Aibu to want a timeline to move in together?

[Molly2008]

I (F39) been seeing DP M50 on and off for about 8 years - more seriously the last 4 years. We don’t live together I have 2 teenage children and he lives alone. I have asked if we can agree a timeline for when we will live together in the future… ideally I want him to move closer to me. AIBU? He basically just replies with IDK and is happy to continue to date and see each other few times a week indefinitely but I want more…

Wow, eight years!!!
I think thats a seriously long time not to have progressed this. What does "more seriously" mean?
Hes not going to do it IMO

@Molly2008 you have already been waiting for 8 years.... I don't think its going to happen. Sorry

Hhhm not sure you’re moving in together tbh…

What are your reasons for wanting to live together?

Do you really want to move in with him? Why? Where do you spend time together the few times a week and whats that like? Do your teenagers get on with him?

Well done for not living together esp with teens. So many rush in

how far away is he

I get him not wanting to move to your area. Guessing you won’t go to his due to kids

It sounds like you both see different futures. He likes it as it is and you want something more. You can either continue as you are, or call it a day.

But as you have teens, not living together is probably the best option for them anyway.

He’s happy to continue as you are and you want to move forward. 8 years is a long time not to have made that commitment or at least discussed it properly.
I think you need to assume he doesn’t want to because if he did it would have happened by now or there would be a plan. All you can decide is if you are happy to stay like this or not, if you aren’t then you need to end things.

He doesn’t want to live with you
not everyone wants to live together
at 50 and being used to living in your own
moving area and living with 2 teenagers isn’t really an attractive option tbh
that doesn’t mean he’s not committed to the relationship
but also the change for him is enormous and by moving in with you he’s giving up all his security if you fall out he’d be homeless at 50
where as you aren’t really making any great changes and you still have the security if your own home you have nothing to to lose he has everything to lose
I can see why he doesn’t want to

He’s 50, I doubt he is wanting to live with teens. Especially if his kids are grown up. Sounds like you are both looking for different things out of the relationship OP. Good luck.

He doesn’t want to live with you. Are you expecting to live with your teens?

Living with your own is hard enough.

He’s not obliged to want to move in with you. Cohabiting isn’t for everyone and I doubt he wants to live with teenagers if he’s now at the point where his own kids are adults.

I think you need to have a think about whether this is a dealbreaker for you and if it is, you need to end the relationship. You’re not wrong to want to live together. Equally he isn’t wrong to want to live apart and you can’t force him to move in.

You're NBU to want a timeline but he's told you he is happy keeping things the way they so you are BU by not accepting that and making your own decision if not moving in together is a deal breaker.

Not going to happen, OP. People generally do what they want to. He just doesn’t want to.

It’s reminding me of a friend of mine. He did eight years of a LD relationship with someone he’d met at university, she got tired of hanging about with nothing happening and dumped him for someone else, he was heartbroken and dashed to London with a ring, she said ‘Too late!’

He likes his life the way it is. Living with someone else’s kids is not easy, especially teenagers. He has his freedom. At 50 he is unlikely to give it up unless he’s the one saying that he wants more commitment (which he isn’t). He has told you what he wants, believe him.

50 years old ….yeah I wouldn’t want to move in with a couple of teens either … not sure what you expected really? And what does “off and on” mean? Personally if he is on the better financial position I can well understand why he wouldn’t want to put himself in a vulnerable financial position

Why do you want to risk the financial security of having your property just to live with a reluctant boyfriend?

Enjoy the bliss of your own peaceful house and just date the man/date other blokes if you want.

Yabu to want a timeline. The man is in his 50s not starting life in his early twenties.

Also, you’re the one that’s most keen to live together, so why should it be him that moves. Moving a man in with your teenagers would be detrimental to them wherever you live, but out of the four people that would be affected by this decision, you are the only one that’s wants to move in together. Therefore pushing it would be entirely selfish.

Does he have children?

Has he been married before?

How much time do he and your children spend together? Do your children like him?

Do they want you all to live together as a family unit? They are certainly old enough for you to have had this discussion with them.

However, regardless if that, and regardless of the fact you seem to want to move in with him, he clearly doesn’t feel the same.

At the age of 50 I certainly wouldn’t be giving up my solo and peaceful life to be moving in with teenagers 😬

Basically your plan is take you want him to give up where he lives and move near where you live, yes? What does he want? For a relationship to move forward successfully, you need to be on the same page.

8 years and answering IDK to that question is man code for never and would you just stop fucking asking.

Yes, but there’s an obvious reason to move in together in your twenties or thirties, if you’re planning children together, and building the kind of life that entails. The OP has teenagers so she’s already had this type of life in a previous relationship. Her now-partner chose not to, and now his life as is suits him fine the way he’s arranged it. He doesn’t see the need to cohabit, and bluntly, I don’t blame him. Living with someone else’s teenagers is no one’s idea of cohabiting bliss, even if you’re dying to move in together.

I know a lady who has been with her partner for 25 years without moving in together. It’s a perfectly acceptable model but it’s clearly not what you want. In his shoes, the last thing I’d want to do was move in with your teenagers. The question is: can you wait to see how he feels in a decade?

If he wanted to move in with you it would have happened by now. Personally I wouldn’t move a bloke into my house with two teenage girls anyway.

Yes I totally understand him not wanting to live with teens - I was just hoping for more of a plan for when they fly the nest. I believe he thinks I’ll just move in with him at that point but I’m not sure I want to move and I would feel like the kids may not feel welcome to come back and stay / visit as frequently as I would like. Anyways for now we have separated as I can’t be with someone that won’t have an honest and open conversation about the future.