((TW SA)) To feel deeply ashamed and shocked

[CheeryLimeFawn]

I need honest outside perspective because I feel deeply shaken and humiliated by what happened.
I had blocked a man I’d been in an on/off situation with after months of inconsistency, silent treatment, vague behaviour and emotional stress. I was already not in a good place mentally before this happened.
He then turned up unexpectedly at my house early in the morning. The problem is my house was in a truly awful state. Not just untidy, properly bad. I feel ashamed even writing it. But there are reasons for it. I am juggling two jobs, I have an autistic child, I have ADHD, and I had been struggling mentally on top of that. Things had built up around me and I had got overwhelmed to the point where the house was reflecting how badly I was coping.
So when he arrived, I felt instantly exposed and panicked. It was like my worst private shame was suddenly there in front of someone who had already hurt me a lot. I keep wondering whether seeing my house like that made him judge me, lose respect for me, or decide there and then that he wanted nothing to do with me.
Things then turned sexual, but I did not feel properly safe or comfortable in it. I was already emotionally overwhelmed and not in a clear state. Afterwards I panicked badly and was asking him to open his phone because I felt something was off and I needed reassurance, but he refused.
What I cannot get over is what happened next. Instead of reassuring me or dealing with me directly, he then blocked me everywhere and contacted my family saying I was unwell.
That is what feels so cruel and damaging to me. He saw me at one of my absolute lowest points, in a house I was already deeply ashamed of, knowing I was overwhelmed, and instead of handling it with care he cut me off and involved my family. I feel humiliated on every level.
Part of me keeps wondering whether the state of my house triggered him to leave me or see me differently. But another part of me thinks that whatever he felt, the way he handled it was harsh, abandoning and deeply upsetting.
Now I was fine before this and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious ,the sex was not consensual I told him no several times and he insisted I do a certain act to him which I did as I felt pressured but stopped as it felt bad ,I feel used and discarted plus deep shame for my house

I’m very sorry OP, I think you need to contact someone you trust for support and consider speaking to the police.

Call the police. Now. You were raped.

This is ALL on him, not you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. He raped you. Is there anybody you can talk to about this- family/friends?- for some support? Would you consider reporting it to the police?

Please don't worry about a messy house.

OP this man behaved very badly, turning up uninvited after you blocked him. Very bad indeed of him to initiate sex in those circumstances.
You were obviously having a bad time anyway and possibly he was worried about you and contacted your family to make sure you got some support. Whatever. He's made things worse for you by his behaviour. Who cares what he thinks about your messy house. Just take care of yourself and let your family help you if they can.

He was horny, looking for sex and got it. Albeit he had to rape you for it.

I very much doubt he noticed the state of your house.

He noticed it enough to use it to discredit her in advance of her telling anyone what happened. Saying she's unwell before she accused him of rape sounds calculated.

I'm so sorry OP. Please speak to someone you trust in real life.

@LapisBlue I told him I don't want sex after 3 months of not seeing you why can't you just talk and stay with me instead ,he said I can't be with you and not have sex ,I was on my period so he proceeded to ask for alternative acts and pleasure himself didn't even attempt to kiss me ,then in the evening he blew up and said I stress and question him to much as on the meeting I accused him of some stuff.
I felt panic called him many times as I was unwell he refused to talk to me to check how I was feeling and told me I am contacting your relatives to come and help you ,he contacted my cousin then blocked me everywhere

He didn't leave you. You blocked him, remember? So why do we care about what he thinks?
You do need some support, whether it is from friends, family, services or authorities, that's for you to decide. But it doesn't hurt for someone to know you are struggling.

@Anewerforest I felt he got so shocked by my house he later made an excuse that I stress him too much and blocked me ,he never said verbally anything about the house however

OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. There are reasons your house is in a state. And anyway, he was already treating you badly before he saw the state of your house. I suspect your difficult circumstances and perhaps fragile state of mind have meant that you currently don't have great boundaries, and this horrible man has taken advantage of that. He has clearly just taken what he wanted with no care for you at all and, deciding to dump you, thought he would get his last bit of value from the relationship by raping you. He is a disgusting human being. Please call the police.

OP - you said that you didn’t feel comfortable or safe with the sex that happened. Did you express that to him in anyway?
Im asking because that changes how you may want to deal with matters.

can you explain a little more about how your house would have appeared to him?
do you have a support network on your life, whether it’s family or anyone else?

The shame is all on him OP. Not on you.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Please seek support.

@Catza
My struggle with the house is only usually temporary ,I do a big clean once a week and small things during the week but he caught me at the worst point of it

He sounds like a coercive rapist and you sound very unwell op. Rather than focus on what he thinks of you, please put your energy into getting yourself some help from the crisis team and rape counselling and reach out for support with your mental health. It sounds like you’re in a very bad way which is not only damaging for you, but also your child. I wish you well

He blocked you because he raped you. He then contacted your family to paint you as struggling and unwell to cover his tracks. He doesn't give a fuck about your house as he was clearly happy enough to have sex in it.

This was completely and totally on him and not you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The shame is his and not yours. I so wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug right now. Your home is your business and no one else's so please don't feel embarrassment about that. Feel anger that this piece of shit rapist took advantage of a vulnerable woman.

Asking to see his phone and calling him multiple times that evening seem quite unusual for a very casual relationship. Are they the thing that triggered the call to your cousin and the blocking?

when has asked for the alternative sex acts, did you express your discomfort with those?

Lovey, the shame should be his. Not yours.

Where was your child in all of this?

Seriously, fuck off.

what he has done op is rape you then sow the seeds with your family so that if you start questioning it he will say see I told you she was unhinged. Please speak to someone or go to the police.

That comes across as very accusatory towards OP who's been assaulted and needs support.

Perhaps that's not as you intended but please be mindful of how you approach an already distressed and vulnerable person.

@Iwilladmit
There were clothes on the floor everywhere ,my son had dumped peanuts and crackers a day before on the stairs ,he also takes my clothes and stuff and all toys scatered them in the house ,the island was cluttered with some unwashed plates food packaging and papers ,the sheets I hadn't changed them and I had laundry clothes on the floor so it was quite bad.
I told him I don't want you in as I have been depressed ,my autistic son has wrecked the house he told me he doesn't care ,the depression was because of him ,after I blocked him I cried everyday felt weak in my body ,had my son at home and had to work for project after my day job too but he has seen my house in very immaculate condition many many times

Sweetheart you need help. Please reach out for support.

Should we never have our children home in case a man wants to come over and rape us?