Upset by partner calling me useless during toddler's night waking

[TotallyBurnt]

I’m really bothered by an incident that happened in the night. For background, I’ve been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 sons, 8 and 2.5.

Youngest son still sleeps in our room until we move house in 6 months. Sometimes when he wakes up in the night crying, it’s like he’s had a bad dream or he doesn’t know who we are because he fights to stop me from picking him up until he comes to a bit more.

Thus happened last night at 3.40. I’m a deep sleeper and it takes me a moment to wake up and come to. DS starts crying, loudly. I sit up and try and comfort him in his cot until he realises it’s me. My DP tells me to “cuddle him” because of the noise he’s making. So I do, bearing in mind I’ve just woken up, my brain isn’t in gear. As I struggle to pick him up because he’s fighting against me, I get him on my lap where he immediately wriggles off to sit on the floor and he’s quiet.

DP asks where is he? (It’s dark). I say he’s on the floor. DP replies “so you’ve lost control?”. I try and pick him back up and he cries again, asking for his dummy. DP takes DS to lie with him in bed, whilst I search for his dummy. I can’t find it. DP asks if he had it when I first took DS out the cot? I say it was dark and I don’t remember because I’d just woken up. DP tells me I’m useless, or words to that effect, that he’s never known anyone take so long to wake up, or not be able to walk when they wake up (my ankles seize up over night). He turns the light on, I find the dummy on our bed, and DP rocks DS back to sleep who is much calmer now that he’s come to properly.

I got back into bed and let DP finish off but I’m really quite upset by the whole episode now. I do the majority of mid-night and early mornings wakings with DS because DP struggles to go back to sleep, whereas I can sleep anywhere, anytime.

Bloody hell. Does he have good points? Or is he always a bit disdainful towards you?

What an absolute charmer.
He can take over all the night wakings from now on, I’d be sleeping somewhere else.

Google night terrors OP.
Your partner sounds really awful.
Are you investing a lot of money to move house with this man?

Unless he speaks to this way frequently, I would say it’s a case of no one being in their right mind being woken by a screaming toddler at 3am. How often does your toddler disrupt your and your partner’s sleep?

To be honest, that’s how I feel towards my deep sleeping husband when he doesn’t wake to our children waking overnight 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get nice cards three times a year that tell me how wonderful I am! 😉 I once said to him it would be nice if he could say something positive to me for doing something well, instead of criticising me the whole time. He said “when you do something well, I’ll tell you”.

I will, thank you.

No, we’re just renting.

I slept on the sofa for the first 6 months, with DS next to me, so that DP could get up for work at 7am. I’ve been up at 4.30 with DS every day for the last year or so. He’s starting to sleep more to 5.30/6 these days but the hot weather is waking him nearly every night recently mostly around 11/12 before we go to bed.

Do you say positive things to him regularly?
Could it be he was concerned about the noise waking up your 8 year old?

Yes, I get that. And he got up to our eldest the other night, who was struggling with the heat, without me knowing. But when DS2 cries I get a sharp kick if I don’t wake up straight away. My DP struggles to sleep, I don’t.

Oof that’s really rude. People say thoughtless things in the middle of the night that’s one thing. But I would expect better in the day time.

He sounds worse with every post you make OP.
Does he contribute anything to make your life easier?

The crying never wakes our 8 year old.

Do I say positive things? I’d like to think so, but I’ll keep an eye on myself more carefully. I take him coffee in bed nearly every morning. It used to be breakfast too until he suggested I was giving him old or mouldy bread (I wasn’t) so I stopped taking him breakfast. I always say “thank you that was really nice” and clear my plate when he cooks dinner. I’ve generally stopped cooking for him because it was never right or he’d eaten at lunch or he was too tired or just not hungry. I tell him when he smells nice, when his clothes look good. I tell him not to worry about his bald spot. I get told that I don’t need anymore cake, that he’s surprised when I wear something other than a black t-shirt, and I can get dressed up and no comment is made at all. But I will check that I keep saying positive things to him.

Christ. Raise your bar. Don’t live with men who treat you like shit.

What a miserable bellend. Anything positive you say clearly hasn't worked, because he still thinks his role is to be your chief critic while everything he does is justified. You and your kids don't need this precious whiner and I hope you'll come to that conclusion. In the meantime, stop taking him coffee every morning. I bet he's never said he likes or appreciates it.

What do you mean you get a sharp kick? That is bang out of order and downright unacceptable

It’s not about checking you say positive things to him, my question was more to see the dynamics of the relationship

So basically he only speaks to you to criticise you in some way and he is never grateful for anything that you do or did for him?

He sounds like a pretty toxic partner and you certainly don't need to try and find positive things to say to him when he treats you like shit.

Hostile!

He obviously doesn’t like you or respect you so he should leave and rent his own place. You don’t have to put up with this. You’re being kicked in your sleep and insulted all the time, you’re being emotionally abused.

Dump him. He is solicitous with the children but he treats you like a wonky appliance. I think it’s significant that both children are boys. He identifies with them, perhaps, and could not care less about you.

How so?

Sorry OP. It genuinely sounds as if this man doesn't like you and is with you for the children and presumably cleaning and sex.

if dp is so perfect he can do the night wakings from now on. And see how fucking good he is.

You might have to get your ducks in a row as i dont think hes very nice to you and you deserve better. I’d leave. I’d rather be alone than having to put up with his moody shit and snide comments. sod that.

You sound like you’ve been ground down. You knew it wasn’t the right time to pick your son up from the cot but you did it anyway after your partners critique. It didn’t go well and he criticised you again. You haven’t defended yourself or explained your rationale. It doesn’t sound like an equal partnership.