My sister’s boyfriend is innocently texting me about a surprise for her

[Mango213]

Sorry I’m young and in need of some advice.

Ok so context, this is about my twin sister (F20). she has recently got her first boyfriend (M21) and they’ve been dating for only around 3 months. Now neither of us have had boyfriends before and I don’t have many close friends so i’m unclear of any ‘rules’.

I’ve met him only once and it was brief and quick (just a hello really). But just yesterday, the boyfriend found my social media’s (we aren’t following each other or anything) and he started texting me asking questions about certain interests my sister likes because he has a few presents and surprises in mind. I’m not sure what the occasion is, but regardless, he seems to come across like this is normal and that’s good. He’s a nice person.

So- I’m wondering if I should tell her that he has been texting me. I definitely don’t want to ruin any surprise he has and I’m more than happy to help him. But, because she knows we barely know each other and don’t even follow each other, I don’t want her to look over at either of our phones when she’s with one of us and see we have been in contact, and then think something shadys going on.

Me and my sister tell each other everything. I’m good at secrets if it’s for a present but I don’t want her thinking we are talking about her behind her back and she’s out of the loop. Do I tell her or leave it be? Is it a big deal?

Presents and surprises - why

when is her birthday
how did he cope with choosing her Christmas present/s

Hi think it’s really lovely that he’s going to so much effort for her birthday. No need to tell her and ruin the surprise.

Is he planning a valentines day surprise for her?

It's not her birthday.

I think it's odd.

OP - are you identical twins?

Oh right. Well I still think it’s nice that he’s wants to treat her, birthday or not.

unless of course he suddenly starts flirting or something and it turns out that was a ploy but no indication of that.

This sounds normal to me and nothing you’ve said suggests he’s being weird or lying. I’ve messaged my BIL like this about a surprise and a friend’s husband too.

A secret is different to a surprise as she’ll learn about the surprise eventually when she gets the present. If he was just messaging you randomly and asking you not to tell your sister that would be weird and a secret not to keep from her.

To put your mind at rest and deflate any future issues, can you tell your parent(s) about his messages and perhaps ask their advice on the present/surprise question..?

The only thing potentially to be careful of, is that this much effort into "presents and surprises" for no apparent reason or occasion, after only 3 months in a relationship, could be an indication of love bombing and someone who's too intense and needy. Could be fine. But keep an eye out as you get to know him more, and for any changes in your sister's behaviours as a result of being with him.

I would say if you keep the messages polite and focused only on the topic - no chat - then if she ever does see you just show her the messages.

If you're worried though, just tell her. If he hasn't told you what he has planned definitively and is just after ideas you won't be ruining anything.

Keep the messages bland and limit them to only answering his questions, so when your sister does find out, you can show her you had nothing to hide.

You could reply in an easy breezy way - 'I tell my sister everything and am rubbish at keeping surprises from her, so you'd better ask someone else if you want it to be a secret - all the best'.

I literally can’t see an issue here. He sounds lovely and not inappropriate in any way? It sounds like he really likes your sister and wants to make sure that she will like his gift/idea. Sometimes men really are just nice boyfriends!

If the messages are bland and polite on both your ends, I can’t see why the sister would have an issue with it.

No of course not tell her after. And why would she think you’re trying to get with her boyfriend if you are close, surely that’s rhe last thing she’d think?

Is it effort though? Why hasn’t he listened to his gf to find out what she likes and is interested in? A couple of messages are possibly fine, but after that, it’s too much at this stage imo. He needs to get to know OPs sister himself.

Like pp have said, as long as they’re innocent present related enquiries there is nothing to stop you showing her the messages after the birthday.

I don’t see anything sinister in this given he’s 21 - lads that age who are in love can be very keen! He also may feel like he has to be mates with you to impress her. To me, on the face of it, it just sounds sweet.

If you want to ease your conscience you might say to your sister ‘btw, Jake has been in touch, he wanted my advice about what to do for your birthday - so I think he’s really keen. I’ve been sworn to secrecy though so you’ll have to wait to see what he’s got in store.’

I’d laugh and tell him that it’s a poor show if he didn’t have a grasp on the interests of someone he’s been seeing for three months.

I got you.

“Hey great that you want to organise something special for my sister and here are a few ideas. However, I am terrible at keeping secrets, especially from my sister, so to keep the element of surprise I am probably not the best person to keep in the loop. Much success and I can’t wait to hear from her what you’ve organised.

He could be totally innocent but he’s known your sister 12 weeks, which I think way to soon to be tracking down family members via SM and interrogating them.

Keep it short and if he persists, just repeat your message and block.

This stranger doesn’t get to dictate what your boundaries are.

I agree, it's really very low effort.

And also looks like love bombing.

Also, did people miss that the op has only met him once? They've only been together three months.

It's not like a pp with their brother in law, or friend's husband, both of whom I expect she has known for years.

hm, we are identical BUT we style ourselves veryyy differently nowadays. we have different hair colours/style, different fashion

totally get you!! i definitely think it’s sweet. i should probably ask him the occasion but he said he’ll next text me when he is out shopping alone i think. (they’re out together a lot)

Multiple Christmas presents after less than three months together? Seriously?

yeahhh that’s so true! i trust him, he’s actually quite shy and reserved from how she’s described him so it would be out of character anyway for him to act like that. you’re right, she will know about the surprise when it’s time

i was considering this but i don’t have the best relationship with my parents sadly where i can talk to them about stuff like this :/ thank you for the suggestion though

good thinking! i’ll keep it polite and simple but i’ll probably be back on here for advice if it gets more extreme!