Upset by partner calling me useless during toddler's night waking

[TotallyBurnt]

I’m really bothered by an incident that happened in the night. For background, I’ve been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 sons, 8 and 2.5.

Youngest son still sleeps in our room until we move house in 6 months. Sometimes when he wakes up in the night crying, it’s like he’s had a bad dream or he doesn’t know who we are because he fights to stop me from picking him up until he comes to a bit more.

Thus happened last night at 3.40. I’m a deep sleeper and it takes me a moment to wake up and come to. DS starts crying, loudly. I sit up and try and comfort him in his cot until he realises it’s me. My DP tells me to “cuddle him” because of the noise he’s making. So I do, bearing in mind I’ve just woken up, my brain isn’t in gear. As I struggle to pick him up because he’s fighting against me, I get him on my lap where he immediately wriggles off to sit on the floor and he’s quiet.

DP asks where is he? (It’s dark). I say he’s on the floor. DP replies “so you’ve lost control?”. I try and pick him back up and he cries again, asking for his dummy. DP takes DS to lie with him in bed, whilst I search for his dummy. I can’t find it. DP asks if he had it when I first took DS out the cot? I say it was dark and I don’t remember because I’d just woken up. DP tells me I’m useless, or words to that effect, that he’s never known anyone take so long to wake up, or not be able to walk when they wake up (my ankles seize up over night). He turns the light on, I find the dummy on our bed, and DP rocks DS back to sleep who is much calmer now that he’s come to properly.

I got back into bed and let DP finish off but I’m really quite upset by the whole episode now. I do the majority of mid-night and early mornings wakings with DS because DP struggles to go back to sleep, whereas I can sleep anywhere, anytime.

You need to put it in context of how he treats you day to day when everyone is awake and rested. If he otherwise rests you well and you have an equal relationship then I put it down to being tired and just woken up. Different people wake up differently. You said so yourself it takes you a while for you to get going. I know when I wake up abruptly I have minimal patience and filter. If I felt you were faffing and by acting quicker could prevent the child fully waking up so we could all get back to sleep quicker then I might have a similar reaction. That said his language isnt great so have a word with him.

Hang on, you don't mean you were on the sofa for 6 months when you had a newborn? Why are you on the sofa when you're looking after the baby anyway?!

So you walk on egg shells all your life trying to please this shit of a man? OP you sound lovely and are worth more than this. It’s not normal behaviour from him. Hes abusive. If he does anything ‘wrong’ do you ever challenge him?

Perfectly logical when you have one working parent. DP is the one with a job where he has to perform. OP is at home with the baby and can sleep when they sleep. It’s exactly what I did with my 2 kids - though I was in a spare bedroom not on the sofa.

It's not logical for a woman recovering from childbirth to have to sleep on the sofa.

No it's not logical for a mother recovering from pregnancy and childbirth to be on a sofa! She should have been in bed and her husband should have been on the sofa if he needed the sleep! You being in a spare room is in no way comparible.

He kicks you? He’s abusive in every way, this will not end well. You are already walking on eggshells.

If you felt you were better...you wouldn't model that behaviour and as they say "just do it"?

The partner in this thread is nasty bully and doubles down on this in all communication as OP has explained; if you read the thread.