I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house