To tell an abuser that I suffer from confabulation?

[Waheymum]

This, basically. I have an acquired brain injury. I've had an argument with my husband's mother. Turns out he had scapegoated me to her (told her in the heat of an argument that I hated her, which I'd never expressed). I suffer from confabulation (false memory) and could explain away every fault in my arguments just by telling her "I'm really sorry I said those things; I suffer from confabulation as a result of a very serious brain injury" (which she knows about). My husband says I can't do it, I am unable to start again because I'm not forgiving enough, and that he and his therapist have agreed that I can never tell an abusive narcissist that my brain fills in gaps in memory with false memories because she'll use it against me/abuse the information and me.

The thing is, my brain injury could explain everything away, we could start from scratch. We could have a positive relationship.

He says it won't help me because I don't want to change (I guess change in this situation would be to let her see the kids without me there?).

So, your husband lied about you to his mother, then got angry with you for just saying hello when he was on a video call, and is now telling you that you should not have therapy because (in his expert opinion) you don't want to change.

You have a DH problem. That is the thing you need to address.

Also, never, ever try to play happy families with an abusive narcissist (your MIL).
Your job as a responsible parent is to keep your children away from her.

Don't tell her about your injury - that is just giving her a stick to beat you with.

Try to see her as little as you possibly can.
Never let the children see her without you present.
Keep her on a strict diet of information (don't tell her anything important about you, DH or the DC, just keep to inconsequential chit-chat).

Yeah, he doesn't get to say what therapy will or won't do for you. Disregard his opinion.

You said you wanted to do things with your husband, someone who abused him to the point he needs lifelong therapy, and your kids. This is not a good idea.

It doesn’t sound like your husband is the kindest to you OP. Throwing you under the bus in arguments with his mum and not encouraging you to seek therapy and support when you’re more vulnerable than others due to brain injury.

I think you need to work on acceptance of the status of the current relationship and abusers behaviours

Then decide what to do

Then you need to stop playing games and let your DH get on with it. It's his mother and he can have a relationship with her if he wants to. It doesn't mean you have to and it doesn't mean your kids see her without you but doing things like going in this morning are only driving a wedge between you and your husband.

Your DH sounds like a bit of an arse OP with some of the things you’ve said he’s said and how he got angry at you for walking into a room happily saying hello? And saying how you don’t want to change?

Your MIL and DH both sound like twats

How confident are you that said abuser wouldn’t use the information against you?

Ok.
The more you post, the more I’m thinking HE is abusive himself. And controlling.

He lies (and from what you said, it’s not an uncommon thing) and is good at it.
He used YOU during an argument with his mum and then let YOU deal with the aftermaths.
He used telling you what to do and whether you can have counselling. Wft?!?
He is using his own coubselling to have a go at you.

Please please, go and have counselling for yourself!

Btw the counsellor is right that you can’t tell your MIL that you have confabulations. She WILL use it against you and bring it up every time she wants to get away with murder.
Do not do that!

EDIT TO ADD
What you want to dois fair enpugh and the right way to deal with things btw.
But it’s only the right way with MOST people. Not with abusers.
You can’t negotiate or have reasonable discussions with abusers

OP please speak to someone other than your husband. He is weaponising your disability just as much as he states his mother would. You and your children are at risk here

I'm so sorry OP, but that's up to other people. Protect yourself and set boundaries. If they want to play ball they will.

Why was your dh annoyed you walked into the room and said a friendly hello to your mil? I don’t get it, did he think you were being sarcastic? Or annoyed to be interrupted or something?

I also don’t understand why his mother has never heard anything about your brain injury before now?

Is he trying to protect you from her somehow? In which case he should also keep your dc at arms length from her as well if she’s been so abusive.

Sorry op what your dh is doing and saying doesn’t make any sense, I thought maybe he’s trying to protect you from her, but if he wants to have a relationship with her just the two of them and your dc then that sounds very controlling and manipulative

Why would you use your brain injury to appease his mum after your husband lied to her? That’s more worrying to me. Have you asked him why he’s driven a wedge between you and his mum? I’d also want to under why he wants to leave his children alone with someone who had done him so much harm.

I’d also not be leaving my kids with a grandparent with a track record of child abuse, and if she couldn’t find a way to get on with me to where we could do things together, she simply wouldn’t see the children. You don’t owe anyone a relationship and certainly not with someone who is abusive.

Therapy would be really helpful for you in understanding why you’d throw yourself under the bus to appease your DH and his mum. I suspect though that taking a step back in therapy would show you how controlling and abusive your DH is, which would leave you with some very tricky decisions to make.

OP I think your husband is using your brain injury against you. Did you actually have an argument with MIL, if so what was it about? How do you know if something is a false memory or not? Who tells you?

Honestly, I would go to therapy as your husband does not sound like a good man.

Quite honestly your husband sounds awful. I think you should push for your own therapist and tell them everything.

Looks like you're being abused by your DH and MIL. And your kids will grow up repeating the same dynamics in their lives. Is that what you want?

Your Mil and your husband are both abusive. Please seek therapy for yourself OP. So sorry but your husband is not on your side and his mother never will be either.

This was the entire argument (copied from WhatsApp) after thanking her for coming to my daughter's birthday- names redacted

[12/06, 19:47] ME: By the way, I feel I should explain why my friends were staring at you at DD's party: in short, DH told me not to tell them you were coming. As a good wife, I did what he wanted. A number of them were confused (and concerned for their own children) because there was a total stranger (to them) at the party. I wanted to tell them before the day. I didn't have time to talk to most of them so nobody knew who you were. DH had said you were upset about the party, I'm sure he'd have said he had no idea why my friends might have been staring at you.
[12/06, 19:48] ME: Not my doing, your son's lack of social skills and child protection
[12/06, 20:18] DMIL: I can’t do this. I overheard conversation. Please accept some responsibility.

It was quite clear that your friends were blanking me. Most people say ‘Oh hello, you must be DH's mum?’ Unless there is a good reason not to.

Also DH has said you are very much against me. He actually used the word Hate. That the rhetoric of me being against breast feeding is still being held, regardless of how many times I say that is untrue. That you believe my grand children require safe guarding against me. That you don’t believe thatDH would recognise if I would be harming my own grand child. This is very difficult for me to hear and I am very close to walking away.

That because I am fundamentally against home schooling you hate me.

And also I believe (I didn’t quite understand this one to be honest) you’re educationally and financial knowledge lower than me, I think he was implying. - which again, I don’t think that at all. In fact it’s not something I think about. I’m just trying to get through my days.

The way you snatched DD2 from me was shocking, when she had been awake for less than a few seconds - she was literally just waking up, you had fed her constantly all afternoon - there was no need for that reaction.

And now you’re blaming DH and implying child protection. Wow.

As I said to DH we come from very different worlds, and there will be things that I don’t agree with, but that’s no reason to hate somebody.

There will be different use of language, apparently me saying ‘I’ll give you your dignity’ particularly grated, but its Intention that is the most important part of life. And I believe my intention was sensitive and protective at that point in the Dictum, but again this has been played out as that I am in the wrong.

I’m exhausted by it MY NAME, and now you are blaming DH, who is absolutely stuck in the middle and it’s not fair on him.

Please leave me alone for a few weeks, I am tired.
[12/06, 20:24] ME: I've never said I hate you, those are DH's words. I've told him time and time again I don't hate you. DH is not stuck in the middle. I have never done anything to try to remove you from his life, whatever he might say. I've told you the truth. One of my friends works for the police, she does not allow her children to be around strangers. Please don't blame me for your son's relationship with you, I've been scapegoated enough
[12/06, 20:25] ME: My aunt is against homeschooling, I don't hate her
[12/06, 20:30] ME: I'm a good wife to DH
to my detriment, it seems. I've tried and tried to maintain a good relationship with you and been scapegoated at every turn. DH was estranged from you until after we'd met. I don't think I can realistically be blamed when he told me not to tell my friends you were coming
[12/06, 20:31] ME: Oh and I was facing away from you at the picnic table because it's physically impossible to face forwards and breastfeed
[12/06, 20:32] ME: When a baby is bashing their face against you, they need a feed
[12/06, 20:32] ME: It takes six weeks to establish breastfeeding
[12/06, 20:32] ME: Not feeding on demand would likely be neglect
ME: I feed her despite being hungry or desperately needing a wee
ME: Because my daughter had been asleep she hadn't fed for a while. She feeds upon waking up.
ME: She has a tiny tummy and digests milk quickly
ME: You can disbelieve me if you want to on anything I've ever told you but I don't lie because I'm too transparent and my memory isn't good enough to maintain a lie
ME: I need to be there because I'm with my children all the time and they don't know you yet. It takes DD1 a long time to build relationships before she's confident with a new person, DD2 can't be away from me because she needs to eat.
ME: I did not imply child protection, it's just that my friends- one of whom works for the police and therefore sees a lot of cases- rightly expected to know who'd be around their children. DH asked me not to tell them you were going to Ophelia's party in advance. [DH's name] also only considered inviting you because he invited [DBIL] at short notice, who threatened to tell you that [DH] hadn't invited you to [DD]'s party. I'm aware how childish the whole scenario is! I just put events like parties on my family's WhatsApp chat like a normal person and hope some of them will come.

To add, I've recently learnt that DD2 has a minor tongue tie, as in she's not quite severe enough for them to cut the frenulum. I learnt this because she changed weight gain trajectory. I was right to offer milk as soon as she was awake, though I didn't know it at the time, I instinctively did it.

Leave your husband to maintain a relationship with the woman who abused him, stay out of it altogether. You don't need to message the woman, archive her number.