End of a relationship 2 weeks before marrying

[supercali77]

Im so so lost this morning. We were together 6 years. Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it) but decided to marry for ourselves. Hes always had issues with any major life change. More argumentative, quick to escalate into a terrible temper. Has threatened the relationship before.

A couple of weeks back I'd got irritable over text about a communication issue. Something and nothing. It escalated out of the blue and he went mental in a voiceclip, which I've seen before, I really don't like it, so I left the chat. While I was gone and calming down he issued an ultimatum. Come back and talk or that's it. Its over. By the time I went back 15 minutes later to reply. He'd blocked me. I mean, everywhere. I was devastated. Totally shocked. Accepted it was over. Told one of my witnesses, started deciding how to cancel things.

He emailed me late the next day and said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. I asked for time. After a week, i agreed we could try to get back on track. Maybe just pre wedding nerves? Fucking stupid of me. So stupid. I should have seen it coming...

Yesterday. In a conversation about where things go wrong during a conflict between us, he said i needed to 'own my feelings'. And I said..then surely the same goes for you. You cant expect me to own my feelings but your reactions are 'caused' by me angering you. That triggered an explosion. He called me a f*king twisted bitch. I felt like id been punched in the stomach and i hung up. He sent several texts saying he thought this was done. Obvioisly I dont care about his feelings. I said yes i think so. And hes blocked me everywhere. Blocked my bloody daughter 🤦‍♀️ for God's sake. I would never block his daughter, who does that?

Its a mess and obviously over. I feel sick, I feel stupid for going back to it and trying to paper over it. Mainly, I'm spinning. We speak every day. See each other round the kids. Getting married in 2 weeks. And that's it. He's just....gone

I understand your sadness, especially so close to the wedding.
But stop and think. He isn’t showing you respects and doesn’t sound kind. And that’s not the type of man you want in your life or to be married too. Once married I fear he would treat you worse . You deserve better. I hope you feel relief soon and realise what a lucky escape you’ve had.

Break the cycle.
You are lovable - your daughter loves you.
You just keep getting yourself into relationships with abusers because it’s what you grew up with.
If you break the cycle now, you do so for your daughter.
If you marry this man, and she’s witnessed these huge highs and lows, that is also her future.
Also, she would see that you get married, live in separate houses where the husband abuses the wife. What type of model is that for her?
Getting married can be an anxious time in terms of organising an event, but it should not be about abuse and game playing.
If you stay, you and your daughter are trapped in this. She will soak it all in.
You sound like a brilliant mum - choose the person you love, your daughter - and build a calm future for her with just the two of you.

You need to block him never mind him blocking you. You need to block him and his daughters and every possible means of contact that you can imagine. He will worm his way back in through.
Because he will

But you did go back. It sounds like you’ve gone back several times.

You have no strong stable roots because of your dm, hence you repeat the same behaviour. Your dd currently also has no strong stable roots and will repeat the same behaviour in due course.

Is the freedom programme free? She needs it too.

Have a look at the Freedom programme. Given your experiences as a child and in adult relationships it could really help you identify what an abusive relationship looks like and what a healthy relationship looks like.

OP

The end of a relationship can feel very sad regardless of how abusive it was leading up to its demise.

It is not your fault these men have treated you so badly and you did not make them that way.

You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and these were internalised in you. It is no coincidence that you have gone onto have abusive relationships too, it's a continuation of what you already know.

You will come to realise that this man was abusive too; albeit of a different stripe but abusive all the same. Marrying him would have been a disaster to you and your DC and would certainly have ended in divorce. He targeted you as a single mother to abuse you because in their head you women are so desperate for male company that you would put up with any old shit, This man like all abusers hate women, ALL of them.

Men like this can and do damage boundaries and your boundaries, already weakened by poor life experience and previous abuse, have been further got at by this man now, I would urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and not enter into another relationship until such time as your boundaries are a lot healthier than current levels. Your children will also thank you for doing this. They as well as you need to learn the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none . You are also not some rehab centre for some badly raised man.

Do also read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and read the Womens Aid website. You can get copies of Lundy Bancroft's book online as a pdf and the WA website is free. I would also consider contacting BACP as they offer counselling on a sliding scale of fees.

OP im so sorry this has happened but this is a turning point in your life. Your shark cage has some bars missing, and the only way to heal that is time away from any kind of partner. And I dont mean 'its been a year I think i want to start dating again/ I miss companionship' I mean time where you restore yourself, where you build yourself into a new person who is able to go 'that isnt acceptable, off you fuck' at the first sign of this kind of unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. That can take years, and you might feel ready to date before then, but you need to get to that place, be happy and strong in yourself, and stay there for a good bit too before thinking of letting anyone into your life who is simply not worthy of you. He is not worthy, a good man would NEVER speak to a partner that way, even under duress, and those words are just the light bulb you need to know for sure that he is simply not worthy of your kindness or forgiveness. Dont listen to any outside noise or opinions from anyone who just wants you to put up and shut up, you lived without him in your life before and will do so again. You will never regret walking away from a man like this.

Thank God you aren't going to marry him.

As the Americans say, the trash took itself out. Can you imagine the life that would have been?

Honestly I am thinking he will unblock you and want you back. It may take days / could be bfore your wedding / might be after that date. If your not going to take him back start cancelling everything wedding related. But be prepared that he will try to get back with you.

Whenever ive gone thru awful heartbreak, crying it out (at night) helped get through the day, as I have children, id tell myself not to cry but once they are in bed I can cry all night. It does help and eventually the tears dry up and you can think more clearly.
Also spoil yourself during this time. Treat yourself / cook your favorite dinner / dessert / box of chocs / you name it.
Don't read his old texts or look at his photos as this will take it longer to get over.

Gone? Sounds like the best thing that could happen. Once you get over the initial pain you'll feel a huge sense of relief.

No no no. You are both lovable and worthy of respect. An interaction with another person does not define you.

It's good it's over. His anger issues might have escalated to violence. I wonder if there's a link between his temper and his dd's mental illness.

How utterly horrid of him! The other posters are absolutely right - you have dodged a bullet and a nasty one at that.
I know that you are hurting right now and feeling all kinds of negative feelings but this too shall pass. You are not responsible for how he has chosen to treat you. Even if he was unhappy about things or disagreed with you, NOTHING gives him the right to be aggressive and nasty. NOTHING.
And that’s the most important thing to remember. He has behaved appallingly, like a petulant child rather than an adult.
Take time to grieve the relationship, but he has taken up enough of your time, energy, feelings, headspace etc. No amount of good times can offset this mean, belittling and controlling behaviour.
Thank goodness you can have nothing more to do with this vile
specimen.
Deep breath - you’ve got this!

You are worth more than a lifetime of this abuse.

Your daughter is worth more than a childhood exposed to this abuse.

It’s understandable to grieve for the life and partnership you hoped for , but that was never going to happen with this man.

You’ve escaped. Cancelling wedding arrangements may cost, but it’s the price of freedom. You need to block him everywhere, before he realises that you are not going to come crawling and begging - there’s a danger that he’ll keep repeating this pattern to punish you .

His daughter’s mental health issues are not an excuse for him to abuse you - his actions may well be a contributing factor to her difficulties.

Abuse also is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it's about power and control. He wanted and still wants absolute over you and your DC here.

I can well imagine this man is all sweetness and light around other people in the outside world. Many abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges and this man has a quick temper; itself a red flag.

You are easy prey for more abusers to get their claws into so please do not enter into yet another relationship until your boundaries are a lot healthier than they are currently. You will need to put the emotional work in yourself to break the cycle that your DC have seen. What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?. They need to learn as well that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

And indeed you are both loveable and certainly worthy of respect and being respected.

In the abusers head, it's always someone else's fault and never their own.

I would also expect him to come crawling back to you with promises of change/he will get therapy etc and if that happens you must send him packing back to the pit from whence he came.

The term 'twisted bitch' keeps coming back to me

A leopard does not changes his spots. Looks like you have found out just in time. One to step away from I think...

@supercali77 ‘f’ing twisted bitch’ eh? Well , you know an accusation like that is also a confession? He’s the very twisted one and I’m so pleased for you that you didn’t marry him. Grieve the man you thought/hoped he was, and concentrate on you and your dd instead 💐

Thank God you won't be going back to him. Massive well done OP, he is an abusive arsehole. Personally I think he was trying to train you to accept his outbursts and take the blame for them. This would have escalated. Basically "look what you made me do".

Massive bullet dodged. Xx I know it is absolutley heart wrenching for you at the moment OP. But I am actually happy for you and your daughter that you can escape this without the complications of divorce and living arrangements. You are a good Mum recognising that your daughter is being affected and not going back again. Sending massive love to you both.

Yes, he'll come crawling back. Trying to charm you. Please be strong and don't give in this time. If you start to feel unsafe, please log it with police.

Your poor children being caught up in the middle of this. End this relationship cease contact with this man and never look back.

You need intense therapy to work through your issues and you need to stay single for a long time.

I think you need to spend a long time without having a relationship. You really have to work out why you were so desperate to marry a man that was abusive but more importantly you were willing to marry a man that your child didn't like living with. It is more than fine to be single. Being in a relationship is not compulsory.

Thanks for everyone's kind and thoughtful comments. So ironically. After my dds dad, who was emotionally and financially abusive. I spent 3 years working myself out. I dated. I didn't accept shitty behaviour and ended things. I thought this was a good one. It looked like it, he was calm, measured, proportional. I took it slow. Didnt intepduce the kids till after a year. I did everything 'right' . It started to change..maybe...2 years ago? If i think on it. I was less available. My dd stayed with me more. Now she's with me full time. I was just not able to give him undivided attention ever...maybe that triggered the change? Genuinely don't know. But it crept up, i could explain it away. I'd vetted this man at the start so much....

Ill look yo the freedom programme today though I have no interest whatsoever in a relationship again. I dont trust myself. The cost is too high

You have had a lucky last minute escape. I think the fact your kids didn’t want to live with this abusive twat should have been an early sign. This relationship sounds like it’s never been healthy. Focus on your lovely children and look to your new future.