How do you stop yourself getting attached?

[ADACS]

I’m a single mum and, because of life and circumstances, I haven’t dated or slept with anyone for years. I’ve never really been into casual sex anyway, which is partly why it’s been so long.
Lately though, I’ve started thinking I’d like to get back out there. The problem is I don’t really have the time or headspace to date properly or look for a serious relationship.
My issue is that, before I had children, whenever I had anything casual I always ended up catching feelings. Even if it started as just sex and we were both clear it wasn’t going anywhere, I’d still get attached and secretly hope they’d change their mind and want a relationship. They never did, and I always ended up hurt.
I’m not keen on one night stands for safety reasons, but I also know that if I’m regularly sleeping with the same person I’m very likely to develop feelings.
Is there any way to stop yourself getting emotionally attached, or is that just how some people are wired? Has anyone managed to teach themselves to keep sex and emotions separate, or am I kidding myself?
I’d be really interested to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar position.

There is no answer to your query OP except not to date.

Sorry.

Have more than one FWB on the go. However, this doesn't suit everyone, so you have to work out your own risks.

The main thing about your OP is that BEFORE you had children you caught feelings. You wont now because you will mentally be considering your children, how the man will fit into their life and your life and your life with the kids, and also time to date hin romantically if you do catch feels..... put yourself out there, enjoy the ride, yeow!

More than one on the go sounds like the best option!

Keep it distant. Try phone fun. Audio only

No that wouldn’t make sense lol

It’s very difficult.. my child is 9 and I’ve decided to put dating on pause for now. I came out of a long term relationship and got all swept up in a new one. A lot of guys second time round are looking for free entertainment for their kids or someone to take on the housework I’ve found.. decided to put my energy into good nurturing friendships and of course my child x

I think preparing yourself in the way you are doing, by hearing the ‘attached voice’ speaking and being able to discredit it. Like knowing that when you start to think ‘they’re amazing, I would be happier if I saw them all the time, (insert whatever fallacy your mind tells you)’. Know that it’s likely to come and oppose it. Use your experience to say ‘no one can make me happy except myself’, remind yourself about all the shit things about relationships and how flexible you have to be, how much work it can be to make them a success, etc etc. Basically be prepared and firm in not allowing yourself to believe the kind of nonsense we sometimes tell ourselves at the start of a relationship.

Not looking to date as such just want a good regular fwb to pass the time, and not develop feelings 🫣

Feelings aren't a virus that you 'catch'.

They're perfectly reasonable responses to sharing your body with someone, but I've seen women speak about themselves in this way as if they are somehow defective, just because their sexuality isn't the same as a lot of men's.

You're not defective though - women simply produce a lot more oxytocin than men during sex and physical contact, and oxytocin bonds you to another person. Women also produce elevated amounts of it during childbirth and breastfeeding.

You have a clear history of not being able to have sex without developing deeper feelings for the man. The answer to this, I'm afraid, isn't to have sex with so many men that you eventually numb yourself.

Also, having sex with multiple men may just end up with you very confused!! Just be careful with that

Wouldnt be loads maybe just 2

The only man I've dated since having ds.18 years ago, we got on fine until he tried to push ds out, tried to make me choose. When he did that, I was so angry and indignant, I took pleasure in booting him out onto the pavement. He actually complained I seemed to be able to turn off feelings. Err, no, but I lose all respect for a man who tries to turn a mother against her 9yo. Worthless creep!

Surely, you wait for a man who wants a relationship with you OP, rather than just sex.Then you risk getting attached, but so does he. You are on an even footing and more likely to make it work long term. A relationship shouldn't be hard work.

I think the mistake I probably made in the past was being exclusive with fwb and not sleeping with anyone else so I guess that would be why it got confusing

I don’t want a relationship I don’t have time for one i have my kids full time and would only get the odd few hours here and there

Some tips:

1. Stop seeing longevity and/or marriage as the only markers of a "successful" relationship. Recognising that you no longer bring the joy to each other that you once did isn't a failure, it's personal growth.

2. Enjoy the moments you share for what they are: nice moments. Try and have lots of them while there are still things you mutually enjoy.

3. Accept your limitations; you can't offer more availability as you have prioritised your values, needs and desires in a way that is most comfortable for you.

4. Don't get caught up in ideas that suggest that you lose worth by "racking up" sexual partners. Consensual, desired sex between adults is perfectly healthy and doesn't diminish your character if it is outside a traditional escalating relationship.

If you want to be sexually exclusive with a FWB, then make sure it is for reasons that are about you and not as a sacrifice to the relationship.

For instance, it makes sense in your situation to be too busy/tired to be interacting with loads of different people. So keeping to one casual partner for easy sex makes sense so it isn't another chore.

Wanting to reduce your chances of STDs by minimising your sexual partners makes sense. That's about you keeping yourself healthy.

Doing it so he can see how much you are willing to give and how much you like him is likely to lead to resentment if it isn't reciprocated. That would be a bad reason to be sexually exclusive with a FWB.

I think I will get 2.
i would be having safe sex anyway

would you not be better with a low maintenance boyfriend rather than a Fwb OP? That way you have the security of exclusivity so it doesn’t matter if you get feelings, but pick someone who isn’t going to be too demanding on your time?

And where do you find one of those? Most men wouldnt be happy with only seeing someone 2 hours a month

Wanna bet :)

Just to add I found it difficult enough finding a man who wanted a relationship when I was young, attractive and no kids and plenty of free time 🤣 (hence having experience with fwb as most men I met didnt want anything more) so dont think im going to find one now im old less attractive got kids full time and would only have a few hours spare a month

Yes happily, I couldn’t find a man that didnt only want sex when I was young, attractive and had no kids and plenty of free time.

I can assure you plenty of older men will be happy with the odd shag and no pressure! The fact that a younger child free version of yourself wasn’t able to find a FWB has no bearing on how things are now in the modern dating world for single parents.

FWIW I met someone on a dating site and we struck up a FWB situation which was perfect, no pressure, just meeting up maybe once a month to have a bit of fun. I’m over 50, overweight and never thought FWB was for me, but he was fit, 40 and really sweet. I still managed not to get attached to him as he travelled a lot with work so wasn’t available that often. He still messages me sometimes years later to ask if I’m single, but I have a long term DP now so haven’t been back!

I think with your lack of availability it will be hard to spend enough time with someone to get too close, so have a go. See how you feel and enjoy it!

No I meant I could only find a fwb not a boyfriend, I was responding to pp who thinks I could find a boyfriend who would be happy seeing me 2 hours a month. I know I could find plenty of men wanting to have sex lol

I need to have my emotional needs met to get feelings, so sex alone will never be enough for that to happen, so I could do a casual relationship fine. I can’t be arsed with any of it though.

But I think if you’re a person who attaches through sex that’s unlikely to change.