Struggling with intimacy when I feel overwhelmed by work and housework

[BeGreyWriter]

Husband is tired of me not initiating alone time or being intimate. He said it’s very concerning.

I haven’t been feeling great this week. I’ve felt off and just generally can’t cope with the mess and disorder in my home. Have two kids, they’re great but they make a fair bit of mess. As any kid would. My issue is that it’s just left there. It doesn’t get cleaned until I do it. It seems the tidying of anything waits for me. Putting the dishes on, getting the washing in and out, putting the clothes away, clearing the table after breakfast once I’m finished work. Little things.

for context. My husband works full time but only half the year. I work full time from home. Where it feels like I’m working and doing the housekeeping at the same time. I start work at 8am. My husband sometimes wouldn’t wake until 10am, so the kids naturally wake up early and I’m having to work and deal with them at the same time. It gets to me. Cause it’s affecting my work.

while working, i make breakfast lunch and dinner. Get the clothes ready for the day including his. Clean all the spaces that needs cleaning:

I can’t function in a wrecked place. It does something to my mood and my brain. I can’t cope.

I’ve asked him to help me to alleviate the load and I won’t be as tired. He said he’s the provider and we all have our roles.

i don’t voice out my feelings to him anymore cause im afraid of how he’s gonna mansplain or fix it or tell me to get a grip and pull myself together.

hed like me to be more intimate and to initiate sex, how does one feel like having sex after all of this? Am I just not coping or am I being a b!atch? I don’t go out with friends anymore. He doesn’t drink so we don’t do anything like that. Am I doomed?

And yes, you’re doomed as long as you remain with this man in this situation. He needs a total personality change. Otherwise I think you will need to get away from the marriage.

You don’t need a therapist you need to kick his arse into touch. Tell him fucking straight, he pulls his weight or it’s over. Sex is not something to barter with,so don’t. But do tell him this isn’t the 1950s, you work too.

I think I would tell him that I find his attitude and lack of maturity deeply unattractive, and that i’m not going to have sex with someone I’m not attracted to 🤷🏼‍♀️
If he wants you to feel attraction and desire, he needs to be the type of man that you find attractive.

You don’t need a therapist, you need a divorce. I doubt many women would want to have sex in the situation you describe.

You need a new reasonable man as a husband who will cherish you and know how to easily win your willing and voluntary desire for a good marital sex every now and then as needed. Amos 3:3!

How can you want to have sex with someone you quite rightly resent so much? You work full time so he's not the only provider, you need to make this clear to him and insist that he steps up with the housework or else you will make plans to leave. Lazy, unkind, ungrateful man !!

The only thing you're doing wrong is continuing to put up with this. Make an exit plan then tell him you need more help around the house, when he inevitably refuses then you can put your leaving plan into action.

My vagina would slam shut at the thought of having to be intimate with such a lazy arse.

I would never be with a man who claimed he was the provider and made me work 🤡

Love this 😀

So you're his cook, his maid, his nanny AND you do a full-time job. It is no wonder you don't have the energy to be his sex worker as well.

Tale as old as time...

Omg op another entitled twat. Why do men think if they provide they get out of everything else. You work full time so you should get up 5 minutes before work and get lazy arse to sort the kids out. I’m not surprised you don’t want sex he thinks he in the olden days where caveman provide and woman do everything else. Fuck that op you need to explain men can help around the house even if they work full time. Who picked up after him before you came along. Oh op I feel for you your mind must be so overwhelmed with it all. I would consider getting a cleaner if you can or you speak to his lordship tell him that he needs to pull his weight around the house or you will never fancy sex again. He’s such a caveman. Do not let him treat you like his mother you are worth more than that. Your kids need a mum who isn’t overwhelmed they don’t want you burnt out you need to sort priorities before you crack up.

I was going to write something, but no need, this post says everything OP .

Can he not actually get his own clothes out?!

Bet he is 15 years older than OP

Omg op another entitled twat. Why do men think if they provide they get out of everything else.

Why do they think they "provide" if their partner also works? What makes their money more special than hers? Omg op another entitled twat. Why do men think if they provide they get out of everything else. think this is a manosphere thing. Women have to stop buying into it. He's not the provider if you're dual income.

If a couple love the idea of "traditional" housewife and provider-husband, then he needs to be in a job where he provides enough money for everyone to live comfortably, gives her an allowance, does the bins, garden, DIY, and cars at weekends.

And she does the childcare and housework and has nice lunches with the ladies.

If she's doing everything and still get whined at for not feeling like fucking a giant man-baby, then she's really getting mugged off.

Divorce. What an absolute pig of a man.

Explain to him that in order to want sex, you need to find him attractive. And in order to do that, you need a husband who realises that it is not the 1950s but also isn’t blind and realises that you also work full time.

Honestly i would seek therapy for your self esteem but also seek legal advice about leaving him.

Also, i know you’d be concerned about the kids if you left, but trust me, neither of you are setting a good example right now.

You don’t need a therapist OP, you need to leave this horrible overgrown manchild.
Provider? Then why do you work? Why does he only work half the year? Just no. Goodbye to him. You’ll be much happier.

Your husband is a lazy, pompous, entitled twat. He thinks that going to work is his only role, and anything else, is down to you. You also working full-time seems to have bypassed him!

Stop laying out his bloody clothes!! He's a grown adult, who is perfectly capable of doing it himself.

If he can't see that him not helping at home, is an issue, then be honest....tell him that him not pulling his weight at home is hardly going to make you view him in a positive light. So it's not surprising you don't want sex with an unsupportive man.

He sounds like a child, in the way he parents, in his ladybird book interpretation of adult gender roles, and even having his clothes laid out.

It’s no wonder you’re struggling to be intimate. Emotionally he sounds about six.

The second thing is I’m surprised you’re getting away with what you’re doing from a work point of view. If you need this job financially, it’s very risky.

What ages are your dc? Is the house owned or rented? What do you work at, and could you work outside the house?

Oh forgot the other essentials for the recreation of the idealised 1950s household - ready supply of valium for her, and bromide for his tea. 😂

He is the provider of what, exactly?
He works and contributes to the finances, great. It sounds like the contribution ends there.
Meanwhile, you also work and contribute to the finances. You also cook, clean, tidy, wash, presumably ferry the kids around and plan and execute all the plans they need like school uniforms and book days and sports kits and the like. Does he sort out the car? The insurances for the car, house, contents? Does he keep on top of the budgeting and investing every week? Does he write the shopping list? Do the food shop? Deal with the school reception when they call with an issue? Does he manage the plumber/handyman when something breaks and it needs sorting? Does he do the research for where to find cheap kids clothes, shoes, replacement domestic items, etc., and then organise himself to go out and get the things and complete the associated tasks?

If he doesn’t do any or all of that, why on earth does he think he is providing anything to the family other than another mouth to feed and another drain on your resources and energy?

No, it is not unusual or wrong for you to be turned off by him.

I wrote a message previously but I want to reply to this. Don’t immediately bin him. Absorb from this thread a new understanding of the facts at play here - YOU are not the problem. You are doing nothing wrong. He needs to grow up and run the house as if you weren’t there, as if it is his business which he wants to succeed.

When you’ve done that, have these conversations with him. They will be hard, but if he loves you and he wants to stay with you, he will start to do better. If he wants to be CEO of the family business, he needs to start acting like it (he needs to start acting like you!).

If he doesn’t, well then you can say you’ve done all you can to make it work but unfortunately he isn’t willing to invest in the family the way he promised to when you committed to one another. That’s a shame, and it’s all on him.

Tell him that his inability to step up and be a man at home and take on the adult responsibility we all have is making your clitoris shrivel up. He is being deeply unattractive. Why would you want to have sex with him?