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Original poster

Was he never really available, or was he just not that into me?

148 replies

CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 10:41

I (33F) started seeing a man (43M). Right from the beginning, he told me he was going through a divorce. I knew he was still living with his wife and that they had a son (I'd rather not say his age, but he's under 10), and they hadn't told him yet that they were separating. Still, he told me he was single.
We agreed to get to know each other and see where things would go. He said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. During the almost two months we were seeing each other, a lot happened, and it was really wonderful. We'd sit together on park benches, go for walks, have dinner together—the usual things. We'd spend hours talking, kissing, cuddling, and texting (sometimes about sex, but mostly just everyday things). We first slept together after about three weeks. It was amazing, and afterward he texted me saying that what had happened that day was really beautiful, that it had been an incredible way to relax, and that it had filled him with positive energy.
Things kept progressing. We opened up to each other, and in my opinion, it went far beyond flirting or something casual. We were genuinely happy together, and you could tell he felt the same way. One example: we'd spend two hours cuddling and kissing in bed, then he'd get up because he had to leave, only to say, "But I want one more kiss." :)
The only "issue" was that during the third time we had sex, he lost his erection. He told me he had a lot on his mind, couldn't relax, and was nervous about disappointing me. I told him he didn't have to prove anything to me, that I loved being with him, and that we'd just try to help him relax. He sincerely thanked me, and we moved on.
Then, about a week ago, everything changed. He took me out for dinner, and afterward we spent a long time kissing in the car, holding hands, and cuddling (he had no problem getting an erection just from that). Then we went back to my place. We had amazing oral sex, but when we were about to have intercourse, the same thing happened again.
This time, though, he said he didn't feel butterflies in his stomach anymore and that he didn't feel passion or excitement. Right there, in my bed, he ended things with me. It was a huge shock.
The next day we talked, and he opened up completely. He told me that he had been filling out the divorce papers that very day and had cried while doing it. He said he doesn't actually want the divorce, that he desperately wants his wife to come back so they can be a family again. He told me that almost two years ago, she said she didn't love him anymore, didn't want to be with him, and had already been seeing another man for quite some time—but he still hasn't given up hope.
He also told me that he didn't feel the same way with me as he had felt with his wife when they first got together 16 years ago, so he thought there was no point continuing. He didn't change his mind and walked away.
So my question is: was he telling the truth when he implied that he just wasn't attracted to me? Or is the real issue that he was emotionally unavailable because he still wasn't over his marriage?
Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 17/07/2026 14:24

I think you're naive OP or so desperate for love, sex, or both, that you're willing to overlook more red flags than there were in communist Russia.

I (33F) started seeing a man (43M). Right from the beginning, he told me he was going through a divorce. I knew he was still living with his wife and that they had a son (I'd rather not say his age, but he's under 10), and they hadn't told him yet that they were separating

He was living with his wife - honestly, that's all I would need to know about a man to swipe.

He has a child - unless you want to start bonding with a child you have zero access or rights to, then that would be a no for me.

The childfree partners of parents get such shit deal. That partner would be your number 1 person in life, but you'll never, ever be their top priority. Think about all the emotionally painful politics of who goes where for Christmas. If you'd have a child with him, you'd have a child with someone who has half of their time and resources taken already by children who aren't yours. Why would you do that to your future child?

and they hadn't told him yet that they were separating - that's because they hadn't separated, most likely.

Still, he told me he was single

Come on OP. What else would you believe I wonder? The fact he was willing to leap into bed with another woman when he was still living with his ex and hadn't even told his child about it yet (apparently) would send most women running in the other direction.

So my question is: was he telling the truth when he implied that he just wasn't attracted to me? Or is the real issue that he was emotionally unavailable because he still wasn't over his marriage?

Who knows OP. At best, he rushed forwards trying to do things he was emotionally not ready for (that doesn't mean you're the right woman for him, btw). At worst, all of that is one lie after another. He's had excitement with another woman, and is onto another one when his poor wife doesn't know.

Original poster
CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 14:30

EarthSight · 17/07/2026 14:24

I think you're naive OP or so desperate for love, sex, or both, that you're willing to overlook more red flags than there were in communist Russia.

I (33F) started seeing a man (43M). Right from the beginning, he told me he was going through a divorce. I knew he was still living with his wife and that they had a son (I'd rather not say his age, but he's under 10), and they hadn't told him yet that they were separating

He was living with his wife - honestly, that's all I would need to know about a man to swipe.

He has a child - unless you want to start bonding with a child you have zero access or rights to, then that would be a no for me.

The childfree partners of parents get such shit deal. That partner would be your number 1 person in life, but you'll never, ever be their top priority. Think about all the emotionally painful politics of who goes where for Christmas. If you'd have a child with him, you'd have a child with someone who has half of their time and resources taken already by children who aren't yours. Why would you do that to your future child?

and they hadn't told him yet that they were separating - that's because they hadn't separated, most likely.

Still, he told me he was single

Come on OP. What else would you believe I wonder? The fact he was willing to leap into bed with another woman when he was still living with his ex and hadn't even told his child about it yet (apparently) would send most women running in the other direction.

So my question is: was he telling the truth when he implied that he just wasn't attracted to me? Or is the real issue that he was emotionally unavailable because he still wasn't over his marriage?

Who knows OP. At best, he rushed forwards trying to do things he was emotionally not ready for (that doesn't mean you're the right woman for him, btw). At worst, all of that is one lie after another. He's had excitement with another woman, and is onto another one when his poor wife doesn't know.

Edited

Naive...I'll give you that, but I hope I'm not desperate😀. Thanks for the concern about my future children, but that's not an issue for me.

OP posts:
KitsyWitsy · 17/07/2026 14:41

He's a ratbag. Whenever a man has had ED with me the've fallen over themselves to make the point it has NOTHING to do with me. It happens a lot when you date men in their 50s!

Original poster
CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 14:46

KitsyWitsy · 17/07/2026 14:41

He's a ratbag. Whenever a man has had ED with me the've fallen over themselves to make the point it has NOTHING to do with me. It happens a lot when you date men in their 50s!

That's what he did the first time it happened. That's actually my point - so the first time was absolutely not about me, he also told me he was nervous and wanted to live up to my 'expectations' etc...I mentioned it in my first message after all. And the second time - you know. This makes absolutely no sense to me.

OP posts:
JMSA · 17/07/2026 14:59

The situation was messy. I wouldn’t touch a guy still living with his wife with someone else’s bargepole.
It was obviously never going to work with you and him, as he was still into her. I’m sure physical attraction had nothing to with it. It was his circumstances and you can’t take that personally.
Sorry OP and better luck next time. Next time though, hold something of yourself back a bit. Jumping in so soon and giving it your all is only going to lead to heartbreak.

SunflowerTed · 17/07/2026 15:09

CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 14:46

That's what he did the first time it happened. That's actually my point - so the first time was absolutely not about me, he also told me he was nervous and wanted to live up to my 'expectations' etc...I mentioned it in my first message after all. And the second time - you know. This makes absolutely no sense to me.

Show quote history

In the kindest way you don’t see the red flags, the fact he is still in love with his wife and grieving family life… From an outsider looking in it all makes sense. He was looking for escapism and comfort from you and then realised he can’t force feelings when his emotions are elsewhere. X

MissHollyGolightly · 17/07/2026 15:09

It's not your fault at all, he just wasn't ready for anything new even though he clearly enjoyed the interlude. His real misstep was to boil it down to "butterflies" and compare his feelings to how he felt with his wife, making you feel like you were lacking somehow. Reminds me of this soulful romantic loser I dated briefly who was trying to chase some heroin fueled feelings he'd had for a gorgeous Swedish ex (yeah he gave me the whole lowdown). Like it was some magical thing he'd never find again. Only guy I ever encountered with ED too.

dairydebris · 17/07/2026 15:27

"It was amazing, and afterward he texted me saying that what had happened that day was really beautiful, that it had been an incredible way to relax, and that it had filled him with positive energy."

I would have ended it right there.

This was all about him, not about you. He was always using you.

Filled him with positive energy? An incredible way to relax?

Listen to what hes saying. All these things you do for him, nothing about his feelings for you or how incredible you yourself are.

🤮

aquashiv · 17/07/2026 15:31

He wasn't over his ex. Was she even really an ex?

Move on—there are many nice men available. Swipe left if they aren't divorced.

EBearhug · 17/07/2026 16:59

Once they get into their 40s and 50s, quite a few men get ED, and unsurprisingly, none of them mention it on their dating profiles.

There's also an Internet of men who say they are single/separated/divorced/divorcing, and sometimes this is true, but many other times, it would be news to their wives/girlfriends.

2 months is not long at all to get to know someone. It can happen that people mutually fall in love that quickly, but it doesn't happen often, and it happens even less often that it lasts long term.

He may well have thought he was ready to move on, but people make mistakes and lie to themselves. Others just lie because they want a fuck.

Learn from it and take it slower next time.

Fiendishandfiery · 17/07/2026 17:16

Also op try to put yourself in the other persons shoes. If I was dating a man for 8 weeks ans he declared he was in love, and that he felt he wasn’t good enough when I ended it, I’d run and not look back

it’s one thing to be needy, but often it’s best to keep these thoughts in your head and not share, you were not in love with this man, you were in love with the idea of him, you barely knew him and couldn’t read him at all

people are saying his messages were about him, which is correct,but in your head you were in love and imagining a future, with a man you barely knew. So you were both doing it, focusing on your own needs and not remotely focused on the other person,

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/07/2026 17:17

You’ve acknowledged you’re naive; and if you’re going to date then you need to get sharper. You’ve no idea whether any of his sob story about being separated for two years and being left for another man and his wife deciding she wasn’t a family person anymore is true. Of course he’s going to tell you a version which makes him look good and you feel sorry for him. Even if it was true, it’s a red flag: decent, emotionally stable men who have drawn a line under their last relationship and moved on don’t want to talk in depth about their past relationships with new partners and don’t give chapter and verse about their ex and all her faults to women they’ve been dating a couple of weeks. I appreciate that “desperate” has connotations you don’t like, but it does sound as though you’re so over-eager for love and a relationship that you’re willing to overlook far too many warning signs and take men at face value to try to get that.

Original poster
CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 17:28

Fiendishandfiery · 17/07/2026 17:16

Also op try to put yourself in the other persons shoes. If I was dating a man for 8 weeks ans he declared he was in love, and that he felt he wasn’t good enough when I ended it, I’d run and not look back

it’s one thing to be needy, but often it’s best to keep these thoughts in your head and not share, you were not in love with this man, you were in love with the idea of him, you barely knew him and couldn’t read him at all

people are saying his messages were about him, which is correct,but in your head you were in love and imagining a future, with a man you barely knew. So you were both doing it, focusing on your own needs and not remotely focused on the other person,

I told him none of the above. I specifically told him that I'm not grieving love, but hope and closeness. I also told him that the breakup didn't break my heart, but the comments about butterflies did. And that's it.

OP posts:
Fiendishandfiery · 17/07/2026 17:28

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/07/2026 17:17

You’ve acknowledged you’re naive; and if you’re going to date then you need to get sharper. You’ve no idea whether any of his sob story about being separated for two years and being left for another man and his wife deciding she wasn’t a family person anymore is true. Of course he’s going to tell you a version which makes him look good and you feel sorry for him. Even if it was true, it’s a red flag: decent, emotionally stable men who have drawn a line under their last relationship and moved on don’t want to talk in depth about their past relationships with new partners and don’t give chapter and verse about their ex and all her faults to women they’ve been dating a couple of weeks. I appreciate that “desperate” has connotations you don’t like, but it does sound as though you’re so over-eager for love and a relationship that you’re willing to overlook far too many warning signs and take men at face value to try to get that.

Edited

Yeah I’m not sure about that, I think it’s fine to share.

Viviennemary · 17/07/2026 17:31

He probably doesn't even know himself. It was wrong of him to lead you on. Sounds like he hopes he can get back with his wife. But from the sound of it that doesn't seem very likely.

Original poster
CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 17:34

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/07/2026 17:17

You’ve acknowledged you’re naive; and if you’re going to date then you need to get sharper. You’ve no idea whether any of his sob story about being separated for two years and being left for another man and his wife deciding she wasn’t a family person anymore is true. Of course he’s going to tell you a version which makes him look good and you feel sorry for him. Even if it was true, it’s a red flag: decent, emotionally stable men who have drawn a line under their last relationship and moved on don’t want to talk in depth about their past relationships with new partners and don’t give chapter and verse about their ex and all her faults to women they’ve been dating a couple of weeks. I appreciate that “desperate” has connotations you don’t like, but it does sound as though you’re so over-eager for love and a relationship that you’re willing to overlook far too many warning signs and take men at face value to try to get that.

Edited

I'm not desperate at all, I met him in a pub where I was drinking my ex off my mind. It was a coincidence, I have no dating apps, I'm not hunting. My naivety is all about believing in people and what they say. He said he was available and I liked him. So we gave it a try and it failed. It's not about the failure, it's about the way he ended things.

OP posts:
inkgirl · 17/07/2026 17:38

By the sounds of things he used you to try and get over his wife which back fired as he realised just how much he still loves his wife. I'm sorry to hear that he's done this to you

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/07/2026 17:42

Fiendishandfiery · 17/07/2026 17:28

Yeah I’m not sure about that, I think it’s fine to share.

Show quote history

I can’t think of anything worse. When you’ve just begun dating somebody “we broke up two years ago, just grew apart and realised we were only together because of our child” is fine. The ones who feel the need to paint the scene and emphasise their ex’s faults rarely have a good motive for it. If I’d just started dating somebody and he was telling me that his wife has a new boyfriend and goes to see him all the time and she’d decided she wasn’t a family person and didn’t love him anymore, I’d think “why do you think I want to hear about your ex and her new boyfriend; and more importantly, why do you care so much about your ex and what she’s getting up to that you’re thinking about her and want to talk about her on a date with somebody new?”

Original poster
CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 17:44

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/07/2026 17:42

I can’t think of anything worse. When you’ve just begun dating somebody “we broke up two years ago, just grew apart and realised we were only together because of our child” is fine. The ones who feel the need to paint the scene and emphasise their ex’s faults rarely have a good motive for it. If I’d just started dating somebody and he was telling me that his wife has a new boyfriend and goes to see him all the time and she’d decided she wasn’t a family person and didn’t love him anymore, I’d think “why do you think I want to hear about your ex and her new boyfriend; and more importantly, why do you care so much about your ex and what she’s getting up to that you’re thinking about her and want to talk about her on a date with somebody new?”

Show quote history

He told me these things after the breakup. Not on a date. But when we were sitting in my living room and talking about everything.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 17/07/2026 17:48

Next.

malloryknox123 · 17/07/2026 17:52

He was still in love with his wife and you were a brief distraction. It doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful and loveable, just that this one wasn’t free to love you.

BuckChuckets · 17/07/2026 18:02

CheeryGreenBear · 17/07/2026 13:00

It's not about finances, it's about the son. He's nine (somebody wanted to know that, I don't know if it's relevant) and he's unaware of the situation. It seems almost impossible as his wife frequently visits her new partner and sometimes the son goes there with her, but I really don't know what a 9-year-old can understand. They never spend time together as a family anymore. But he wants their son to grow up in a house that he had built for his family. It's complicated.

Edited
Show quote history

What a load of rubbish. Why did you believe him?

Xanhi · 17/07/2026 18:28

He was going through a divorce and said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. It sounds like he was hoping you might ease the pain of his break up a bit, but then realised it wasn't working.

TheCheekyDenimExpert · 17/07/2026 18:41

So you were both attempting a to kick start a relationship off the back of other relationships that were still currently taking up emotional bandwidth.
🤐🤐🤐

wrongthinker · 17/07/2026 18:51

I'm sorry, OP, but he has fed you a pack of lies from the beginning. He used you and manipulated you, and when he got bored because his dick wasn't working he blamed you and tried to hurt you to make himself feel better.

Look, he'll almost certainly come back again for sex at some point, or even just to get a kick out of you looking at him adoringly like he's the best person ever. But he will only ever be using you to make himself feel good. You are what is known as 'supply'. He's an emotional vampire, you were his prey. That's all this ever was.

Please don't fall for his lies again. Delete and block him on everything so you're not tempted. And maybe think about doing the freedom program (online) or maybe looking at some dating/relationship coaching videos on youtube. I like Matthew Hussey, but there are lots of people on there talking about how to spot red flags, and more importantly for you, how to set boundaries, how to not abandon yourself in relationships etc.