Does my husband's behaviour suggest he has a crush on our friend?

[frostpod]

Over the years I have noticed a certain dynamic where my husband is often a bit agitated in the company of a friend of ours wife. They have all known each other since they were teenagers and while we do sometimes socialise together I don't know this woman very well. She doesn't drink and is fairly quiet, doesn't give much away. I do think she can be funny and I like her but I don't know her well.

What I do notice is that my husband is wound up by her even being in the same room. He will relentlessly tease her and try to get a rise out of her, he will say how he doesn't like it when she is there because she doesn't drink. Essentially she will be the focus of his attention most of the time they are in the same place while she herself says very little and what she does say seemingly getting under his skin.

At one point I actually thought he doesn't like her much now I think it might be the opposite and that he does like her quiet a lot. It's bothering me but at the same time I don't actually think anything is happening or will happen. I just wish he would be a bit more normal around her.

Do you think am correct to think he has a crush on her?

Trust your gut. Tell him you’ve noticed too, even though he’ll deny it.

Trust your gut. Tell him you’ve noticed too, even though he’ll deny it.

Or he is a bully.

He’s either bullying or flirting. Neither is ok.

Hmm he's not a bully, he has some anxiety at times which I think can cause him to act out a bit. I think he is somehow so uncomfortable with her or how he feels about her that he is acting out.

And his mate lets him do that to his wife? Weird.
Surly you know how he flirts? Did he tease you like that when you first met? Most men have one flirting style and stick with it for life.

You're not going to get many positive responses here. Personally, old school friends ribbing each other - no problem. Maybe he doesn't know what else to say to her and feels awkward.

You'll never know unless you make an issue of it (which won't end well).

@GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf A bit perhaps, but then we met online and our relationship had a definitive trajectory. She isn't available to him and I doubt he would be her type.

You may be right! Hopefully!

Why does he treat her so nastily and why do neither you nor her husband step in?

I think the key thing here is that they've been friends since they were teens. It sounds like he falls back into an "awkward teen" dynamic. For this reason I'd be a lot less concerned about this than if it was a woman he'd met recently.

He just sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant man to be honest.

And what’s with him disliking her not choosing to drink alcohol?

@Arlanymor I think they take it as a joke and for her she's kind of a bit unreadable, she doesn't seem upset by it especially, she treats him like a minor annoyance.

A minor annoyance is upsetting though - not massive, but it's someone impacting your life negatively. Hence why it's an annoyance.

he will say how he doesn't like it when she is there because she doesn't drink.

And relentless teasing.

Your husband is being a big fucking asshole to this woman. This is not the behaviour of a friend. This reaches bullying and harassment and trying to coerce her into drinking alcohol. No wonder she's fucking quiet.

It may be him trying to goad her or challenge her because he has a crush, it's inappropriate behaviour, and it's making you uncomfortable and it needs to stop.

Either she or her partner will get sick of it at some point. I would have ripped him a new one the first time he said one fucking word about not drinking alcohol. That's her choice.

I think you should talk to him about his bullying behaviour and it really needs to stop.

It sounds as though he is pretty obsessed with her if she is always the focus of his attention when they are in the same room . That is not normal behaviour even if they have known each other for a long time.
I would assume her quietness and her unavailability turns him on.

From what you've said I think he has got feelings for her and he's struggling to deal with it. That's not your problem though, I would tell him you've noticed him behaving differently when he's around her and get
it out in the open.

Thanks everyone I'll have a talk with him and hopefully get him to put a tin lid on his behaviour around her.

Or just don’t see them anymore. I know it sounds a bit nuclear but I would not be able to bear my partner having a crush on another woman. He gives her negative attention, but it’s negative attention all the same. Suprised she hasn’t told him to F off, unless she secretly likes the attention.

Does he have a drink problem? I would be the last person to suggest this usually as I drink more than average, and way more than the ‘one glass of sherry at Christmas’ which is the mumsnet norm. It sounds like the problem is him and his insecurities. Unless it’s a running joke in the group, but I imagine she’s a bit tired of this now!

@goodThingGonewrong We don't see them in particular that often or I don't I think he might see her when dropping in on his friend more often. I don't think big scenes are her style, I've never hear her swear. I don't think she likes him or the attention I mean its possible they have history back as teenagers but I'm also don't think so. I'm not thrilled about it but I don't think she's interested so no direct threat.

@Everlil He doesn't have a drink problem, he can get pissed now and then but so can I! He is insecure.

Nah. I’m not getting flirtatious vibes from this - if he’s known her since teenagers then it’s more than likely a dynamic they’ve always had.

What is he insecure about with her though if he has known her for a while?

Guessing your relationship generally with your husband is in the pits?

I think you probably know why she's quiet in your company, she probably isn't fond of seeing your hubby.