Young adult drinking

[tootoomuchnow]

I am at the end of the road with my DS21 drinking.

Over the last 4 years there have been so many nights of really drunken behaviour, where he becomes someone completely different. This could be that he becomes really distressed over something in his life, or becomes abusive towards me when I’m trying to check on him for whatever reason, coming home with no keys/phone, to be physically brought home by friends. I could go on, but I don’t really want to.

He’s out a lot, on average 2/3 nights a week, but some weeks it could be as many as five nights, ranging from one drink to who knows how many. We can go weeks without any issues, but last night has been another particularly drunken night where he’s been brought home and I’ve when I checked on him, it’s escalated and I’ve been told to fuck off, etc.

I can’t continue to live like this, wondering what he’ll be like when he comes home, (if he comes home). And it scares me that a future partner would be living this.

I’m due to go on holiday and I know ok hounding to fully enjoy it for fear of what’s happening at home.

Anyway, to get to the point, I think the time has come for me to tell him he needs to move out. I don’t want it to come across as an ultimatum, because if know problem drinkers likely won’t respond well to that.

But the fact is, his drinking is the only reason. When he’s not drinking, I adore him. He’s never given me any trouble apart from when drunk. It’s just us in the house and there are no issues, no disrespect, no swearing at each other. I know I’ll be lost without him here.

I just don’t know how to handle this now. I’ve tried and tried to explain the possible consequences to him of getting so drunk, and nothing is changing.

I go on holiday in a few days and I worry that if I discuss moving out with him, that he’ll take that as a rejection and then spend my time away getting hammered, with who knows what consequences. But he could be doing that anyway.

Please help me. I don’t want this to be my son’s life forever.

Sorry for typos. Tried to edit and it’s jumping around.

https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services
This link gives a list of organisations that might be of use to you in providing some help and support OP.

It must be a difficult and upsetting situation for you.

Thank you @AnonymityAnonymity

I really feel for you.

You've probably done this, but your OP doesn't say - have you discussed it all with him when he's sober?

The damage being done to his health and future, to his relationship with you, to his finances and so on?
Does he accept that it's a problem?

He's fortunate to have a caring Mum and things can get better for him. But, he has to do it.

You need this holiday. Could you have a gentleish conversation about his view of the short term/medium term future? Ask him to just think things over with a view to another conversation when you get home?

I think asking him to move out would ruin your holiday more than not doing so yet, on balance.

Side note: what are you checking for when he's drunk at home? Leave him to it?

Thanks @theansweris42last nights examples are that he was bleeding when brought home, as he had fallen, so I went to check he was cleaning that and I pointed out he had his watch under the tap. Then there was really loud banging from his room and I thought he had punched the wall.

I have tried conversations when he sober. He doesn’t really engage, just either laughs when I tell him what he’s done, or apologises. But here we are again.

I would step back from the checking... natural consequences.
If he gets an infection, ruins his watch, causes damage he'll have to pay to rectify, that's on him.

Maybe don't bother describing what he's done/said to try to make him understand.

Tell him you think he's drinking too much, it's affecting his health and future and also affecting you. Keep it short. It's a statement rather than a conversation.

And you'd like him to think about it properly while you're away. You don't have to hear him agree to think about, just say your say.

The thing with alcohol is the only person who can help him, is him. You can't fix it.

You can lovingly express your concerns before you go and then decide next steps for you, when you get back.

I repeat, you need this holiday.

I wouldn't be leaving to his own devices at home whilst you're on holiday .

Thank you.

Yes, you’re probably right. But whether I check on him or not, doesn’t change who he is when he’s drunk. I’ve seen him switch on me/others even when you think a normal conversation is being had, and he takes offence at something.

I do need this holiday, but when he’s got form for coming home with no keys or phone, I’m left worrying what he’ll do if I’m not home.

I’ve told him before I can’t live like this, numerous times. And did actually send him to stay with his dad a couple of years back after another drunken line was crossed and I just lost it. I hated myself for that and I hated him being away, but I hoped it would change things. But it never lasts.

What would you do?

I should say, this isn’t the first I’m I’ve been away and he’s been abroad with mates plenty. But these two incidents in the last month, just before I go, are obviously concerning me.

Coul he stay with a relative,friend etc.
Do you trust him to look after the house in your absence ?

I would be very tempted to video him when drunk and show it to him when he’s sober. If you don’t address it straight on, there’s no chance of things improving. Ultimately though it’s your home and you don’t have to keep housing him if he’s being disrespectful and making you feel uncomfortable. I would try the direct approach and if that doesn’t work, give him an ultimatum. Either he sorts himself out or he finds alternative accommodation. Tough love OP.

I don’t think getting horribly pissed 2-3 nights a week is anything but standard for a 21 year old. It would have been pretty tame when I was that age. Certainly, until I was turning 30 and settling down to have dc, being out 4-5 nights a week was pretty standard in my social circle. I think the issue is that you are still micromanaging him. You need to let him get on with taking responsibility for his own life. My mummy wasn’t getting me glasses of water and cleaning up after me. I had to sort myself out and get myself up for work the next day. Maybe if he had responsibilities and bills to pay, he’d be a bit more sensible. How about looking for a flare share or a room?

@WilliamsandWatsonTooLateNSoulNothing terrible has happened to the house on my past holidays.

His dad has a 3 year old who doesn’t sleep well, and DS works early mornings, so it wouldn’t be ideal for him to go there now, and I imagine it would really damage our relationship for me to effectively force him out and take his keys at a few days notice.

I need to head to work now, but thanks for the responses. I’ll be speaking to him later.

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear of your son's troubles and the worry it gives you.
I would suggest calling Al Anon (0800 0086 811) they will be best able to advise you and support you through this difficult time.
Good luck.

Could a relative or close family friend stay at yours whilst you're away just to be on hand?

This sounds awful and I think your gut instinct is right. He needs a shock. With you and his friends always looking after him he keeps getting away with it. His friends won't be sitting him down being serious as he's probably fun before he maxes out. Please don't feel like he will be like this forever - he may have some other stuff going on right now. But yes I think he needs a shock to the system and to see the consequences. I'm not sure if that's asking him to move out or just not helping him clear up etc. Could you maybe record him secretly and play it back? Could you casually mention to one of his friends who you know well? Just ideas. I'm no expert.

Enjoy your holiday. You deserve a break.

Believe me , you dont want it to be your life forever either. Go on your holiday and have a conversation when you come back, setting clear house rules and making it clear if it happens again, over a set time frame, he will need to move out.

I suspect nothing will happen while your away because he will now there’s no one there to wipe up his mess. My son drinks too much too and it’s worrying. I would pop your ear plugs in (tell him you will be) and leave him to it.

Go and enjoy your holiday. But when you're back, sit him down and tell him he has to move out, and that the reason is his drinking. There's absolutely no point in sugar-coating it. Ignore his assurances that he'll stop etc. etc. He might mean it, but he won't stop. I know it sounds horrible, but your support is enabling his alcoholism. And the sooner he gets help the better.

I had similar with my son for years. Encouraged him to go to counselling for over a year which helped a bit. But he still reverted to his old ways. As a last resort I videod him being sick all over himself and my car and made him watch it sober a couple of times. He always downplayed his drunken behaviours, said everyone does it and that he wasn’t the worst. Could be maturity now he’s 25 but things are a lot better altho he will always have a drink issue. I have sympathy for you, it’s really tough. But I don’t think I would ask him to leave, I think he could spiral. Good luck

I was so much worse than this at that age, but I didn’t live with my parents. If I did I would be respectful or just not do it. Getting drunk is (I know it’s not good) but not alarming for a 21 year old , but if he’s disrespecting his home and parents then that’s another matter

@tootoomuchnow

What a tough situation, OP, but this.

And it would probably do him a bit of good to have to problem solve and deal with the consequences when you’re not there to rescue him. He needs the tough love I’m afraid. I’m sure nothing too terrible can/ would happen. But maybe just make sure your home and contents insurance is up to date, just in case…

Enjoy your holiday, as best you can.

In a few years to come, this may be the best thing that’s happened to him, but obviously, it won’t be obvious. You can still love and support him when he’s loving elsewhere, but you have the boundary there, that’ll help both of you.

Good luck!

Hi op I wouldn’t be saying anything before you go away if he’s stupid enough to lose things that’s on him. Just say to him before you go please do not get too drunk you lose your keys. Your old enough to know better if you choose to get drunk that’s your responsibility but my holiday is long overdue and I won’t be able to help you anyway so please don’t ruin my time away with issues and be responsible please. Then when you get back have words you don’t want him to move out but he won’t stop drinking until he’s ready so you need a compromise until you’re ready to throw him out. It’s expected young people drink but he’s obviously an an angry drunk which is dangerous. He won’t liked being told what to do either.

Don’t say anything before you go away.

you don’t want him getting drunk and angry with you and taking it out on stuff you own.

do have a conversation with him - maybe frame it as now that he’s growing up it’s time he had some more independence and he needs to be looking at ways to move out.

can he afford to move out? Does he have friends in a house share he could move in with?

It didn’t go well.

I asked him to have a think about his level of drinking while I’m away - how it’s affects his health, safety, relationships. I asked if there was a reason for the particular level of drunkenness these last two occasions, meaning anything on his mind. No reason, just that kind of day, it seems. No remorse when I said again about how he speaks to me m/acts on nights like these, which again he didn’t remember.

Asked him to think about whether he thinks anything will change, and if he thinks it won’t, where do we go from there.

Told him I was telling him all this because I love him.

When he could tell I had finished, he just walked away. I asked him to come back for a hug which we always do before bed (I leave tomorrow morning).

He refused.

I had tried to keep it from being confrontational, but he just wanted to explain it all away.

Im losing him now, I can feel it coming.