Can relationships ever survive an emotional affair?

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I had an email from the husband of the woman saying there had been inappropriate messages. Supposedly it was ‘innocent flirting’ but messages have been deleted. It was for 1 or 2 days, jokey flirting. Supposedly. Trust has gone. I feel sick. Can it survive? Has it survived? My heart is saying wait my head is saying run. We have two kids.

@Dobeebeedah I’m so sorry you have also been through this. I am fully financially reliant on him but he passes everything he earns to me… I can’t imagine that happening again. Just trying to weigh up the pros and cons- I feel like I’m in a lose lose situation and am so angry I have put in it. It seems to be three or four inappropriate drunken messages on one evening. He has confidence issues and needs a lot of compliments and praise not in relation to women to life in general. He’s never done anything like this before. I’m desperate to know what I should do as no option feels right

This is also going to sound so pathetic but I am so private. I hate the idea of anyone knowing. As whatever I decide to do will be judged. And what’s most important to the children is my priority. Maybe I need tk just not rush anything. I need to see what changes. Have counselling. And quietly make a decision to see if this is how I can live if he really is willing to do everything or if I just will never ever be able to get over this. I’m just so sad.

A few trusted friends knew. My partner didn’t want to discuss it with others as he pretty self reliant and not a sharer except with me.

Sadly - I do think you would be judged. Especially if you decided to stay. Choose wisely of who you tell it’s my advise to you. One thing that helped me was taking the pressure of making a decision. Will I stay or will I leave? Take it off the table. You don’t know. You don’t have to decide right now.

@Yogafiend that’s really good advice, thank you and you’re right I would be judged… I judged friends that stayed. I’m now in the same situation and how horrible of me to judge anyone’s situation. I do not want anyone knowing but I also hate keeping secrets. I will take one day at a time. Thank you

Don't put pressure on yourself to make a decision. You will feel angry, hurt, shocked.You have been betrayed by your closest person. I felt all of that. You need to process what has happened. None of this is on you, it's on him, his need for validation and lack of boundaries. I would arrange counselling for yourself, he should arrange counselling for himself. I would urge you not to have marriage counselling until he has had counselling and can understand his behaviour and crucially you have processed your betrayal fully. The onus is on him to prove to you he has done the work.
He also needs to sit down with you and share his phone login, his message history, what accounts and apps he has on his phone, internet history now and going forward whenever you want. Full transparency about what happened.

I'm so sorry you are in this mess of his making. It's NOT you. It's him. She isn't better than you, he doesn't find her more attractive, she was just available and made him feel good.

The Shirley Glass book suggestion by another poster is spot on.

A good website is Surviving infidelity, useful advice and the forums - lots of other people who are going through what you are, or have gone through

@Oxymoronsyour post made me cry. Thank you for being so helpful, kind and supportive. I really am grateful. I will look into these thank you

Aw sorry to make you cry, but glad to help x

Lots of people knew about H, there were a couple of minor hints but I ignored them. It is not your shame, it is his and you need to make this clear to him and all who know. If it is public knowledge treat it as such, but if it is a private matter keep it that way. All the best to you.

I would be wary of marriage counselling right now, particularly if he decides to book somewhere useless like Relate, who will tell you that he wasn't having his needs met in the marriage and expect you to share the blame.

What he actually needs is individual counselling so he can work through his selfishness and entitlement and figure out how he's going to stop doing this in the future if he happens to feel bored or depressed or at a bit of a loose end or he's fallen out with you.

My DH did a very similar thing to you, although only 2 months long and a few years ago now.

Oddly we were talking about it this afternoon and how whilst I wish it hadn't happenned how happy we now are. We were complacent to really didn't appreciate what we had.

I'm stealing "survived and thrived" as that describes us perfectly.

Op. You don't need to make any decisions now. Take time and look after yourself. It is possible to survive but it is not a quick fix, and you both must really want it. Good luck!

Thanks all. Yes it was one night and two or three messages…. I know it isn’t as ‘serious’ but I think whether it’s one day or two years they suddenly know how to lie? I haven’t eaten, I can’t sleep. But maybe it’s me - maybe I’m too insecure? How do you get past it? Can you? I look at him and feel sick

Not to make things worse, but if this were me I would have to consider that it very likely isn’t his first offence. I could not help but think: what are the chances that this is both the first and only time and the only time you find out.

@Didimumno you’re not and I completely agree. Everything has gone through my mind. He’s arranging counselling for himself and for us. I’ve said to him that if there is ANYTHING else that you have hidden, anything you tried to hide or that I didn’t know etc and he had sworn on our kids lives it was the first and only time. He’s said he had just come out of his biggest depressive episode (which I supported him through) and she had shown that on a work night out months before she was interested, and for his own ego he thought he would push it to see if she did fancy him - which she did. She’s also married with kids 🤢 and there were two or three inappropriate messages and then nothing. And then her husband found out. All three have said that’s what happened. But how can I ever trust him again? How?

I can’t answer that. No one can. But, as others have said, you don’t need to decide that yet. Yes, sitting in the pain I’m sure can feel intolerable, but if you’re not ready to decide, then you’re not ready. One thing should be true though: from here on out, you should be prioritising yourself and your children – as should he. This time forward is about healing YOU.

Do also go and seek advice and support from the Surviving Infidelity forums. They have a wealth of experience.

As previous post said don’t decide anything yet and let hom know you are still making up your mind about how the future looks he has to know the full consequences his actions. Speak to him about it as much as you need until you feel ready to stop. That said i really hope he has learned a valuable lesson here and will never take your relationship for granted again. I do think this is fixable with lots of hard work from him. You don’t need to forgive him you just need to know if you can live with what he has done, if he has been a good husband up until now and puts in the effort to fix this is is salvageable. You will be forever changed and the way you feel about him will change but it doesn’t necessarily need to end the marriage because he was stupid enough to put his ego/neediness before his family. You have a lot to think about but don’t make any hasty decisions you might regret and don’t let him rush you into a decision or try to make you sweep it under the carpet. Take as much time as you need because you can now decide to leave at anytime. Btw i don’t think he fancied this woman in any way i agree with him its all been about his ego/selfishness/stupidity

I typed into AI site your issue around trust it replied : Hope this helps:
” Finding out your husband sent inappropriate messages to another woman can shake your sense of safety, even if he says he’s remorseful.
Trust usually isn’t restored because someone says “I’m sorry.” It’s rebuilt through consistent actions over time.
Some questions to consider are:

• Has he taken full responsibility? Does he acknowledge what he did without minimizing it or blaming you or the other woman?
• Has he been honest about what happened? It’s difficult to rebuild trust if you’re worried there may be more you’re not being told.
• Is he willing to make changes? That might include ending all contact with the other woman, being more transparent about his phone or social media (if you both agree), and having open conversations about what led to this.
• Is he patient with your feelings? Genuine remorse usually includes understanding that your hurt and questions won’t disappear overnight.

It’s also okay to recognize that:

• You don’t have to decide right away whether you fully trust him again.
• Forgiveness and trust are different. You may choose to forgive eventually, but trust has to be earned.
• Your feelings—whether they’re anger, sadness, confusion, or numbness—are all valid.

If both of you want to repair the relationship, many couples find that working with a relationship counselor provides a safe space to rebuild trust and improve communication. Can I ask:

• Was this an emotional affair through messages only, or did it become physical?
• How did you find out, and has he been completely open since then?

Your answers can help determine what rebuilding trust might realistically look like in your situation.” i said yes messages only (on your behalf) “That does make a difference. If it was messages only, he’s ended it, and he’s now being very open with you, those are positive signs. They don’t erase what happened, but they suggest he’s taking steps toward rebuilding trust. At the same time, it’s completely normal if you still don’t trust him. Trust is something you feel over time, not something you can decide to have. A healthy rebuilding process often looks like this:

• He continues to be honest and transparent without becoming defensive.
• He accepts that you’ll have difficult days and questions.
• You see consistent behavior over weeks and months, not just a few days of remorse.
• You both talk openly about what was missing in the relationship and how to strengthen it going forward.

It’s also important to pay attention to your own feelings. Ask yourself:

• Does his remorse feel genuine?
• Do his actions match his words?
• When you’re with him now, do you feel he’s trying to earn back your trust?

You don’t have to rush yourself. Many people find that after a betrayal, trust returns gradually—often in small moments where the other person consistently does what they say they’ll do. One thing I’d encourage is telling him exactly what you need. For example: “I want our marriage to work, but my trust has been damaged. I need patience, honesty, and reassurance while I heal. I can’t promise when I’ll trust you again, but I need to see consistent actions over time.” That sets realistic expectations for both of you.

Hope this helps

@Freeme31i am so grateful. Thank you so much for the advice and time you spent finding that. He just seems terrified, crying, begging, doing everything but he’s also drip feeding and things that he think aren’t ‘important’ and he doesn’t get to choose. I still can’t tell if the tears are because he got caught or for the devastation cause or a bit of both. I feel so bitter and angry and humiliated and heartbroken.

He was planning to have sex with her. He may have already had sex with other women, if not he's definitely tried it.

Nobody - and I mean nobody - gets caught the first time.

And those feelings will not go away, unfortunately. You could try counselling, if you think he's worth it. I wouldn't bother tbh, but maybe you want to consider tolerating him in your life.

The traits that allow someone to be a cheat, low self esteem, inability to self soothe, selfishness, the need for validation (smoke up the arse), people pleasing tendencies, the need to be a good guy, the ability to lie and compartmentalise etc are sadly not the traits needed to be good at recovering from an affair (emotional or physical).

To recover he will have to realise what traits he has that allowed him to have a ‘but’ in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if my wife is not watching. I am faithful but it doesn’t count unless it’s sex. I am faithful but not if I’m going through a hard time.

He didn’t confess he was caught. Did he know the husband knew? Have they discussed (the woman and him).

You cannot make another human cheat, you also cannot make them be faithful. Two people in the same situation - one may cheat the other may not. You did not cause this and your personality may mean you cannot ‘fix’ this. Your need for loyalty, honesty and fidelity has not been met- you could in theory use this to justify cheating. But how would that help you or your marriage. Shagging your loyal and honest postman (never steals your post and is always on time) won’t help your marriage in any way at all.

Cheaters cheat as they have personality traits that say cheating is okay in certain circumstances. We all have the ability to cheat, I could sign up on tinder this minute and no doubt have some validation by lunchtime. So I think it’s easier to say why don’t I cheat on my husband. It has nothing to do with him at all - I don’t cheat for me. I made vows willingly in front of friends and family. I said I’d be faithful and honest and I want to like the woman I see in the mirror each morning. So I am faithful for me. Not him, he’s annoying at times, if I am faithful for him then I could easily justify being unfaithful (if he annoys me or we argue for example). I am faithful for me. I like me. I like my choices. So I’m faithful for me and he is the collateral damage to my choices. My word means something to me and I want to be someone who keeps my word. So I do - for me.

Can you recover? Build something new? Maybe. But his personality traits, that need for validation, maybe avoiding confrontation (he didn’t tell you), his ability to lie - are not traits that will find your anguish and pain easy. You won’t be able to validate and soothe him - then what happens? Your honesty will make him uncomfy - then what happens? You may find you eventually see his traits in another way. You had empathy for his struggles but you may now start to look at him as being needy and pathetic. His desire for smoke up his butt is unattractive and you will see it in a neon light going forward and it will be a reminder of what he does to get an ego boost. It will be tough and that’s without you dissecting what a marriage means to you and do you still have enough to want to keep this one.

Good luck op. No judgement here either way. He’s pathetic for putting you in this position. Good luck.

Thank you so much everyone. All your comments are so helpful.