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Original poster

Safely leaving an abusive relationship - revenge porn threat

42 replies

QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 20:38

I have had an on-off relationship for 2½ years. It has become increasingly apparent that he has got some sort of PD / some sort of serious MH issues. He has been pushing to combine finances and blend with my family; I have resisted. He has acted really erratically last week or so, which coincided with a male friend visiting. He knew me and my friend were going on; I had 11 missed calls from him. I am really worried about revenge porn. I consented to videos being made after about 6 months, he seemed fine at this point. No red flags. We were on the phone yesterday when I heard porn in the background- I realised it was us as I recognised my voice and a nickname only I would use. I felt absolutely sick as he told me about 6 weeks ago that he had revenge-porned his ex. Things were already on the rocks; it almost felt like a threat the way he told me. He has also said things lately about how he can make someone's life hell if they wrong him. I am absolutely shit-scared. He was up all night messaging me, knowing I had work.... But he ended things. I WAS SO RELIEVED.

People didn't know how bad it was because we didn't mix, we were in a little cocoon. This also made me lose perspective on things. A grab here, a push there, being rough with my belongings. I just need to know the way of ending things without enraging him. He has now said he didn't mean it, he loves me, do I love him? I can't bring myself to say I do. I feel sick talking to him. He sent me a load of the most unflattering photos he has of me this evening. It feels like a threat, somehow. I had to end the call where I didn't say "I love you too" as DC needed something. They are with their dad tonight. (This guy has NOT met DC, btw.) I wish I hadn't got into a TC with him but he was ringing as he was sending these pics through. I asked him why he had them still. As I asked him to delete them last time he sent them. Relative to me, I was quite annoyed. He just said do you love me? I don't know if I just say I love you back to placate him, or what. Please help me I am beside myself with worry. It is Long distance but he knows where I live and work and if people see these videos of me my life in the small village I live in will be over.

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 14/07/2026 20:42

I would report to the police for this OP. He made an implied threat, by playing the recording during your call and telling you that he revenge porned his ex. I'm glad you're free of him. Don't let him worm his way back in because you're afraid.

Original poster
QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 20:53

Thank you for your reply. Do you think police would take it seriously?

He took the videos over a year ago.

He told me about the revenge porn about a month ago

He sent me the unflattering photos last week then said he would delete them

Phonecall with video playing in background was yesterday

Then he just sent me the unflattering photos again now. And is ringing me constantly and saying he is the one person who has ever respected or loved me (which I know isn't true)

OP posts:
pidgewidgeon · 14/07/2026 20:57

This must be so horrible for you. I can just imagine the pit you must have in your stomach, his behaviour is awful.

Definitely contact the police before it escalates further, they will be able to help.

Sodthesystem · 14/07/2026 21:00

Screenshot his texts and show the police.

Revenge porn is a crime. Pretty sure threatening it is too.

Block him too. Stop replying to him. Send him one message telling him never to contact you again and screenshot that. If he gets in touch another way after that once you’ve blocked him, you have him for harassment too.

But straight to the police first thing btw and report his threats.

Original poster
QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 21:00

I feel physically sick. I don't know if I should just say I love you to make him stop. Because there is nothing to stop him doing the revenge porn. He doesn't seem to care about the previous victim he did this to and that it is illegal.

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 14/07/2026 21:00

Log everything that's happened, times, dates, messages. Tell them that he has form and the threats are escalating. It might depend on the officer you get to speak to as to whether they're willing to act now, but I would report now because he's escalating. Have you done a Clare's Law request?

Sodthesystem · 14/07/2026 21:01

QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 21:00

I feel physically sick. I don't know if I should just say I love you to make him stop. Because there is nothing to stop him doing the revenge porn. He doesn't seem to care about the previous victim he did this to and that it is illegal.

Do you know for a fact he did it or is he just saying that, because pretty sure he would have got in deep shit if he actually did it. Maybe not depending on if it was a crime then but still, it is a crime now. And no don’t reply at all.

Original poster
QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 21:02

Sodthesystem · 14/07/2026 21:00

Screenshot his texts and show the police.

Revenge porn is a crime. Pretty sure threatening it is too.

Block him too. Stop replying to him. Send him one message telling him never to contact you again and screenshot that. If he gets in touch another way after that once you’ve blocked him, you have him for harassment too.

But straight to the police first thing btw and report his threats.

There are no texts about the revenge porn though. He told me in person. And likewise with the phonecall. I don't have any proof. All the texts are just pleading ones, and a ton of missed calls. And some unflattering photos of my face sideways on.

OP posts:
30DegreesHighAndRising · 14/07/2026 21:02

Nothing you say will make him stop. Contact the police, they will help you.

Sodthesystem · 14/07/2026 21:02

bigboykitty · 14/07/2026 21:00

Log everything that's happened, times, dates, messages. Tell them that he has form and the threats are escalating. It might depend on the officer you get to speak to as to whether they're willing to act now, but I would report now because he's escalating. Have you done a Clare's Law request?

They are over now so there’s not much point in that. He’s abusive no need to waste time checking to see if he was abusive previously.

The police will probably look into that once she reports his threats though.

Original poster
QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 21:06

No, didn't do a Claires Law. I didn't feel the need to at first then it didn't occur to me. But I am sure from what he has drip-fed over time that he has been abusive in the past. Exes who he doesn't speak to anymore. One who left because he triggered her. One who has now blocked him. Etc.

OP posts:
30DegreesHighAndRising · 14/07/2026 21:07

Okay, one step at a time then. Start the Claire's law request tonight and take it from there.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/07/2026 21:08

Contact the Police. He's abusive, violent and is already committing offences.

If he actually did it, he'd be in a shitload more trouble than embarrassment. That and for anybody to actually see it, they'd either have to be looking for it (which they'd be highly unlikely to admit on the tiny, tiny chance that they happened to find images or video of you) or he would have sent it to them direct, which he'd need to know their details for - and then he's given unequivocal evidence for a criminal prosecution.

Sodthesystem · 14/07/2026 21:09

QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 21:02

There are no texts about the revenge porn though. He told me in person. And likewise with the phonecall. I don't have any proof. All the texts are just pleading ones, and a ton of missed calls. And some unflattering photos of my face sideways on.

Show quote history

You can report it as a perceived threat based on information you have. They might not act on it. But at least it’s on record if he tries anything new.

Try to take some time and some deep breaths op. If someone sent me some nude pictures of a woman I’d tell her and I’d support her in a police report. I wouldn’t think any less of her. It won’t destroy your life if some people see some unflattering pictures. It’ll be embarrassing but realistically so what? Look at the number of women doing only fans these days, no one bats an eyelid. Ok maybe I’m downplaying it but also you’re catastrophising and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

It’ll fuck his life up though. Good and proper.

And no matter what he does, at least he’s dumped. You can go about getting whatever restraining orders you need to get.

Itll be fine love. Just get him reported and work it through.
Step by step.

cestlavielife · 14/07/2026 21:11

Report him
If he goes ahead with sending porn topeople in your village it will be proof on him
Not your shame

Original poster
QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 21:14

That is true. I was expecting to get flamed for letting him take the videos in the first place. So glad I haven't been. He really did seem very nice and normal for the longest time. Then he just became worse and worse but it was very much a "frog in a pot of boiling water" situation and I didn't ever introduce him to friends so there was no frame of reference, people to say "does he always talk to you like that?" Or "I didn't like the way he spoke to you". I feel so fucking stupid.

OP posts:
Ibwah · 14/07/2026 21:27

Look - he is absolutely vile, I think we all
know that. But also I think that now (I hope)
we are in a culture where people absolutely get how illegal and disgusting it is. More fool
him if he does it, he will be arrested and people will see him for the disgusting human he is and there is so much porn everywhere, people
will be very sympathetic and respectful about it and forget about it.

Original poster
QweenOfHearts · 14/07/2026 21:35

@Ibwah thank you I certainly hope so. I know that if it happened to someone I knew I'd not judge

OP posts:
FrustratedApples · 15/07/2026 03:43

Yes, report to police.

Don't speak on the phone - end things via a written format so you have a record.

Wecanbeheroes26 · 15/07/2026 06:02

Were there any consequences or charges from his prior revenge porn? I'd report it.
And do a Claire's law...

I'm no expert but I reckon the worst thing you could do is say you love him, to try and placate him. That seems like digging a bigger hole.

Mumlaplomb · 15/07/2026 07:17

The police will check his phone regarding the revenge porn of his ex, please report him.

Burningbud1981 · 15/07/2026 07:20

Wecanbeheroes26 · 15/07/2026 06:02

Were there any consequences or charges from his prior revenge porn? I'd report it.
And do a Claire's law...

I'm no expert but I reckon the worst thing you could do is say you love him, to try and placate him. That seems like digging a bigger hole.

Why does she need to waste her time doing a Clare’s law request ? She’s ending the relationship she knows he’s a scum bag. Surely the most pressing issue is to report him for the threats

Bonkers1966 · 15/07/2026 07:24

Do Claire's Law and explain why to the police. Soon as you can OP.

MayaPyjama · 15/07/2026 07:25

Honestly, revenge porn isn’t as awful as it feels to you know.

It happened to someone at my DH’s work and they sent a video to all of the colleagues. Most didn’t watch it, and most of those that did watched it in error not realising what it was. Not one person thinks any different of the person, other than they worried that she was in an abusive relationship and more people stepped up for her in a difficult time.

At the end of the day, we all have sex. Everyone you’ve met has assumed you’ve been having sex. If they’re confronted with it in a video, they probably don’t want to see it but it won’t be a shock to them if they do. And you won’t be the one who comes off worse in that scenario - he will. The other person at DH’s work was inundated with offers to go and beat the guy up, but she asked everyone not to.

Original poster
QweenOfHearts · 15/07/2026 07:44

@MayaPyjama thank you that is really reassuring! I had 16 missed calls last night from him, after I had to end the call and couldn't bring myself to say "I love you too". Plus 2 calls from a withheld number. One of which was at 3am. So I am sure he is now using withelf numbers to try and get through to me.

OP posts: