Starting over in my 50s after separation and feeling terrified

[Liketheclappers]

Just needing to vent / ask advice from older Mumsnet people who have had to start all over again in their 50s. My marriage ended very suddenly earlier this year, it's very messy and traumatic. Divorce papers have been served on me and judging by the timescale given by the court everything will be official just before Christmas. I'm still in the matrimonial home and have had to deal with getting valuations but it hasn't gone on the market as yet. Financial disclosure is in it's early stages, he's significantly better off than me as I'm a mature student so live off my loan.

It's all such a mess and some days I don't know where to start. I have to keep going with my degree to have any chance of financial security in the future but it all gets so overwhelming. My son from my first marriage still lives at home and he's also a student /works part time.

I've lost both of my parents and don't have the best family support around me. I'm just absolutely petrified of the future. Scared I'll never trust anyone ever again and I'm just so tired.

Sending love 😘😘😘

You have a fabulous opportunity for new life, though it doesn't feel that way right now.

Firstly put the trusting people to the back of your mind. I assume you mean men and dating. That can wait. You are not in the right headspace for that and might not be for a couple of years.

If assets are split and the house is sold, then presumably you will have some money.

You can then rent rather than buy and use some of the money to live on.

If you are 55 you can access pensions.

Have you got a solicitor?

I'm acting in person at the moment as I can't afford a solicitor. I'm taking legal advice from a close friend and hopefully I can keep it this way but it will all depend on how messy things get.

How long have you been married?

This is not a good idea. Solicitors will fight tooth and nail to get you what you deserve. He will no doubt try it on. They all do.

Lawyer up. Draw down the tax free bit of your pension and lawyer the fuck up. You only need to fight this battle once.

I'm 52 so I can't access my pension and in any event it's not worth a great deal. Both are frozen whilst I'm studying. I've got more in savings than he has but he gets a very good pension (he's ten years older than me).

I've agreed to the divorce (he's gone down the no fault route) and I've entered into voluntary disclosure regarding finances. I think I'll need a solicitor regarding the response I'm expecting back!

similar situation OP- also 50s , worried about finances , where I am going to live etc, no family support and just trying to make it through each day

Feels horrible doesn't it. This has literally come out of the blue and I had absolutely no idea what was about to happen. Now I've no idea where I'll end up living, I need to finish my degree which is another 18 months and deal with a divorce on top. Sending love 💕

We were in a rocky patch but I was under the impression that he wanted to work things through / wanted a future together - feel like have had the rug pulled from under me and I have been stupid to trust what he has been saying when actions indicated otherwise

Together 17 years and married for 15

Similar, totally blindsided and gaslit (hate that word). Made worse by him actually getting arrested for crimes against me that I had no idea about until I did some snooping and uncovered something horrific. Never know my wildest dreams could I have predicted this.

My advice is to use your friend until the second and final court hearing. I paid for solicitor’s just to check my financial disclosures before I submitted but none of it really matters unless you can’t agree split of assets in the first hearing. If you need to dip into your savings towards the end, I would do it.

Made worse by him actually getting arrested for crimes against me that I had no idea

This can't be right....

Crimes?

You need a solicitor or you will get burned. Mine started amicable until we had to sort the money, then he got very nasty
I left aged 60 -very stressful 3 years of court etc.
Made a new social life, lots of friends, hobbies, sports. Was absolutely not looking for romance but had a 2 year relationship with a man I met at a friend’s barbecue and now 16 months into a wonderful relationship with a man I met at a hobby.
Divorce now out of the way, and the solicitor got me a fair deal. Never been happier.

It sounds like your life will be safer without him and with any luck you will feel happier. I wish you all the best. I hope you find a lovely man in the future who loves and respects you.

Thank you for your reply. Hearing this makes me feel like there is a life out there for me once I'm ready x

Thank you 🙏

Thank you, yes this is what I'm trying to do. She helped me complete form E and I've had to request certain financial information. We haven't exchanged the form as yet so I'm holding out as long as possible before incurring any legal fees. My friend is a barrister and so she's saved me a fortune so far but won't be able to represent me at any court hearings so that's when I'll have to instruct a solicitor.

In what way?

I would emphatically advise you get a solicitor - my sister was in a similar position to you and her solicitor helped her to claim half of ex's pension as it was a long marriage.
Without that she would now be living a very different life as it was a significant amount ( her pension was small due to taking time off with the children).
Because of that advice she is able to manage comfortably.
At least a solicitor will help you look at the options.

Really? I know a couple who separated with no solicitor involved and nobody tried anything on.

Ive come out the other side but was un a similar position. Im 56 now, working full time and in my own house. Not rich by any means but secure. ExH was a nightmare with money. My solictor was expensive but saved me money in the long run.

Good luck OP, you will get there

OP, if he has committed crimes against you that would be classed as domestic violence, you may be entitled to legal aid for the divorce. Please investigate that.