Struggling to feel part of partner’s family after two years together

[Sarahh1971]

Hello, I just joined today, as I saw many topics on this a few weeks back and thought I would reach out to see if anyone can give some insights if you are going through the same, as not too sure how I feel when this happens or how best to approach it really.

Im in my mid 50s, my partner is the same age, we have been together now nearly 2.5 years, live together, really easy and been away, share some lovely times together, he is very generous etc etc and we just love one another's company....but his side of the family and his children I struggle with and this is where things arent so easy.

He has been married twice before (together 18 years with the 1st and I think 9 years with the other), 2 children, x1 from the first one he is 17 and the 2nd one she is 23.

His 17 year old son lives with his mum and we never speak to her but he sees his son pretty much most weeks/takes him out driving as trying to pass his test or takes him away weekends football/shopping etc. He has a good rapport with him. However I never see him as he never speaks to me, which I struggle with as I am really chatty, make him feel welcome and want to just enjoy his company as it makes my partner happy, but its a shame as after 2 years we have no bond or just nothing not even able to hold any conversation. He is a quiet soul, I have no bad feelings towards him at all its just this empty feeling which has now resorted to my partner seeing him on his own.

His daughter is still very close to my partners other ex as well (mother of the 1st child who is 17) as she raised her from a young age and naturally she is also really close to her own mum, they go everywhere together and share the same social circle around dance and music.

For this reason she is just not making an effort with me and what I am finding hard is I feel we have a lot in common with our interests and similar outlook as o what I was like at 23...however this is how it is with her too.

I dont have children so it makes me even more of an outsider looking in. All his family are quite out there and shall we say larger than life. Whereas I have come from a rather insular quieter more reserved family where its really small and just the x4 of us, my brother, mum and dad still together and thats it. His family there are around 20 of them.

His mum is interfering and very opinionated and gossipy and my partner has had to put her in her place a few times because of her rather rude comments now and again which sits at times awkwardly with other members of the family too so I know its not just with us.

My partner is very close to his family, he speaks to them everyday which is lovely, sees his daughter regularly and his son as mentioned above.

So I guess what I am now feeling is do I accept this is how it is with his family? no bond/closeness.... He is very close to my parents and I love this as they are so easy going and really like him too, but I dont have that with his or feel any connection.
I tend to just go along to family things, sit there and be very charming and join in making myself fit in, but other times I dont go and spend time with my friends or alone and I do feel a sense of relief when not there.

Wondering what is best as other than his family, no bond and feeling like this strange outsider even with his kids, has anyone been in this situation before as I love him dearly and vice versa but could this break us?

Whenever his kids who are now getting older are in contact and his family its a strange feeling I get which I struggle to shift.

I have spoken to him about it and he just says they do want you involved and they do like you but I guess I cant change how my daughter is or my son but i love them and want to keep on seeing them. I am all for that and never would stop him seeing them so I just leave it as it is.

Just feeling kind of weirdly on my own re family and maybe the answer for me is to do more with others socially perhaps?
Thank you for reading a rather long post!

Honestly, I wouldn't expect a 'bond' with your partner's YA children. At 17 and 23, you're just a blurry background figure, their dad's current girlfriend. For the 23 year old, she already has two mother figures and doesn't need another one, and has seen her father cycle through two longterm relationships that ended. Asd regards partner's parents/siblings, I'm quite fond of DH's family but they're definitely not my family. They're just perfectly pleasant background noise to me.

You sound lonely. Is this the right relationship for you?

Thank you for your reply, I am lonely you hit the nail on the head and I feel its becoming more obvious to me. I dont think my partner should be my be all and end all but I do feel something is indeed missing.

I too think you should not expect a bond after 2 years, if ever. When his family visit, just 'be', don't try to.force things. U say u are lonely- I understand this. Are there any clubs you could join?

Thank you, I think the just be is very me lol I will indeed try this without forcing anything. I also feel my partner wants more from us altogether too and it never feels this way like it really does feel forced. Im wondering if I need to join more female groups perhaps...

I really wouldn't expect anything like a bond after 2 years.

And I think you need to prepare for it to never be a thing in the future.

It doesn't mean they don't like you or don't want to spend time with you occasionally, but they're adults and you're their dad's girlfriend.

They've no reason to bond with you any more than you'd have reason to bond with a nice, friendly neighbour for example.

I dont have children so it makes me even more of an outsider looking in

Most people are going to have children, but OP, speaking as a childless woman myself, being involved with a father sounds like an incredibly shit deal for the child-free person. That childfree person often ends up being attached and supporting people who they will likely have no contact with or zero access rights to if they ever split up with the parent.

Then there's all the politics regarding birthdays, who's invited, who spends Christmas holidays in which house, how they prioritise their money.

You have to accept that as long as you're with someone who's a parent, you will never, ever be anyone's top priority. You're entering a very asymmetric relationship from day one. Have you really thought about that and are you ok with it? Many people don't.

Do you actually expect his kids to be that connected with you? He was with those other women for a long time, and their marriages still failed. You've only been with him 2 years in comparison, so as far as they're concerned, you are like a passing ship.

You aren't their mother. They already have one. There is nothing in this relationship for them - you will likely just make their family lives more complicated and political. The most interest you can expect is a mild politeness.

You're expecting too much.

You're not a step mom who raised them from childhood or family, you're dad's GF to them, that's it. They've been raised by other women and that's where their family bond is.

Be pleasant and civil. But don't expect to be part of their family group.

I'm agreeing with the find something for yourself.

I agree with @EarthSight about childless or childfree women getting the worst of all possible worlds in some ways by entering into a relationship with a man who has children. I do know women who have made it work, because the relationship itself worked well enough for them to want to figure out the other stuff -- in the most successful case I can think of with teens/YAs, the woman was very hands-off and let them come to her, eventually. (After much longer than two years! Might have taken five for things to get going.) But I suppose that comes down to whether you think this relationship is enough of a go-er for you? You don't sound as if you like his family much in general, though.

Thats interesting and agree its early days, but you know when you want things to just kind of settle or hope it does one day as I really crave that family unit that might be why its hard for me I guess too as my parents are getting older and we are v close. Re his children, that part I have no control over so I guess its either a case of accept it as it is like you say and find my own hobbies/interests and dont take part or just see what happens in a few years, I guess it will always be in the background...on my mind!

All of what everyone else has already said, and also that a 17yo (or 15yo when you met him) boy who is a naturally quiet soul is the very last person you're going to get anything out of, regardless of the family situation. I'm the mum of one such boy and have to drag chat out of him, which I can only do because I've got the lifetime leverage, and the rest of the time he's much happier doing his own thing without any such chat. So you aren't being treated differently to any other adult who'd have come along at this point in his life, and that goes extra for the DD, who was already an adult when you started dating her dad, and isn't in the market for a 50-something female friend who may or may not stick around.

If the relationship with DP is good, that's a win, and if your family like him, that's good too, but it can't be compared to their family set-up that is bigger and seen more seismic changes in the relationships. Your family is presumably glad you've found someone you like that they get on with and they have the bandwidth for building that relationship. It's not the same when his family have kids and ex-wives/partners in the mix. I'd look elsewhere to fill the loneliness gaps, whether through work/hobbies/groups, or maybe mentoring young people or that kind of thing that can give you some connection that satisfies that need.

Thank you for your message, I like that I was thinking about mentoring young adults as I did do this before and feel like I am missing out on this it just makes me feel lonely with my partner's situation and I guess it is what it is for now...we get on great so like you say thats an added bonus and my family too. I have become in the last 3 months a lot more independent from him because of all this and I need to for me too...so thank you!! :)

I think you need to take the 'family unit' stuff right off the table, if I'm honest. This is not your family unit. Your partner has two children who are not that interested in their father's current girlfriend, a mother you find rude and a lot of 'big' characters you don't find that easy to be around. I mean, I wouldn't expect a 17 year old to want to see his dad's girlfriend. He's just living his life, seeing his father for driving lessons, or going away for football weekends etc, and his daughter is very close to both her own mother and your partner's ex.

Just see it as a one-on-one relationship, and evaluate it on those terms. Is it working for you? Would you be happier out of it, either single or finding someone without children?

Married 25 years. Two children. On separation, never heard from Exh family again. Realised never really family and the family/married name only on loan. A jolt of reality for me.,

Sorry to hear that and thats super sad if you created a nice bond or thought you had too.

I think you are far too early in the game to be expecting closeness . This family have already seen 2 previous partners come and go which probably doesn’t help .

The only way it may happen is if you keep turning up to things and putting in the effort . These things can not be forced .

Sending you a hug as a third wife of 20 years myself

Thank you....xx

I really agree with @SinisterPeaches . He has his family unit and they're not going to include you as a part of that.

you know when you want things to just kind of settle or hope it does one day as I really crave that family unit

Things have settled. This is it. If you really crave being part of a family, this is not the relationship for you. You're dating a man with a long established close family unit. But your relationship with him is separate from his family. I've been the kid in this situation and their view of you as dad's GF or wife if you marry is unlikely to change.

Are you ok with things staying the way they are?

Yes. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or with your partner's family, OP, just they're not your family, or interested, at this point anyway, in becoming so. That would work for a lot of people in your position, who would be happy for their partner to conduct an entirely separate life outside the home with his YA children etc, but if it's not working for you, and it sounds as if it isn't, then it's worth re-evaluating the entire relationship. What would it look like it you had a crystal ball and saw that things would be essentially unchanged in five years? Would it be enough for you to stay?

Thats a good way of putting it, I think what is hard for me, if I am really honest here, is the fact I dont have that family, as in both parents are in their 80s, we are super close but once they are gone, I will feel somewhat empty if this makes sense and that something which is missing I havent got with my partner.

Not that I am expecting him to feel in the gap, but it would feel nice to feel something of a family, or even the fun times with even anyone in his family but I dont.

So I might end up looking at this thinking do I want someone who is the same as myself later on in life, or get it from others outside/volunteering... its possible I might do :( its hard to say at the moment, but everytime a family event comes up or with his children, it makes me look at it all very differently again.

Agree, but also think it's quite unlikely to find the craved family unit at this stage. More likely alt is a guy with no kids so that there isn't the complication of having a family around that doesn't include you. But at 50s+ there's not going to be a unit with kids of an age/stage to welcome dad's new partner into the family's heart and settle that way. They're all going to be older kids with an established unit, or if younger kids that's even more complicated potentially. There may be some where the chances of being embraced are better but overall it's not to be expected and is doing well if it's all calm and the kids aren't actively hostile. So I wouldn't re-evalute this relationship on that basis if all else is going well with DP. The craving to belong can hopefully be met in other ways more in OP's control.

A man in his mid 50s with younger kids would probably be looking for someone who would be a caregiver for his kids, but that might be more what OP wants. But that could also end of that relationship ended.

But she's got to decide whether she really wants something like that or the relationship she's got where she's not and never likely to be part of the family group and can she be content with that.

When she said she craves that, it sounds like that is very important to her.

You are right, thank you, I do crave it and I wont ever get it where I am with my partner even thoughI love him dearly, its a weird feeling of feeling like an outsider at the same time. It is very important for me as Im getting older to feel this lovely connection something I have never had but wanting it more as I am getting older I guess.

I spent almost 10 years with who I thought was my soul-mate, we were compatible in every way, BUT his daughters never took to me ( his wife left him 8 years BEFORE we met, when I arrived in his life they were late teens
) When they came to stay I was excluded, even if | cooked the meal they all ate, I didn't get to sit and eat with them. this never changed. I wasn'rt expecting full on happy familes , of course, but respect for the fact this was MY home and the effort and cost I put in to ensure their stay was a lovely one was unappreciated every damn time.
One day 9 years and few months later, he came home from work and stated it wasn't working out for him, and he had already rented a new home ( I still don't know where this is) and left me to sort out current tenancy , all the stuff he left, and then had his daughters arriving for couple months wanting to take "dad's"t hings.. aka my tv my sofa etc etc ( all stuff I either already owned before I met him or stuff I bought myself) his old battered stuff he left they did not want , funnily enough!

This all completely blindsided me, had no idea this was coming, no signs no warning other than his not standing up for me when they visited.

Have since heard he is living with a woman 15 years younger than me....

If you're not 100 per cent confident your guy has your back, and you haven't discussed any future, then run, run now while you can

It sounds like you feel you've no anchor in life. Your parents are elderly. You have no children of your own. Do you have siblings? If so, do they have children you have a relationship with?

I think it's unrealistic to try to manufacture the feeling of "family" in your 50s with a partner and his family, but I can absolutely understand the feeling behind it and wish you well

I think it's a lottery with any family / extended family - rarely do you find that everyone is happy with their lot but merely put up with it because that's how it is. When you get a new partner you also get their 'baggage', how that partner manages it and how you both manage it together is something of an art. The question is are you happy with your relationship - do you do things together - weekends away, evenings out etc - time for just the two of you that makes you feel it's worth continuing? If he's heavily invested in his YA children & family but you don't feel included is it something that you really need or can you fill that gap with friends and hobbies? Don't lose yourself if you're not happy.