Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

@PithyBeaker The way he is treating you now underscores how right you are in getting him (and his offspring) OUT of your home.

Those things he said to you about being alone with money and no family - wow, what a tosser!! Nice people would ask if there was anything they could do to make the living arrangement work as is, and if not would give the relationship a go living apart. They would not say the things he said. I'm so sorry he's turned out to be like this. You really did not deserve that at all

Hello @PithyBeaker and thank you for starting a new thread.

Has he actually gone? Taken all his stuff and his DC stuff?

For someone who’s happy to leave and will easily find a new woman there are lots of words and running you down coming out of his mouth.

Has he left or is he just trying to tear you down so you’ll have no confidence left to leave him?

i hope you’re ok @PithyBeaker he is stepping up his game, he is trying to make out you will end up alone to trigger a reaction. He will continue to dig at your character until he leaves because he wants you to feel guilty for putting you and your son first. He wants you to put him and his children first because you are meant to pander to him and his.

Well done, OP! Just stay strong now and trust your instincts.

I hope you're alright OP?

Ignore all the nasty things he's saying, he's just proving that you've made the right decision.

Wasn't he all about the money when you bought the house on your own? Didn't he suggest he was loosing out?

He's projecting again... he doesn't like the idea he will have to look after his own kids in his flat. He wants to keep you where you are.

I'm sorry my last post upset you and I didn't mean to, so I hope you don't mind me checking in on this thread.
It's very hard to cope with a break up when the other person is deliberately trying to make you feel guilty, and you're an empathetic person. But that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

Thinking of you 💐

Dw def not holding it against you. I am currently holding open the door to the staircase to his flat while he carries stuff upstairs. Been a long day.

Im not great tbh but thank you all for your constant support today. Not lying to say I couldn’t have done it without you all.

When you get home tonight eat your favourite food even if you don’t feel hungry just a little and drink your favourite drink be that a cup of tea or tequila shots.

If you live a bath have a deep hot soak or if you it a hot steamy shower wash your hair.

The only other thing but at this time of night would feel like effort would be fresh clean bedding.

Then you’d be all clean and fresh and full. Good for the body and the mind.

Basic stuff but at times of hurt and distress easily forgotten.

Can anyone link to the previous thread please? A search doesn't bring anything up.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5513388-aibu-to-think-blended-family-life-is-draining-us-all?page=1

Well done OP💗

The day that my ex-husband left our home (to move to his new house which our joint earnings had paid for but which I had to make the actual bank transfer to buy because he didn't know how) I took the kids out for the morning whilst he took his stuff, and I had prearranged for a brand new mattress to be delivered in the afternoon, and had brand new linen sheets and duvet cover and duvet and pillows stashed in a cupboard.

When we came home the nice delivery men took my old mattress down the stairs for me, and out the new one on, and I made my bed, with colourful bedding that he hadn't wanted, and added cushions, and a throw, that he hadn't wanted. And when the kids had gone to bed I just got into that bed, and felt peaceful for the first time in ages.

So yes, if you have the energy, change your sheets, and spray lavender on them, and know that you will never again have to share it with someone who doesn't value you more than what you do for him

@PithyBeaker This made me remember my parents divorce. My dad's narrative (that I sort of believed in at the time) was that they were divorcing because my mum "just cares about money".

In reality he gambled up his salary while my mum paid rent and fed us with hers. So who was the one only caring about the money? It makes me so angry when I hear that phrase. And it's always from someone wanting to take advantage of someone else. Oh, he also used up my savings that my gp had put in an account* *for me. When I confronted him I "only cared about money" as well. I was 13.

You are doing great OP. He's showing his true colours. I wish my mum had had access to MN at the time- she was so lonely.. hope you feel stronger with all support you're getting here OP- I love it when women support each other. We are so much stronger together.

Well done OP. I am very proud of you for being strong today. I am sure it feels terrible, but you’ll probably surprise yourself with how much better you feel much quicker than you’d think today. He might have brought you some things, but he’s taken more away and you’ll really start noticing how calm and manageable your life is now. You are totally capable of doing everything you need to do for you and your son without him, your son is going to be so grateful. I hope you have a peaceful evening and your son has a wonderful birthday party.

He’s not very nice, is he?

Little digs about being young enough to find someone else.

His poorly parented children would be have been very very difficult as teens. He may be charming and handsome now, but no woman in her right mind would take on that chaos.

Your relationship with your son will be better for this as well, now he can have a calm house for his own teen issues and for study. This is the relationship that matters the most.

Well done OP.
Of course this is brutal.
Please sit with it.
It will be painful.
But as you give yourself time to settle back into a new peaceful routine, I think you will find yourself.
You were treading water with him, no more.

He is very dependent on his looks and wanting a woman to do it all.

3 teens is a lot to take on.
I absolutely think he will be back to you wanting to fix this.

Why?
Because it will be easier than finding a new situation.
I'm sorry but that is the truth.
Fooling someone takes time.

The teenage years are tough even when you adore your children, even more so with SEN.

He will have a hard think and he will be back on to you because he thinks he can get around you.

We are here for you.
Stay close and strong.

Men who live off others often try to play the card of women being money mad.....all the while when someone else is doing the hard work and dirty business of paying for the home they live it.

Money is such a dirty word when others carry the burden of paying it🙄.

I have quite a few single friends in their late 50's, early 60's that are financially very secure.
You would be amazed at the stories of these guys that are so handsome and charming, having never saved a penny, looking to land on their feet and find a nurse with a purse.

They are extremely charming, supportive, caring and the perfect partner, but are so clearly compensating for never making any provision for themselves.

Lots of children, Ex's they gave everything to, stories where they were so gallant and handed over all assets, sometimes multiple times, never saved a penny from well paying carrers and are now so determined to marry well.

My local clubs, tennis, golf and sailing have several. I have a few very well connected friends with long memories that fill me in.

These guys are always so charming to newer members of a certain age and have been for the last decade.
Funny how the relationships flounder after a year...when the women invariably wake up.

@PithyBeaker

I know you don't feel it right now, but you are doing great!! Holding the door to his flat so he can take stuff in? Go YOU! I don't think you realize how much strength that shows.

Tonight may be difficult if he's going to be elsewhere. That first night always is, even if we want it, even if we know it's right. But remember that tomorrow is the first day of your NEW life. So feel free to shed tears tonight, it will do you good. Just remember that 'Weeping endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning'.

You've got this, you really do.

You will be sad OP, because its the end of something that you thought would be good, but turned sour.
Its natural to be sad, you wouldnt be human if you were not.
Thats not to say its not the right thing to do, because his disrespect and taking you for granted was making you sadder, day by day. At least now you have a chance to be happy, which was something you gave your best shot IN the relationship, but it wasnt working for you.
Now you can dedicate your time and energy to yourself and your son, in making the two of you happy, and although Im sure you will miss some things, I think you will in retrospect be happier when you get past the initial sadness.

Wonderful to see he has gone. Phew! I was worried he was all talk and wouldn't go. That is a massive step forward. Tomorrow CHANGE THOSE LOCKS. key returned to you doesn't mean he doesn't have another. You must secure your property now.
What a day. He may have lots of nice attributes but you have absolutely done the right thing. He would have bled you dry and not given it a second thought.
Think of the peaceful, clean home you are going to have. There is nothing to say you guys can't date or be friends in the future. Just totally separate finances and not taking on his kids.
You protect you and yours. He doesn't have your back in the way you had his.
Mammoth step forward today. Thanks for updating. And change the locks..xxxx