to share resources.

In my honest opinion he needs very well written social stories which have followed the SALT formula that Carol Gray invented. Only a speech therapist who has been trained could do this properly. And it would have to be one situation at a time.

I’d be starting with his current behaviour towards you.

I’d be clearly explaining when he’s well regulated that until he learns how to manage his emotions in his current home and with you effectively, that he is too immature for a relationship with anyone else. That needs to be his and yours and your husband’s primary goal. Forget any ideas of freedom programme; he’s clearly far too dysregulated to take this on. When he’s asking questions about what it’s like to have a girlfriend just listen and redirect to the importance of being able to control OUR OWN emotions in relationships.

has he been seen by an OT?

Unfortunately I don’t think many current professionals who see these children are trained in ss now.

I think you are confusing what happened with this girl when he was much younger with an imagined future idea he has that really may not be achievable if he can’t manage his emotions.

It is very common for autistic people to
be manipulated particularly at school as some other children and teens will know their triggers and deliberately manipulate them into a meltdown (sometimes known as wind them up and see them go!)

I used to teach autistic teens and both nt and nd teens would do this - often particularly if I was teaching a topic that they didn’t want to learn or they just wanted a distraction.

it gets less and less usual as the teens mature.

on the healthy relationships front, many autistic teens have to be taken out of the RSE education in schools because it is fundamentally about how to recognise abuse and some more aware autistic teens begin to understand that when they meltdown they are abusive.

this is usually not productive as it generally means that as well as having meltdowns they then afterwards have a massive burden of shame - thinking eg physical abuse is bad, I’m a bad person, nobody will ever want to be my friend, I’ll never have a partner etc.

so it’s actually not a good idea at this point in time to expose him to this as it will lead up increased anxiety and possible self harm after meltdowns which frankly isn’t helpful.

most perpetrator programmes are intended for nt people and are not appropriate for autistic or people with other neurodisabilities as they involve quite a lot of thinking about the victim and how they feel etc which in an autistic person won’t help prevent meltdowns and is likely to lead to more shame and self hatred which isn’t helpful.

he’s almost certainly not ready for healthy relationships work.

Both Freedom and Respect exist for children.
My DD has had counselling through Freedom and my DS through Respect.
Thankfully we are now through the worst (they still fight, but more of a sibling relationship than previously, and she no longer sees us targeted).
This was not all through these programmes. DS had better ADHD medication and we started using ADHD Dude parenting techniques.

I do not believe in the "safe space" idea. Yes he targets you because he thinks he can get you to give way on discipline. It's called "extinction burst". Most of the noise (including rudeness)/aggression IME is due to either discomfort (e.g. sensory things, overwhelm) or getting excited at chaos. The latter is more of an ADHD trait.

Goodness OP,
it sounds like such a difficult experience for everyone -
and that you are highly committed and engaged to addressing his issues -
he’s very lucky to have you -
in our locality we have a NHS specialist autism works young people and adults with the issues that they experience including interpersonal functioning -
which would include navigating romantic relationships and all the social rules around that etc etc
does your area have that ??