End of a relationship 2 weeks before marrying

[supercali77]

Im so so lost this morning. We were together 6 years. Not living together (we tried. Kids didn't like it) but decided to marry for ourselves. Hes always had issues with any major life change. More argumentative, quick to escalate into a terrible temper. Has threatened the relationship before.

A couple of weeks back I'd got irritable over text about a communication issue. Something and nothing. It escalated out of the blue and he went mental in a voiceclip, which I've seen before, I really don't like it, so I left the chat. While I was gone and calming down he issued an ultimatum. Come back and talk or that's it. Its over. By the time I went back 15 minutes later to reply. He'd blocked me. I mean, everywhere. I was devastated. Totally shocked. Accepted it was over. Told one of my witnesses, started deciding how to cancel things.

He emailed me late the next day and said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. I asked for time. After a week, i agreed we could try to get back on track. Maybe just pre wedding nerves? Fucking stupid of me. So stupid. I should have seen it coming...

Yesterday. In a conversation about where things go wrong during a conflict between us, he said i needed to 'own my feelings'. And I said..then surely the same goes for you. You cant expect me to own my feelings but your reactions are 'caused' by me angering you. That triggered an explosion. He called me a f*king twisted bitch. I felt like id been punched in the stomach and i hung up. He sent several texts saying he thought this was done. Obvioisly I dont care about his feelings. I said yes i think so. And hes blocked me everywhere. Blocked my bloody daughter 🤦‍♀️ for God's sake. I would never block his daughter, who does that?

Its a mess and obviously over. I feel sick, I feel stupid for going back to it and trying to paper over it. Mainly, I'm spinning. We speak every day. See each other round the kids. Getting married in 2 weeks. And that's it. He's just....gone

He also has a good relationship with his dds mum....i have met her and she's lovely but don't know her well. He has many good qualities...i think this is why it has been so disorienting. Why its crept up on me. How does someone just.. Behave in ways you couldn't imagine they ever would?

How horrible for you but honestly I feel really happy for you that this came out before you got married! You have absolutely dodged a bullet.

All the best.

I should also say re the move. This wasn't abojt the kids not wanting to live with him. This was entirely about his own daughters mental health. Im not trying to excuse him...I'm more saying...these signs. They weren't there in the beginning or even part way through.

He has said before that I'm the problem. I make him angry. And so...the rest is a consequence. It's not ok.

He sounds awful and like getting married would be a disaster.

You're not stupid or unloveable. Abusive men erode your self esteem and sell you lies.

Don't be embarrassed about breaking off the engagement. My previous engagement was broken off six weeks before the wedding. Everyone was supportive, many people said they didn't like how my ex treated me and were relieved! It took a long time, but my confidence grew massively and my future showed me that I am definitely not unloveable!

Oh Thank Goodness it's over ! you don't have to marry him.
spend your time now usefully cancelling everything.

and if he unblocks you, block him

no one needs him in their lives like this.

Better you're writing this post than "we've been married for three months and should I get a divorce" post. He's shown you his true colours, he doesn't care in the moment when he lashes out. You deserve love, respect and someone who thinks what they say. We all have a breaking point, his is reached very easily. He's a volatile bully, it will take time to heal. My head still goes over things my abusive ex did but now I look at it and know I'm not to blame. I know I'm better off single than trying to make things work, make him happy and not set him off. There's plenty of lovely men out there who do not react this way, who will be there when you're in a healthy place to date. You've had a narrow escape, good job you aren't living together. It's sad, I can understand if you feel embarrassed but you shouldn't be, he should be, he's an abusive, volatile, immature rupturing boil of hate.
Be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes, at least you didn't marry yours.

Lucky escape! Thank god this was two weeks before and not two weeks after!

What a knobber. I think you have had a lucky escape.

It's definitely not you.

Thank goodness you're not married to him. He sounds awful.

Has someone said the ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’ quote yet?

Sounds like great news that he’s gone OP. You don’t want to be shackled to that psycho, and you especially don’t want to expose your children to him.

Agree. 100%

Oh OP that sounds very very stressful. Well done for accepting it is over, and be thankful you realised before you married.

Take some time, if you can get some therapy that will help a lot.

Have you done the freedom programme? that might be a good place to start.

TBH the blocking everyone everywhere is a good thing. Do the same. Put your relationship with him (and his daughter) in the past and don't look back.

You can do this, for your daughter's sake as much as yours: show her how a strong woman doesn't accept shitty partners.

You would have had a miserable life with this man.

Its hard to come to terms with who he really was, when you loved him.

But that nasty part of him was as much who he really is and the nicer parts of him were.

They came as a complete package, and that would have been unliveable with.

This is still fresh and raw for you OP, so yes, it's going to hurt for a bit. However, in time I think you'll come to realise it's a blessing.

It's likely that in the beginning you unconsciously ignored red flags because your previous relationship was abusive and you were desperate to be loved. You are not unlovable. You've sadly just picked two complete dicks. You mentioned professional help and I believe some therapy would be a good idea, both to process this relationship end and to help you identify traits of potential abusers you may meet in the future. Honestly, having no relationship is better than an abusive relationship, so if any future bloke starts waving those red flags, take note of them and move along. It's easy to blame yourself, maybe you did this or that to provoke him, but it's usually them. Don't give them second, third or more chances. Straight in the bin if it happens again.

Can you see your own actions positively? You have challenged it seems to me very reasonably, proportionately and you are spot on. Why would it be ok for him to do this with you whilst you fall over yourself managing your own feelings?
So the action of doing so is survival. It is your strong self. His responses to that have told you what you maybe needed to know about the course of action you were about to.embark on. You didn't just dodge a bullet. You were not merely reactive. You raised a crucial issue with him in your and your child's interests.
Have confidence in whatever the impelled you to do that. It was healthy. It created options for you.

You could read this and look at The Freedom Programme

I'm so sorry OP. Try not to beat yourself up about it - you did the best you could with the information you have available to you at the time. You're in the hardest part right now, and from now on it's going to get slowly easier and you'll start to feel less devastated. You deserve so much better

I am so sorry for you.
i wanted to weigh in with some advice re therapy. Upthread, someone has suggested BACP offer a sliding scale of fees. BACP is a membership body for thousands of therapists, some of whom offer sliding scales of fees.
it may be helpful for you to speak to a domestic violence charity who may be able to refer you for low cost therapy. There will be low cost therapy available near you somewhere if you search, especially if you are in a city.

wishing you well

@Warmlight1 genuinely Thank you. I did challenge proportionally. I wasn't reactive. If he expects me to own my feelings, my reactions. He has to own his. I knew it was wrong. Not long before he'd tried to get me to see his original ultimatum/break up as a 'misunderstanding'. And how i was demonising him. I didnt. He just didn't like what it said about him

Seriously, OP, I would stop overthinking this and open some champagne this evening to celebrate your escape from this psycho. 🍾

Bloody hell @supercali77 Bullet well and truly dodged.

As the old adage goes..... when someone shows you who they are, believe them. NEVER have him back. Let him go now. He sounds awful.

@supercali77 the very best thing you can do for your daughter is to say that he was not treating you with the respect that you deserve and that is not OK. You thought that you could fix it but his behaviour wasn't good, and neither you nor your daughter should (or will) put up with that from anyone.
It's horrible for you just now, but it really is for the best and you can teach your daughter the right way to respond when your partner (friend/whoever) isn't treating you properly. Show that protecting yourself and having firm boundaries is how the women in your family live their lives - you can turn it around for you and your child. x

He's unstable. You're better off without him.

Good post.

You are not going to live together anyway so split now that you can and save yourself a divorce.