End of a relationship 2 weeks before marrying

[supercali77]

Im so so lost this morning. We were together 6 years. Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it) but decided to marry for ourselves. Hes always had issues with any major life change. More argumentative, quick to escalate into a terrible temper. Has threatened the relationship before.

A couple of weeks back I'd got irritable over text about a communication issue. Something and nothing. It escalated out of the blue and he went mental in a voiceclip, which I've seen before, I really don't like it, so I left the chat. While I was gone and calming down he issued an ultimatum. Come back and talk or that's it. Its over. By the time I went back 15 minutes later to reply. He'd blocked me. I mean, everywhere. I was devastated. Totally shocked. Accepted it was over. Told one of my witnesses, started deciding how to cancel things.

He emailed me late the next day and said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. I asked for time. After a week, i agreed we could try to get back on track. Maybe just pre wedding nerves? Fucking stupid of me. So stupid. I should have seen it coming...

Yesterday. In a conversation about where things go wrong during a conflict between us, he said i needed to 'own my feelings'. And I said..then surely the same goes for you. You cant expect me to own my feelings but your reactions are 'caused' by me angering you. That triggered an explosion. He called me a f*king twisted bitch. I felt like id been punched in the stomach and i hung up. He sent several texts saying he thought this was done. Obvioisly I dont care about his feelings. I said yes i think so. And hes blocked me everywhere. Blocked my bloody daughter 🤦‍♀️ for God's sake. I would never block his daughter, who does that?

Its a mess and obviously over. I feel sick, I feel stupid for going back to it and trying to paper over it. Mainly, I'm spinning. We speak every day. See each other round the kids. Getting married in 2 weeks. And that's it. He's just....gone

I think you need to be thankful that you haven't married this man. He clearly has a bad temper, anger issues and isn't able to deal with conflict in a healthy manner. Blaming you for his loss of temper is ridiculous. As a grown adult, he's in charge of his emotions, not you. You aren't responsible for how he behaves, that's solely on him.

The relationship is unhealthy, toxic and utterly bloody miserable. Hopefully you aren't tied to him financially? By the sounds of it, you don't live together, so don't have property to sort out. Cancel the wedding. If you lose money, then so be it; it's a nuisance but better than staying in a toxic relationship, that's likely to end in divorce at some point.

Tbh it's him who is losing the money, he organised it and it was a registry office and small so its not too much....i did other organising which ill need to cancel. I'm not worried about that side of things.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape op. Sending hugs x

totally agree....

You said in your first post "he's gone"... well he's gone because YOU stood up to him. You questioned his behaviour and told him it wasn't reasonable (and you were quite right)

Instead of considering this.. his nuclear reaction is to one minute block you on everything and shortly after renew his intentions to marry.

You are not going to give yourself a pat on the back, but I will. You have said no to this awful behaviour before its too late, before you have to go on with this up and down drama which seems to be easy for him to fall into, but devastating for him.

He seems to be addicted to turmoil... and his actions are intentionally hurtful, leaving you wondering if the wedding is cancelled or not ffs. Publically wounding.

This is not a person who will treat you or your DD well - he even took his "vengence" for you trying to talk to him about his behaviour out on your DD. He's not going to listen and he's not going to learn... and will just hurl back recriminations at you, which have you looking closely at your behaviour wondering what you did wrong... I do think that he sounds completely unbalanced and what you have done is save you and your DD from further suffering, hard though it may be for you at the moment.

I think another pp said see your friends, see your family, go out and have some fun with your DD and know that you did the right thing.

Well someone up there loves you because they have prevented you making the MONUMENTAL mistake of marrying this abusive loser. It feels shit now. Soon it won't and you will hug yourself with gratitude that you did not marry him and are free from him. 💐

This one was single when you met him for a reason. Make him someone else's problem.

You've had a lucky escape. A man with a temper is a dangerous thing. In fact, there isn't much in the world that's more dangerous.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thank you. Yes. It occur3d to me, as I was challenging his narrative that this might cause an issue. I thought...you've already 'broken up with me' once before. If I'm going into this marriage I'm not doing it by agreeing to your version of things and discarding my own. So...i can see I made the choice.

Do not go back to him.
Never.

You will survive this. Sending hugs xx

Just adding my voice to the chorus telling you you've dodged a bullet. He sounds like a prick. One day you'll be relieved you didn't marry him.

This is correct. This man was straight up abusive. Cancel everything and put the cost down to the good luck that he acted out so badly you were forced to end it. Imagine him turning this behavior on your children and his children in the fiture? And you crushed between his unyielding wrath and their distress?

Get into therapy to process the loss snd gain from the breakup. You are actually extremely lucky he took a second chance to shit on you and made the marriage impossible. Otherwise he would be ramping up the abuse from now until kingdom come.

He's saved you, from a miserable marriage. Don't get married to this man, please don't. He's an abuser and my goodness you deserve so much better.

I promise you when the confusion and the hurt starts to wane, which it will do, you will feel peace - it's absolutely the best feeling in the world after getting away from men like this. Sending a big hug.

I am definitely not marrying him. Or going back there. Im going to find therapy I can afford. I'm just trying to get through the day and night at the moment. I know what he did was wrong...the problem with toxic relationships seems to be there are extreme lows but also extreme highs.....this extreme highs create some kind of dopamine addiction. I didnt realise that's where this would go but here it is. I look back on the great times and feel absolutely gutted. I know there's nothing for it now but to keep going. I'm a solo parent, no co parent to help, and good bevause he's also awful. But my god. It is hard. I'm supposed to be working today and I feel sick and exhausted so not doing my best day. I'm self employed as well so can't even throw a sickie.

I think he will definitely be back. You need to steel yourself not to get dragged back into it. Definitely don't marry him!

Go and have a little break away with your child have fun and love yourself

It's hard getting through the working day, at a time like this, especially if self employed but I think distraction is your friend... make sure you take time to get outside and walk, even if its just for 15 minutes, and put a funny podcast or whatever in your ears... so that at least you can carry on with your tasks...

Forget cooking, have a takeaway with your DD tonight and again distraction, like a film you would both enjoy and a nice bath early bed. Focus on the little things and give yourself time to think about the big things tomorrow or the next day. You probably have a lot of things to cancel.. do you have a friend/family member who could help? Have a little book and write down as you think of it and put the book away until you have a time slot to act on it. Wishing you and your DD all the very best.

I've been in a brief abusive relationship, just 6 months it took to be pinned up against the wall by my neck by him, face full of rage. I was surprised that I got drawn in by him as I always thought myself to be strong, no nonsense, was a real eye opener after. One of my dearest oldest friends was married for 10 years to an abuser. On one of the occasions the police were called, the kind police lady took my friend aside and said being in a relationship like this is addictive. She told my friend that she was 'addicted to the drama'. While it was really clumsy and a little crass, it hit home with my friend and she finally had the courage to throw him out. She never looked back, she really didn't and is now married to someone else she met a few years later and it's just gorgeous to see them so happy together.

So when you say about the highs and lows, that's exactly it, the drama. Find all thoughts are with them, can't function so well because of it and when in these kinds of relationships we kind of lose all sense of self. I really do promise you that with time away, time to process what's happened, time to heal, see it for what it is, that drama goes. You really will feel a sense of relief and peace that you got away and life is much calmer for it. Sending massive hugs.

OP ,I have read all your replies and from what I can gather,your ex likes to sabotage everything that is going well. The dopamine addiction I recognise fron a couple of past relationships.
Do you think he may have borderline personality disorder?

I'm sorry OP, this must be really hard for you. But I agree with PPs, you've dodged a bullet and thank goodness this happened before you were married so you don't have to go through divorce etc, and it is a relief you weren't living together so you don't have to move, especially whilst you're grieving for the relationship.

Hopefully, once you've got used to the change, you'll be able to look back objectively and see what a lucky escape you've had. Imagine if your friend or daughter had been about to marry this man, think of how you'd advise them.

Even if it is for the best (and it sounds like it is as he sounds very volatile and who knows how his behaviour could escalate in future), I appreciate it still really hurts right now. Hope you've got some good support around you to help get you through it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5515262-continuing-an-aibu

not sure if you’ve seen this but this woman is in a situation with some similarities.

Stay strong op. This will never get better. Only worse. You are fantastic.

The very fact the kids hated blending families when he moved in was surely just the end of this shit show of a relationship?

You ignored the red flags for 6 years. This man is a violent and dangerous man and is like a time bomb. Make sure it stays ended for good or else that punch you felt to the gut will be real. He is a misogynistic, controlling, violent and abusive walking red flag. Block him and erase him from your life and consider this a bullet you have dodged. You now need to work on yourself and ask why you stayed in a relationship and then agreed to marry a very volatile man. He needs serious therapy and help. And you can't give him that. You are not his punching bag.

You dodged a bullet. Better not to get married than to regret it and have to go through the divorce. My #2 mistake had the anger management control of a two year old and anything that angered him was turned on me. Saying all the nice things when everything was going his way did not make up for the daily crap of his temper…I often wondered if they used his calls to call centres as training aids. After shouting at them, he’d turn on me 🤣

You will feel the pull to him for a long time. He is in your head and it takes a long time to get him out, but you must.
You will start to remember the good times and forget just how bad the bad times were. If he says enough , you might be drawn back in.
It won’t be long till you realise why it should be over.

Grieve, that’s normal, but try to overlay the memories with new ones. Bit by bit, bury him in the depths of memory .

You deserve better

Children can be a good guide to what is right. My grandson loathed my H. So did the dogs.
They were all better judges than I. Your kids weren’t happy with him. Take that on board. They often have good instincts about people…especially since the sweetness side would be more directed at you to keep you so he could abuse you with his temper.

Oh my god, you've finally despite your own best efforts, managed to dodge a bullet.

Please, for goodness sake, do not entertain any contact with him again. There's something seriously wrong with him..he sounds like a walking time bomb..

You're so lucky your kids had it right and didn't want to live with him..it would be so much more dangerous to be trying to get him out of a shared house.

You need to do the work now to explore why you were willing to tolerate this for so long so you never put yourself through this again.

If he does unblock you and try to drag you back - and he will - remember your daughter. Don't get sucked back in. Your daughter needs stability, not a mother dragged in by a volatile and scary manipulative man. He is too dangerous. He needs help. He needs more help than you can give him, and your daughter deserves more than seeing her mum being used as a verbal (or worse; physical, verbal abuse usually escalates once they get you trapped, ie married) punching bag. And you deserve so much better. Block him back on every thing you can; your phone, facebook, twitter, instagram, whatsapp, email, you name it.