End of a relationship 2 weeks before marrying

[supercali77]

Im so so lost this morning. We were together 6 years. Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it) but decided to marry for ourselves. Hes always had issues with any major life change. More argumentative, quick to escalate into a terrible temper. Has threatened the relationship before.

A couple of weeks back I'd got irritable over text about a communication issue. Something and nothing. It escalated out of the blue and he went mental in a voiceclip, which I've seen before, I really don't like it, so I left the chat. While I was gone and calming down he issued an ultimatum. Come back and talk or that's it. Its over. By the time I went back 15 minutes later to reply. He'd blocked me. I mean, everywhere. I was devastated. Totally shocked. Accepted it was over. Told one of my witnesses, started deciding how to cancel things.

He emailed me late the next day and said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. I asked for time. After a week, i agreed we could try to get back on track. Maybe just pre wedding nerves? Fucking stupid of me. So stupid. I should have seen it coming...

Yesterday. In a conversation about where things go wrong during a conflict between us, he said i needed to 'own my feelings'. And I said..then surely the same goes for you. You cant expect me to own my feelings but your reactions are 'caused' by me angering you. That triggered an explosion. He called me a f*king twisted bitch. I felt like id been punched in the stomach and i hung up. He sent several texts saying he thought this was done. Obvioisly I dont care about his feelings. I said yes i think so. And hes blocked me everywhere. Blocked my bloody daughter 🤦‍♀️ for God's sake. I would never block his daughter, who does that?

Its a mess and obviously over. I feel sick, I feel stupid for going back to it and trying to paper over it. Mainly, I'm spinning. We speak every day. See each other round the kids. Getting married in 2 weeks. And that's it. He's just....gone

The main question I have OP is how have you coped with 6 years of this nonsense?

Were both of you equally keen on getting married? It seems unusual to marry when you have no immediate plans to live together.

His behaviour is inexcusable, but the timing makes me wonder if he’s engineering arguments as an excuse to call off the wedding.

You don’t even like each other, I don’t know what possessed either of you to want to marry each other!

Surely if the relationship isn’t working, you don’t push for more commitment!

I guess people do though, they quickly try and get pregnant or ask them to marry them thinking that it will make the other person stay, but all it does is create extra pressure and actually make the relationship work.

Thank goodness you are smart enough to have had second thoughts and posted on here.
And it’s great that you don’t live together.

People get married because they are so in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together.
You don’t block or threaten your fiancé!

And I’m sure he does have good qualities, most people have something good about them.
But just because someone is a good person is some ways, doesn’t make you compatible with them.

Well done to you OP.

Of course you're loveable and worthy of respect, it's just that he isn't capable of doing that. He seems emotionally unstable and emotionally immature, and what he is doing to you is emotional abuse.

absolutely don’t get dragged back in.

Women in abusive relationships go back an average of 7 times. I did 3. To my eternal shame.

These guys are sick and cannot be cured.

Please stay strong for your family. Do not be tempted to get in touch to explain how you feel, or anything else. Do not respond when he reaches out..as he will, because they don’t let go. Any communication from you is a victory for them. It’s food to them. They are emotional vampires. It’s all coming back to me now….
please don’t make my mistakes.
You have one life and wasted enough on the monster .

It hurts just now, but you have dodged a major bullet. Don't go back to him for more misery, people like him don't change. See this as a turning point in your life to break the cycle. This is the first day of the rest of your life. There are loads of resources online to support you and help you make sense of it.

I know it's not the same, but I have a DB who is difficult and draining, and I've always supported him emotionally, financially and practically. However due to a disagreement he blocked me last week. I was upset at first, but I have had the most relaxed week I have had in years with no contact from him and feel uplifted for it. A sad thing to admit.

So whilst it hurts now, you will feel better with him out of your life for good.

Thank goodness you’re recognising you’ve been in an abusive relationship.

For the sake of your dc NEVER get involved with someone like this again.

This didnt come out of the blue he sounds horrible so either hes always been like this or he really didnt want to get married and felt pressured,

I am so, so sorry, but this is undoubtedly the best thing that could happen. Please be careful as I am 99.99999% sure he'll come crawling back!

Just as well he is gone. There is no way I would marry anyone with a hair trigger temper who spoke to me like that.
I expect something better for myself and my children.

It sounds like you have dodged a bullet here, he went about this in such a brutal, knee jerk reaction type way. Not surprised your head is spinning. I am intrigued by the description of him being "sensitive", from my experience people like this are typically sensitive with themselves but not especially with other peoples feelings or thoughts.

You’ve dodged a bullet. I suggest that you block him on your phone and social media, so that he isn’t able to contact you when he decides to reel you back in. Getting therapy sounds like a very good idea.

@maz210 he was never interested in marriage initially. I was but we'd had the chat and I just kind of dropped the idea. Then...i think it was about 10 months ago, he just really wanted to. I was delighted. We wanted to eventually move in together when the kids were older or moved on. It felt like a nice thing to do to show commitment and togetherness whilst living apart. I put no pressure on. He did all the booking of the place etc.

I saw someone else say there must have been red flags...there were but it was subtle. A kind of, sensitivity? A stubbornness. Things I could work with. They, expanded to become intractability and always having to be right.

Someone else said you don't like each other. It's not true. I liked him, many of his qualities. Loved him. Still do. But I know love is not enough, love at this cost is a huge betrayal of myself.

OMG Thank God it’s over. Block him everywhere and clear him out of your lives. The man is a liability on your health and happiness.

You can do better, even on your own, you need to build your self worth.
No wonder his poor daughter is mentally unwell given the dreadful father she has. Soo sad.

Given his violence from nowhere I’d put a disclosure request in to the police, it may throw something up regarding his past behaviour and help you to bolster your position if you have a wobble.
You deserve to be treated well and with respect - always - even if you disagree with each other (which is normal in a healthy relationship)

Your Daughter is 12

Please @supercali77 something needs to drastically change going forward

@Oddgain she's 12. Too young to be seeing this crap. I mentioned in another post watching my mother cry over various random men as a kid. This was my last straw. I gave him the extra chance despite it and he did it again. Im not doing this to myself or her again

She has mental health issues and neither of the children wanted to live together. This has all been so destabilising for them. You need to have nothing more to do with this man. No back and forth. No lingering. Nothing.

This thread has helped me so much today, thank you everyone. I'm grief stricken in bouts but I feel stronger.

Be grief stricken for what your 12 year old child with mental health issues has endured not the fact that this shit show of a relationship has ended

I'd say , walk and count your blessings.

@Oddgain absolutely. I'm pissed off at myself. Thought I did it all right, avoiding meeting kids too early. Not blending when it didnt feel right for his dd, probably my dd too though she was younger and more excited about a 'new house'....once I saw her wee face again after this last chance I thought. No f*ck this. I can't have it.

@Oddgain it's not my dd who has mental health issues. But either way I am prioritising her

This is the right thing, you will look back and be so glad you didn’t marry him

You did move in together though? And it went so badly that he moved out?