End of a relationship 2 weeks before marrying

[supercali77]

Im so so lost this morning. We were together 6 years. Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it) but decided to marry for ourselves. Hes always had issues with any major life change. More argumentative, quick to escalate into a terrible temper. Has threatened the relationship before.

A couple of weeks back I'd got irritable over text about a communication issue. Something and nothing. It escalated out of the blue and he went mental in a voiceclip, which I've seen before, I really don't like it, so I left the chat. While I was gone and calming down he issued an ultimatum. Come back and talk or that's it. Its over. By the time I went back 15 minutes later to reply. He'd blocked me. I mean, everywhere. I was devastated. Totally shocked. Accepted it was over. Told one of my witnesses, started deciding how to cancel things.

He emailed me late the next day and said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. I asked for time. After a week, i agreed we could try to get back on track. Maybe just pre wedding nerves? Fucking stupid of me. So stupid. I should have seen it coming...

Yesterday. In a conversation about where things go wrong during a conflict between us, he said i needed to 'own my feelings'. And I said..then surely the same goes for you. You cant expect me to own my feelings but your reactions are 'caused' by me angering you. That triggered an explosion. He called me a f*king twisted bitch. I felt like id been punched in the stomach and i hung up. He sent several texts saying he thought this was done. Obvioisly I dont care about his feelings. I said yes i think so. And hes blocked me everywhere. Blocked my bloody daughter 🤦‍♀️ for God's sake. I would never block his daughter, who does that?

Its a mess and obviously over. I feel sick, I feel stupid for going back to it and trying to paper over it. Mainly, I'm spinning. We speak every day. See each other round the kids. Getting married in 2 weeks. And that's it. He's just....gone

Lucky escape

He’s a cunt

It’s sounds as though you have done everything right and you realising that this relationship isn’t working is just another thing that you have done correctly.

Just because it hasn’t ended the way you’d hoped, doesn’t mean you haven’t made the right decisions.

Fear of failure means we feel bad about quitting, even if in the long run it’s for the best.

You’ll look back and be so pleased this happened.

You sound like one of the smartest OPs I’ve read about in a while.
And it’s lovely to hear how the children have been prioritised.

The trash has taken itself out, please don’t bring it back in.

Onward and upward, OP.

Came here to say this. Consider this a massive win. For you and your daughter.

TBH I’m not sure how you saw this marriage working out…..

I know it’s hard to accept but abusive people reel us in by being ‘vulnerable’, loving, caring…they do this to capture …then they begin to show you their real selves because they thrive on the nasty parts, the superiority and dominance. An abuser is NEVER 💯 % awful…that’s what harms us as we can see and remember the good..we believe in potential and love them.
Often we are people who think love can heal. You showed him you could see his hypocrisy and he flipped because you saw the man behind the mask.

You are worth better, this behaviour is not ok for your DC to be around or to teach is acceptable.

Speak a mantra “we can’t be together because I want my daughter to expect respect and live a happy healthy life”. He slipped up and showed his true self

You are just meant to be together. Sorry you have to go through this, I'm here if you would like to chat. But don't imagine further difficulties, it is what it is.

For the hurt…remind yourself it is a dopamine bond disconnecting.

Painful but your attachment will ease and ebb day by day.

For missing the touch, hug and comfort. I highly recommend calling in hugs from friends family or booking things like massages so you can really have a safe space to offload and still your racing mind. Solidarity with other women too. When you feel desperate for (he who shall not be named)…remind yourself of his words, that his behaviours would have escalated if you accepted this. This is not a choice …you CANNOT accept this behaviour and be safe

@Tacohill thank you, that's a very kind and encouraging message.

@Drpawpawspaw honestly now...i jjst dont know what i was thinking

I'm relieved to hear you say that love is not enough to put yourself through this. You are right, its no excuse for being treated badly. Take care x

I hope you mean AREN'T just meant to be together?

Thank goodness your kids don’t have to live with this at home.
it will hurt like hell but once that passes it will be a relief for you.

OP, he sounds absolutely horrible. But you're grieving because absuive relationships mix fabulous times in with the nastiness. That's their hallmarl, that's why it's hard to get out of them, and that's why you grieve so much when it's over, even though you know they're a prize twat and that you've had a lucky escape. The push-pull is like quicksand. Of course, if abusive people were abusive all the time, leaving would be really easy!

It doesn't matter what the hell is wrong with him, what matters is that you will never truly be happy with him, due to his unstable and periodically nasty behaviour. I have no time for men who call their intimate female partners the b word, never mind "twisted b"! Whatever that means, anyway. Twisted? Did he find sick images on your computer? Have you been shagging an under-age boy? No? Then he has NO RIGHT to call you something so awful. No one deserves to be spoken to like that by their partner.

Actually, when you think about it, him calling you that is so totally over the top that it really says a lot about him, doesn't it? Shows that inside his head is a very mixed-up, disturbed mess. Also sounds like projection...he's the twisted one, for saying something so dramatically nasty for no reason.

I married a man with a nasty side. Believe me, you don't want to go there. It only really came out after marriage, and it got worse and worse and worse over the years until he'd worked himself up into such a rage against me that he walked out on me one day over nothing.

Whatever you've seen in him now, it would have become much worse after marriage.

Thank God for your lucky escape.

And don't be fooled by the good times. Their existence is all part of the landscape of abuse.

LOL, yes, that is what I meant.

Thank your lucky stars this happened before you got married. You don't need this nasty idiot around you - or your kids.

Please don’t blame yourself in anyway for his personality, he would treat any woman in a relationship with him exactly the same.

I agree with @SpryCat, you're seeing his true colours and although it's so painful, it's better that you're seeing them now than after marriage. You going to be hurting for a while @supercali77 but eventually you'll be glad to have escaped him, you deserve so much more.

Yeah. It was weird. Weird and uncanny that just 2 weeks before a marriage he pushed for...he called me something so demented. So I do kind of wonder....did he just decide to press the explode button. He could so easily have just not pressured me last week and left it there, called it off cleanly and without this much damage.

I don’t imagine any of the kids or any other guests are remotely upset that it’s all over

Agree with this

Good self esteem is vital in a relationship (and life generally)

You had a lucky escape

if you haven’t lived together, not sure you ever know anyone properly in later life

Also, OP, you did your due diligence. While it's incumbent on us not to ignore huge red flags, it's also incumbent on our partners not to trick us by pretending to be nice and then being this nasty. We can act as sensibly as we can, but we can't control that others may choose abuse.

And make no mistake, it's a choice.

It's because he's one mixed-up puppy, OP. Don't waste too much time trying to understand. If you're normal, you won't be able to understand, and it doesn't matter, anyway. What matters is the fact that he's wrong for you,

You've dodged a bullet OP. I hope you're able to rebuild things for yourself as time goes on.

No, OP, you are not unloveable nor do you deserve this treatment.

You have simply been abused, which has eroded your boundaries, which has allowed you to tolerate this horrible behaviour.

You are still in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. He has masterfully used tactics to cause you to feel this way, and your past with prior abuse has made you susceptible to this. He likely knew this and played on this purposefully.

OP, as someone who has escaped and healed from significant emotional and physical abuse, you must get away from this man. You are fortunate you didn't marry him!

Thanks everyone. Yes you're right, it's not for me to figure it out. My problem is to figure out why I kept workshopping things I wasn't ok with like it was a committee decision on whether certain lines were ok to cross.