End of a relationship 2 weeks before marrying

[supercali77]

Im so so lost this morning. We were together 6 years. Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it) but decided to marry for ourselves. Hes always had issues with any major life change. More argumentative, quick to escalate into a terrible temper. Has threatened the relationship before.

A couple of weeks back I'd got irritable over text about a communication issue. Something and nothing. It escalated out of the blue and he went mental in a voiceclip, which I've seen before, I really don't like it, so I left the chat. While I was gone and calming down he issued an ultimatum. Come back and talk or that's it. Its over. By the time I went back 15 minutes later to reply. He'd blocked me. I mean, everywhere. I was devastated. Totally shocked. Accepted it was over. Told one of my witnesses, started deciding how to cancel things.

He emailed me late the next day and said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. I asked for time. After a week, i agreed we could try to get back on track. Maybe just pre wedding nerves? Fucking stupid of me. So stupid. I should have seen it coming...

Yesterday. In a conversation about where things go wrong during a conflict between us, he said i needed to 'own my feelings'. And I said..then surely the same goes for you. You cant expect me to own my feelings but your reactions are 'caused' by me angering you. That triggered an explosion. He called me a f*king twisted bitch. I felt like id been punched in the stomach and i hung up. He sent several texts saying he thought this was done. Obvioisly I dont care about his feelings. I said yes i think so. And hes blocked me everywhere. Blocked my bloody daughter 🤦‍♀️ for God's sake. I would never block his daughter, who does that?

Its a mess and obviously over. I feel sick, I feel stupid for going back to it and trying to paper over it. Mainly, I'm spinning. We speak every day. See each other round the kids. Getting married in 2 weeks. And that's it. He's just....gone

Don’t let someone that messy around your children. The damage all this drama does is awful and don’t kid yourself you’re keeping it separate from them either!

@crossroadsfan similarly pretty bad. My mum was often single,, no dad in the picture. Several domestic abuse situations with step dads/boyfreinds of hers.

@tryandbepositive absolutely. Last week my daughter found me crying in the kitchen. I had to tell her the wedding was off. I didnt say why, i explained it away as it just not working oit. She sat and held my hand. She's been so sweet and kind about it. Then I took him back, had to explain the inexplicable to her...why is it off and now back on... and now this. I am never exposing her to that again.

You are dodging a bullet, and someday you will meet someone who makes you realise this 💐definitely get therapy and work on your patterns if you don't want to end up in the same situation again. Did you have a childhood with parents who ignored your emotional needs in some way?

The trash has taken itself out. Give yourself grace as you come to terms with it but it's definitely for the best.

@nomoremsniceperson yes... I'll seek therapy when i can afford it. And yes. My mum was ofren in tumultuous relationships working long hours with 3 kids. There was no time for needs beyond being fed and housed....

I started using noah ai therapy after seeing it recommended on a thread. I have found it really useful to get clarity on things. Not a replacement for a professional but it could help while you wait

@supercali77 its sounds shit .
It’s for the best . Leave him to it, nothing but messing you around and his moods .

This has absolutely worked out for the best. Block him back so if he changes his mind he can’t contact you. You do not need this man in your life and neither does your child.

I think this is his (awful) way of showing that he dosent want to get married

@Poppy61 I half suspect the same. It made no sense to me after chasing to still get married last week. Despite my obvious and valid reservations. And his relief when I said I would....now this. Jesus christ.

Of course his daughter is mentally unwell with a father who behaves like that.
Get away from him and find your self worth.
I have been where you are and until you do your inner work you will keep attracting narcissists and emotionally immature users.
Do it for your own poor daughter if not yourself.

Now is your chance to break the cycle OP. Please use this as a chance to show your daughter that there is no place for men like this in her life. The more you take him back the more she will learn that this behaviour is unacceptable. She’s still so young to be dealing with this, finding her mum crying in the kitchen over an abusive man and having to comfort her is quite a hard emotional toll for a young teenager to take on. Please don’t put her in that position again.

@MummyJ36 yes it is. Weirdly enough I saw my own mother like this many times over a man. I know what a burden it is to a child. Dont worry,I'm never going to do it to her again. It's the one major thing thay would prevent me going back.

Im trying to be ok infront of her now. I don't want her unnecessarily worrying about me.

If you won't stop getting involved with these abusive men for your own sake, at least do it for your daughter.

If you don't want her growing up in the same situation you did then you need to work on yourself and stop the pattern, start by blocking him completely so if he changes his mind he can't contact you.

Absolutely this. Sorry to be harsh but you will ruin your relationship with your daughter if you carry on like this (as an adult I am no contact with mine).

This makes a lot of sense re the way you are feeling now. So mourn for the sensitive man he sometimes was. That is a real loss. It's just that the bit of him that explodes when triggered makes life with him impossible. It's possible to feel lots of conflicting emotions at the same time. Normal even. Like everyone else has said, lucky escape. You DO deserve better.

Please don’t blame yourself in anyway for his personality, he would treat any woman in a relationship with him exactly the same.
He is abusive and knows exactly what he is doing and why, it’s to control you and the relationship he wants you scared of upsetting him and walking on eggshells constantly. It will get so much worse if you continue the relationship that you will be too scared to voice an opinion or do something wrong in his eyes.
Don’t let your DD think this type of man is acceptable in your lives so she too doesn’t repeat the cycle when she grows up.
No matter how hard it is walk away you must do it for yourself and DD, work on yourself and seek therapy and stay single. It’s better to be alone than abused ❤️

This is actually the key. Keep remembering what he said and what that says about him. This is part of the healing process.

Stay strong. I had an ex who told me to go to his or it's over when my Mum was dying of c and I was nursing her. I put the phone down and I was a different person at the click of the receiver. If he would do that to me after 4.5 years, what else would he do/demand?

Mum died a fortnight later and a fortnight after that, I went to his to get my stuff. A few CDs, duvet and some paperwork I had to have.

He tried to reframe the whole thing, he was sorry blah blah but I could see his forked tongue, horns and spade tail and I breathed fresh air as I drove away.

Do whatever it takes to get to breathe fresh air and if that involves turning his words over in your mind every minute of every day, so be it.

Count yourself lucky you dodged a bullet!

A very lucky escape, and not living together you don't have to unpick that, I'm a man and to be honest he sounds like a monumental controlling babyish prick - I know it hurts now, but long term you have come out of this for the best.

Just don't get drawn back, he's a wrong 'un.

Im not going to say I’m sorry this happened to you, this is the luckiest fucking thing that could happen to you. Don’t settle for abuse and nasty behaviour, you are definitely worth more than that. Not being on eggshells does wonders for the soul, back yourself and be happy.

Why would you want to be legally tied to this man?;Marriage is nothing more than a legal contract where he'll be entitled to half of what you have.

Good grief, so much drama, it would never work out being married to him. Don’t go back to him, if you really can’t stand being on your own, then at least find someone more emotionally mature. Seriously OP you don’t need to make your life complicated by marrying someone with whom you have so little compatibility. Why do you want to get married anyway? I think unless you plan on having children with someone there is not much point in getting married.

So pleased you now really see him for what he is. Have a great time now and make better decisions in future. You certainly have dodged a bullet.