New boyfriend and strange sex life

[BloomingMagnolias]

Not sure whether to put this here or in the Sex section, but here goes.

Just met a man in June. I'm 29, he's 38. We've gone on loads of lovely dates, drinks, meals, walks, I've met his family and they really like me. They seem nice.

We started sleeping together end of August. I say sleeping together, but it's never actually happened. I first put it down to nerves or something, then I thought because he had a lodger it was that. The lodger moved out and nothing changed. Basically he can't get an erection. At all.

We have talked about it. He brought it up a couple of weeks ago. Said what he thought it could be and he would get help.

Then I saw something weird over his shoulder while he was Googling something. A whole load of Instagram account names, women's names. I will probably get shot down for doing this, but I looked at his phone while he was asleep. He has a hair fetish and there were hundreds of different Instagram accounts he is looking at and a weird website where he is paying to watch women masturbate with their hair, as well as have men having sex with their long hair, basically. I also noticed that he is looking at this stuff sometimes as soon as I have left his house, sometimes while I am there asleep.

The other morning I got up and saw him looking at his phone with a roll of toilet paper in his hand. I had attempted to initiate sex with him that morning but he said he had to get ready for work.

I have very long hair and have tried to be "sexy" with it, like these Instagram women... who all look like they're very, very young, by the way... but he's not getting hard. If he does even a little but it quickly just goes soft.

Last week I went to his house and there were loads of scrunched up bits of toilet paper full of dried semen. It was the last straw. He's now refusing to talk about it.

Should I leave him? We get on really well in other ways but I can't handle the secretiveness and feeling as if I will never have sex again if I stay with him.

He has a very strong fetish and he can’t become aroused without it. I doubt that’s going to change and unless you are just as into that as he is (which obviously you’re not!) you are not going to have a normal sex life with this man. This isn’t just a little kink he has - it’s an actual fetish and it’s the only thing that arouses him. It’s the way his brain’s wired.

Before anyone says it’s ’because of porn’ it probably isn’t - that sort of thing isn’t easy to stumble across, and he’s probably had a thing about hair since before he even understood what sexual feelings are.

He can’t help his fetish but he should have been bloody honest with you from day one about it instead of hiding it from you and lying to you about erectile dysfunction. He’s in denial if he thinks he can have a normal relationship like this; he needs to either meet women through fetish communities who share his fetish, or he needs to find a woman who is asexual and is happy with a sexless relationship.

Explain that to him and end it. He’s wasted your time.

He’s addicted to fetish porn featuring what you describe as “very very young” women / girls.

How young do you think they look? Because I’m staggered you’re still attracted to a man of nearly 40 who wanks himself silly to what sounds like inappropriately young women.

Get rid of him, OP. You can do better. And to be blunt don’t date someone that much older than you. This one was single for a reason. There are plenty of men around our age that just haven’t found the right one yet and don’t have any weird hangups.

Yuk. He’s a full blown card carrying porn addict with a fetish. Run for the hills and don’t look back before he rots your self esteem to nothing.

As a man who has had intermittent issues with erections throughout adult life - how on earth have you managed to get to 4 months in with him? Why have you not just thought "This isn't working, I'm off" before now?

This man has no interest whatsoever in giving you any sexual pleasure OP, he just wants to jerk off while thinking about very young women and their long hair.
The closest you will get to any mutual sexual activity will be him jerking off whilst looking at your hair.

His fetish is hair, not BDSM.

Contrary to Mumsnet’s belief, having a fetish or a kink does not equate to enjoying violence. There’s not a crossover between getting off on watching women playing with their hair and watching women getting choked and spat on. One isn’t a gateway drug to the other.

The hair thing is a very niche fetish that isn’t something he’s been introduced to by porn. He is looking at hair fetish content because he has a hair fetish, not the other way around.

A fetish is a form of addiction, as are autogynephilia, drug & alcohol addiction etc.

At his age, nearly 40, he'll have been doing this for a LONG time.

The high becomes more difficult to achieve, requiring more and more to achieve it with time as the addiction digs in.

His porn of choice is involving very young women - and however it's presented, they may be trafficked and abused. And he's happy to use them.

And there is something about you that he says in these women - the long hair.

It's likely he'll start asking you to participate in activities you don't feel happy with as time goes on.

So you have a choice. Accept it's a package, the fetish and the relationship with the man, and take your chances with eyes open.

Or decide you may prefer not to continue with either.

～(つˆДˆ)つ｡☆ Don't walk, Don't run, SPRINT FOR THE HILLS

Succinctly put.

Ewwwwwwwww

I don't know how you don't have the complete ick. The only things these porn/fetish obsessed men really care about is their grubby fetishes. I'd recommend you run a million miles.

Unless he's willing to pay you money to look at your hair there is nothing in it for you op.

OP I'd have to chuck him back in the pond. Leaving spunky tissues lying about and also having a non functional knob would be the dealbreaker for me.

Put the Rapunzel fetishist down because this is really grim (excuse the pun). He is perving over much younger women who happen to have long hair. If you get a pixie cut, he will be long gone anyway. He has no interest in your personal needs, or you as a whole person so what is the point of knowing him. If he would rather self relieve in a bathroom over social media, than be in bed with a real woman doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

Porn adled perv. Fetishes usually escalate. I would absolutely end this if I were you

This

Run, run far and fast!

I've just got home and I am utterly overwhelmed by the amazing and supportive comments!! I will read through them all now!

@BloomingMagnolias how are things? Have you made a decision? Hope you’re ok.

Hopefully you will have finished this farce of a relationship. Just ask yourself what do you get out of this ? I only hope God forbid you don’t have any young girls in your family with long hair !

No real life woman is sexually compatible with him. He only gets off watching women with long hair having sex with that same long hair.
Lost case.
One of the victims of the porn pandemic. Beyond repair.

And unfortunately this is something one can only find out when you actually get hot and heavy with a guy.
He might be the most charming fellow and yes he wants to have a girlfriend but he also wants to continue his relationship with porn.

@BloomingMagnolias run , run fast and don’t look back !!!

You are wasting your time . Free yourself and meet someone who actually wants to have sex with you .

I don't see the point of this relationship at all. He's got no right pursuing a real life relationship as he's not capable of maintaining one.