To tell an abuser that I suffer from confabulation?

[Waheymum]

This, basically. I have an acquired brain injury. I've had an argument with my husband's mother. Turns out he had scapegoated me to her (told her in the heat of an argument that I hated her, which I'd never expressed). I suffer from confabulation (false memory) and could explain away every fault in my arguments just by telling her "I'm really sorry I said those things; I suffer from confabulation as a result of a very serious brain injury" (which she knows about). My husband says I can't do it, I am unable to start again because I'm not forgiving enough, and that he and his therapist have agreed that I can never tell an abusive narcissist that my brain fills in gaps in memory with false memories because she'll use it against me/abuse the information and me.

The thing is, my brain injury could explain everything away, we could start from scratch. We could have a positive relationship.

I dont think it would work, lovely.
Too much past history and if your mother is abusive, telling her you have a brain injury is like offering a starving lion a plump week old fawn on a platter, all wriggling and asking to be shredded.

I hear the desperation to have a healthy relationship and loving mother but unfortunately you have the one who exists, not the one you'd like to have.

I'm truly sorry for your longing for a loving mother that can't be satisfied by the one you've got. I dont think its a wound that ever really heals, although you learn to live with it and things get better ... as long as you don't offer yourself up to those claws. Then you're in trouble.

Why do you want a relationship with an abuser?

... because its her mother. The person we're most programmed by nature to love, except for our own children, and the power balance is different there.

Because it would mean that I, DH, the kids, and my MIL could do things as a family. At the moment I feel like things might be happening or being arranged behind my back. My parents would never exclude my DH from coming to family get-togethers.

Who is the abuser ? Sorry I understand that you’ve had an argument with your MIL?

I desperately want everyone and everything to just work and be nice.

This is your husbands issue to fix. He is the one who lied to his mum and used you as a scapegoat in an argument. Why are you looking for ways to fix this when he caused the problem and he is the one who needs to own up to his mum and admit he lied.

The MIL. She genuinely abused her own children. My DH is in lifelong therapy for it.

No. Your husband is right (although it sounds like he put it a bit meanly). I'm sure you do want everything to just work and be nice. Find a way to do that which relies on what you do and not your MIL changing personality.

People are misreading the OP. Her husband was arguing with his mother and lied saying the OP hated her. This is his problem to fix not the OP’s

Your main issue is that your DH threw you under the bus. He needs to sort things by 1) apologising to you and promising it will never happen again and 2) Telling his mother that he scapegoated you and you didn't actually say those things and then making sure she doesn't keep treating you badly as a result. Both of these as a minimum.

@Waheymum I'm so sorry that you have had a brain injury and seem to have a very unpleasant MIL as well. However, you can't fix another person and make them nice or make them like you or make them behave the way you want them to.

Your DH should have your back here and should not be dropping you in the shit with his own mother. He needs to sort this particular issue out. However, I suspect for the bigger picture stuff, you might just have to accept that you are not going to get to play happy families with her. Not your fault, but hers.

Thankyou. The problem is, she knows he's a good liar. Yet she chooses to believe him over me. I'd like to tell her the complete truth about my brain injury because it would excuse everything I've said that's wrong.

Not sure why either of you see her at all.

Well you said in your OP that your husband lied and you’ve never expressed that you hate her. So by you using your brain injury to explain it away you’d be trying to explain away something you haven’t actually said.

Your husband was out of order throwing you under the bus like that and he absolutely needs to go back to his mum and admit that he lied and that you have never said that and that he did it to hurt her. He is not damaging your relationship with her more by lying to her and negatively involving you.

If your husband is seeing a therapist with regards to his mother and she is an apparent narcissistic abuser, you’re never going to win with her. It sounds like the relationship between the two of them is very troubled and you’re probably better off just staying out of it.

She wants to see the children. I am not having her see them without me there, therefore she and I need to get on if she wants to see them. I said something based on a false memory, and I think the way to repair the relationship is to apologise and explain about my disabilities.

You'll never have a positive relationship with an abuser. It doesn't matter what you do.

My DH seems to be trying. He was on a video call with her this morning, with our toddler, while I was feeding the baby in another room. I went in and brightly and loudly called hello to her and he is angry about that because I'm too transparent to fake it. I did so because it felt very much like it was being done behind my back.

@Waheymum sounds like you are going to do whatever you need or want to do here. I hope it works out for you, but maybe try and take on board what everyone is saying about trying to fix a relationship with an abusive person.

She was abusive to her own children. Stop offering up yours. Who care what she wants; put their needs first, and that is to be protected from her, not to play happy families but end up in therapy.

Do you have access to your own therapy OP? If you’re more vulnerable than others due to your brain injury I feel like you should have someone outside of the situation that you can talk to.

I started looking into it but my DH said there's no point in me having therapy because I don't want to change

I guess by change he means allow the children to see his mum without me there?

Your husband shouldn't have told her that you said that. Maybe he blurted it out in frustration to try to get through to her how disliked she is because of her behaviour. He still shouldn't have said it but perhaps he wasn't intentionally throwing you under the bus.

But I would listen when he says not to explain your affects of your brain injury to her (again?) A woman who has abused her son his whole life will have no qualms about using your condition against you. You would be giving her an open invitation to gaslight you and lie about you. And possibly talk about it with your children to undermine you.

Reading your post, how much you wish you could have a pleasant relationship with her, made me feel quite sad for you. It shouldn't be much to ask, should it? But as others have said, you can't have a pleasant relationship with an abuser because to them other people are prey, including their own children.

So what if she wants to see (or possibly have a crack) at your children? She has chosen to be the sort of person they need protecting from. And that is what you must do regardless of how she reacts. If she really blows up about it that would be a good reason to go no contact. If she doesn't she might well be playing a long game and that, I think, should make you even more wary of her.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar OP doesn't mention her mother in the post?

Your husband is not an authority, get therapy if you want, he doesn't get to give his permission.