Can relationships ever survive an emotional affair?

[CBC123]

I had an email from the husband of the woman saying there had been inappropriate messages. Supposedly it was ‘innocent flirting’ but messages have been deleted. It was for 1 or 2 days, jokey flirting. Supposedly. Trust has gone. I feel sick. Can it survive? Has it survived? My heart is saying wait my head is saying run. We have two kids.

Because you do anything rash, get your facts. Could the other husband just be causing trouble?

Can you get your husbands phone? Has he been acting suspicious, such as hogging his phone?

Yes, but you probably need outside help, both of you need to work on it and you both need to then work on improving your skills in relating to each other. Derek Hart has an infidelity course for couples to work through in this kind of situation. You'll find it if you Google.

Sorry but he is a married man so there is no such thing as innocent flirting’ .

Flirting with other women should have stopped when he took his wedding vows - or actually when he entered into a committed relationship with you.

So he is not being truthful with you. He is not being honest about what happened. He is minimising what he and this woman have done.

You know at the very least he is sexually attracted to her.

Unless he is honest with you. Unless he cuts all contact with her. Unless he accepts what he has done and is prepared to work to regain your trust then I don't see you can ever get past this betrayal

How Does he know this woman? What did your husband say?

How far would it have gone had they not been caught?

What did this woman hope to achieve by telling you

He's done it now. If you stay together you're giving him a pass to do it again

It would be the end for me. He doesn't respect you. Certainly he isn't in love with you

I would need to see the messages to make any decision. Does her husband have a copy? They are obviously bad enough that he felt betrayed.

But who knows he could be an extremely jealous partner and they are mildly inappropriate. But if that is the case your DH would be getting them back to show you.

Thank you everyone. I’ve been told by all three it was a few messages across a couple of days a few months ago - not sexual but jokey flirting (I won’t share just in case outed). But it’s the fact the husband saw them and they got caught which is why it stopped, and it was hidden from me. Would it have continued? Of course he says no, but we will never know. He is devastated and crying and ashamed and promising eveything blah blah blah. He was coming out of a depressive episode and admitted he did welcome a bit of attention. But I will never ever be able to trust him again. And how can a marriage work on no trust. We have such a lovely life, the children will be devastated, I feel so conflicted. He’s saying marriage counselling and he will do anything. My heart’s saying think about it my head is saying run.

Yes it can survive but only if he puts in ALL the work. He arranges and pays for counselling. He reads the book “not just friends” by Shirley Glass, He follows Nathan Ross (cheaters guide to understanding) on Facebook. He gives you access to phone/emails/watsapp etc. He does all yhe hard work around trust etc. He has to understand WHY he “cheated” if he doesn’t understand why he will cheat again. This is on him DONOT sweep this under the carpet. Btw to recover fully it will take you years so don’t rush or say your ok when you are not. He has to see the devastation he choose to inflict on his family. Please stay here and get the support you need. Apart from crying like a baby because he’s been caught what else is he doing to fix what he has broken?

Define “survive” I guess.

Yes, you could swallow down your feelings and kick it all under the carpet. Would that feel like you had survived it?

You could survive it as in stay together, but obviously it will never be the same and you will never be able to trust him. You'll just be living with that hanging over you for as long as you're together

Whether you want to end the relationship or not I would at the very, very least ask him to move out to give you some space. Up until now he has evidently believed that he is some incredible specimen with TWO women interested in him. Don't allow him to treat you like an option. Make it clear that you may decide YOU are no longer invested in a relationship with HIM. Give him a route back to rebuilding trust (@Freeme31's post above is good guidance for this) but don't do the pick me dance. He needs to earn you back,.you don't need to earn him back.

How did he meet her and get her number OP? I’m not sure it’s worth throwing away a marriage for afew texts over a couple of days, but I would be concerns about the context more than anything.

I think you should definitely try marriage counselling and individual counselling.
For me it would depend on if he has any continued contact with this woman (eg do they work together), if it is out of character & if it’s symptomatic of wider problems in your marriage.

Thanks so much everyone I am so grateful for all the advice - I still don’t know how to reply to people individually on here. I just feel so violated. He had his issues and I’ve supported and celebrated and encouraged him to always be the best man he could be…… I have always been loyal. I’ve sacrificed everything. I feel like such a cliche!!!! This is the one thing I just don’t think I can ever ever forgive…. It will always be what if….. I will never feel enough.

He has said it was for validation, ego boost, they got on well and he liked the attention. They don’t work together anymore, haven’t seen eachother since January, and it was just some sporadic drunken messages for one evening and then got caught and everything dropped. She then reached out a few months later with a work question - but it was just a few messages. He’s blocked and deleted and said he will arrange marriage counselling. He’s begged and he’s cried and apologised but it’s all just words right now….. I’ve always been such a private person. I’ve always judged people who stay with cheats. But do we break up our family… it would break our kids….

How did you find out, OP? Did he confess to you?

I’m not sure I would be breaking up a marriage over a few texts over such a short timeframe. What’s really going on here? I’m not excusing flirty texts but maybe more context would be helpful to understand the severity of your reaction?

Sorry aware I’ve been quite vague in the worry of being outed… he’s put me through a lot with his drinking and depression. We’ve been together a long time. He’s always provided, never been abusive, but has been selfish and caused a lot of worry and upset. Earlier this year was probably the darkest time… but the one thing I never ever thought he would do was have his head turned. He’s a very good dad and the most part been a very good husband - dates and compliments and shared interests, building a great home, fun, providing, financial security, sex life up and down but most recently good again. But what’s all that without trust?

my main issue is he found another woman attractive and wanted validation from her. In a period of time where we seemed in a good place. There were no signs. They worked together a while back and were ‘friends’ and he has sworn that no feelings were had or anything physical happened. Hadn’t seen eachother for months and got back in touch over a job thing needing advice. Attention was had and a line was crossed and then inappropriate messages that were sent on one evening. Her husband saw them that night and everything stopped. But he didn’t confess to me, he was too weak and embarrassed. So what would have happened if they weren’t caught? I can’t get that out of my mind. Why would he risk everything for this? He clearly doesn’t love me like he says he does. I feel so sick. But the thought of splitting our family… but I know if I stay I’ve been disrespected and I will never feel enough.

If it were me I would want a phone call with her husband to see what he knew and the extent of it. If it was just afew messages I would probably stay in the marriage but if it were a longer term dalliance that would be different.

Just my opinion but I think there are two things here. You said your main issue is that he found another woman attractive and wanted validation from her. You can't stop him finding other women sexually attractive. That will always happen, and if it hasn't happened to you with other men it will di. Cometwly unexpectedly and unwanted. That's the bit he can't do much about. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean he has stopped finding you attractive. That's just how humans work. What he does have control over is what he does with those feelings. What he should do is acknowledge them as a crush and be extra aware that while it continues he needs to maintain his boundaries more carefully than usual. What he shouldn't do is make the situation dangerous by flirting if he has feelings. That's the bit the marriage counselling needs to focus on. It's the wanting validation and why he needs that, and the fact he needs to put you first above his ego which is the issue.

Thank you, that’s so helpful. I’m truly grateful for all of your advice. I just feel so broken. I obviously have my own issues - since having children I have much lower confidence. I can understand finding other people attractive - but the sexual bit? That just makes me feel sick. I can understand it’s nice to have someone find you attractive. But to fantasise or seek validation when you a loyal committed person at home?

@CBC123I think what you need to look at is the foundations of your relationship. Is he a good person? Is he kind, loving, supportive or is he a bit of a shit anyway?

If the foundation is rocky and there are much wider issues then don’t give all your energy to saving something that is broken.
Also, don’t stay for your kids. It’s not right for your children to live in an environment that’s unhealthy and unhappy. That’s more harmful than two separated parents.

FWIW here’s my experience.
My relationship survived and thrived.

I had what was mostly an emotional affair although there were some physical boundaries crossed.

I was confused, bored, seeking attention and excitement and fell for a colleague. I was having a bit of a crisis I think.

It went on for over a year and I didn’t feel guilty at all at the time. I had convinced myself it was ok because I wasn’t getting what I needed in my relationship.
of course that was bullshit but it’s what I needed to believe.

i genuinely loved my partner throughout but i was unhappy and looking for external reasons and solutions.

The guy pulled back and I was broken and fell apart a bit.

I eventually told my partner who was of course devastated but I think suspected. We worked through it, talked a lot, no excuses made and no blame.

I am thankful every single day that he was able to forgive me and rebuild. The relationship we have now I feel was possible because of that huge rupture as it scared the shit out of us both.

I’m not recommending this as an approach but sharing my experience.

You have given him a lot.
And what did he do? Betrayed you.
He is a louse of the high order and would not have stopped if he hadn't been caught.
I have one of them. Have very little feelings in our marriage now and wish I had finished it when I found out. Staying for financial reasons as am older and pensions would not support me. Do not follow my footsteps, make your own.

@headturned thank you for sharing your experience - did you keep it quiet from friends and family? Or was it out in the open?