End of a relationship 2 weeks before marrying

[supercali77]

Im so so lost this morning. We were together 6 years. Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it) but decided to marry for ourselves. Hes always had issues with any major life change. More argumentative, quick to escalate into a terrible temper. Has threatened the relationship before.

A couple of weeks back I'd got irritable over text about a communication issue. Something and nothing. It escalated out of the blue and he went mental in a voiceclip, which I've seen before, I really don't like it, so I left the chat. While I was gone and calming down he issued an ultimatum. Come back and talk or that's it. Its over. By the time I went back 15 minutes later to reply. He'd blocked me. I mean, everywhere. I was devastated. Totally shocked. Accepted it was over. Told one of my witnesses, started deciding how to cancel things.

He emailed me late the next day and said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. I asked for time. After a week, i agreed we could try to get back on track. Maybe just pre wedding nerves? Fucking stupid of me. So stupid. I should have seen it coming...

Yesterday. In a conversation about where things go wrong during a conflict between us, he said i needed to 'own my feelings'. And I said..then surely the same goes for you. You cant expect me to own my feelings but your reactions are 'caused' by me angering you. That triggered an explosion. He called me a f*king twisted bitch. I felt like id been punched in the stomach and i hung up. He sent several texts saying he thought this was done. Obvioisly I dont care about his feelings. I said yes i think so. And hes blocked me everywhere. Blocked my bloody daughter 🤦‍♀️ for God's sake. I would never block his daughter, who does that?

Its a mess and obviously over. I feel sick, I feel stupid for going back to it and trying to paper over it. Mainly, I'm spinning. We speak every day. See each other round the kids. Getting married in 2 weeks. And that's it. He's just....gone

Well done OP. Things can go wrong in what appeared to be a good relationship. Don't beat yourself up, but reach back to that place that helped you last time.

Get out. Stay out.

He'll be back begging. He'll blame you. He'll want to negotiate. Don't entertain it.

it was more his daughter became mentally very unwel

aa a result of moving in?

@Oddgain no, we never moved in. We were looking at places. Told the kids all that. His daughter went downhill at the same time. I won't go into details but the timing meant that it wasn't right to disrupt her stability and try to blend

No, you’ve picked some wrong blokes and not dumped them quickly enough. That’s what you need to focus on. I’m the type of woman who would have said ‘ I’m done’ the first time a bloke blew up at me like that. That’s it - the first time. I had it drummed into me ( by DF) that men like that are dangerous and that if I put up with one my life would be bad). It’s a lesson other women end up learning later on unfortunately- but the faster you learn it, the better. Do not go back to him if he tries to reel you back in.

Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it)

I read that to mean you did live together but it went very badly for both kids

It takes at least two years to fully know someone your in a relationship with and his personality change wasn’t about the move or getting cold feet or anything you’ve done. He plays mind games and enjoys grinding woman down to dust. He is showing you who he really is and as for the Ex seeming amicable with him, she most likely is putting on an act so he doesn’t get angry and her DD gets caught in the crossfire.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say his DD’s mental health is due to him and his mind games. Don’t let him come back and do the same to you and your DD.

Please put yourself and your kids first and foremost, it’s not saying you can’t have relationships but keep them outside of your house and don’t involve your dc, break the cycle and let your dc see you as a strong independent woman. You deserve better than that man

@Oddgain sorry i can see how it read like that. His dd took against the idea along with a load of other stuff she was dealing with in school etc.

No! You’re not unlovable! You’re the victim of coercive control which will leave you feeling like rubbish. GP booking ask for help getting over the shock of it. You need some support. It’ll be ok. You’ll come through this. You really don’t need this loser.

He mask has slipped thankfully before the wedding. This angry explosive man is the man who he really is. The one you agreed to marry was just an act.

Op you have made the right decision he sounds a total nightmare. Marriage would have been a very bad idea.
You do not him in your life and it would have miserable, have a break from relationships and try and put him out of your mind and block him on social media if not already done so.

This post nails it 👏🏻

In fact, block him first

Yeah, he acrually has quite a significant thing of my dds at his house he was fixing for her. I was wanting it back but honestly now it's better to ditch it and sort it another way so I can block all contact. He will come back, if only to try to get things transfered over from houses but he can also just leave things at my door if he wants to drop them. Or contact one of my freinds.

I left a lot of things at my ex’s house
it was worth the loss to not have to see or contact him again

“He called me a f*king twisted bitch”

This alone should reassure you that you have had a lucky escape. He would only get worse over time, not better.

I got pregnant in 1969,you got married,end of. He seemed very quiet caring kind. If we had a row he cried. I thought he was such a sensitive soul. He wanted to get married straight away even before I got pregnant. I thought it was a sign of how much he loved me. He literally changed overnight. I was very ill whilst pregnant...he ignored me! We had to move to north London with his job. Gradually he isolated me,co erosive control, money, everything. Violence. I lived in a battered wives refuge for a while,it was awful. Police weren't interested in domestics then.. the only thing I was allowed to do was go out to work, nursing,that was my saviour. Fast forward,he fessed up,he was gay and married me as a responsible front for his middle class family.

@Nannyfannybanny oh jesus I'm so sorry you went through that 💐

That's a great post.

@supercali77 you've done well to escape this relationship, so continue to be strong when he tries to inveigle his way back into it.

I have to say that I'm not surprised that his poor daughter has mental health issues, if she had to live with his moods and his anger.

You and your daughter have had a very lucky escape. Stay strong. You deserve better.

That's his inadequacy talking and his being hypocritical by describing you like that while behaving like it himself. Now just block HIM (never mind whether or not he blocks/unblocks you). Keep him blocked, and move on in your life. You have definitely had a lucky escape from an awful future. Don't give him another thought. Go out and "celebrate" with your DD. 🍷

If you go back now you will be posting the same sort of story in three months time, in six months time, in a years time.

You come from dysfunctional stock, you say you haven’t had good relationship role models and have been in abusive relationships before. So it is up to you to break the cycle and recognise the danger signals.

Think if this what you want your vulnerable DD to inherit? She is just starting out on her relationship journey, so you need to teach her by example, ie by what you do now and in the next few weeks and months :

SHOW HER

you are valuable as a human being

you deserve to be treated with kindness, generosity of spirit, and support

name calling and shouting means someone has lost the argument.

a relationship that requires you to walk on eggshells because the other person has anger issues they can’t manage is not something you need to hang on to because you think any relationship is better than no relationship

getting married is not as important as valuing your self esteem

if you can’t discuss issues face to face without flouncing or taking to SM to block the other person then you are too immature to be having a serious relationship

It’s never too early, but sometimes too late, to say enough is enough.

Good luck @supercali77

Im sorry for your suffering with this man.
My first thought on reading your post and hearing "He's just ....gone.
I thought ....thank goodness for that.
Second thoughts were he's a volatile,abusive,immature ,manipulative awful man.
You are in pain because you seem trauma bonded to him but that will pass,i hope you have support around you IRL .
When he gets back in touch (and he will) he will say what he needs to say to hoover you back ,then the cycle will repeat itself over and over until you are broken. So, let him go and live...

It's not you. It's him. Yes, have some counselling to find out why you put up with this.

You are very very well out of this OP. Please don't try to go back.

Of course you are worthy of respect and have a healthy level of self respect too which is allowing you to walk away even though you have had time and emotion invested in the relationship.
You have had a lucky escape, nobody should ever marry someone who calls them those names. You will heal and you will get over this, he will still be the same low-level shit in the future. You will miss the person you thought he was, not the person he has shown himself to be.
It will all work out in the end and you will find someone who deserves the lovely, thoughtful person you clearly are - or you will at least learn to be happy in your own skin and learn never to accept second best in anything in the future.
Good luck, be very happy.