Husband and best friends affair

[growgirl]

My world was turned upside down last week with the discovery of my husbands affair with my best friend at the time. It all ended last year apparently.

we looked after each others kids all the time (they are best friends), I was even picking her child up from school when they were fucking in a hotel. I think what makes this worse is I genuinely wanted to help her while her husband was working away so we were socialising all the time as she lives a few doors down. My husband was also her PT 🙄 great excuse for a couple of hours a week together I guess 😆

i comforted her when she was crying about her relationship breaking down (while she was fucking my husband) and i suspected it at one point as I would go home and he would go back for ‘one last drink’ I found it disrespectful at the time and we would argue about it all the time. I guess that’s what they spoke about when they confided in each other about their awful marriages 🤢

long story short, 2 marriages destroyed, the doctor has prescribed me diazepam to try and control how I’m feeling. He is still here at the moment as I do not feel strong enough to be in this house on my own with my kids as trying to function is impossible right now. I’ve lost half a stone in 3 days!

is this even salvageable? The levels of disrespect are off the scale in every direction I look. I just need to be stronger before I make any huge decisions. I also need to move out of this village asap. It’s gossip central and I am so ashamed. The school runs are unbearable. A few people I genuinely trusted knew and this is just another punch in the gut. He is obviously very sorry but I suspect that is because he was caught.

wise words please 🙏🏻. I am broken 😞

He’s in and out. Don’t for a second think I blame her anymore than him. After finding out more it does seem like it was instigated by her though…

How long was it going on for @growgirl ? Why did he end it?

It was going on for 3 months. I think it started as a dunken fumble when our relationship was going through a rocky patch and then she would get angry when he wouldn’t come back to her if we had had an argument. (Not his words) this came from a mutual friend. She is quite a bunny boiler. And I must add I am not down playing his part one bit.

You say she’s 20 years older op. Did you ever think before this that she might be jealous of you and your life?

I probably never considered it when I thought she was my friend. We looked out for each others kids, we did everything. Now I guess it’s obvious but I just never saw it that way 😔

Is the version of events from your H the same as you’ve heard from (all?) these other witnesses?
Was she blackmailing him that if he didn’t shag her again / come over after a row etc., she would tell you?
How forthcoming is he being with ‘the truth’. This is critical if there’s any chance of a reconciliation.

They are exactly the same. And as much as I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth at present… he has answered every question in excruciating detail 😔

That must have been very painful. I hope it was done with love and openness and not to inflict further pain on you. I hope he’s also moving heaven and hell to repair what he’s done, even if you decide you don’t want him back.

I think the only way I could gain control of the situation was to find out every date, conversation, position, location 🤢. He’s begging every second of every day and I still don’t know if I can ever look past it.

@growgirl It actually sounds like you are going to forgive this awful behaviour with your "d" friend!!! he is really guilty and it was not a one off situation. typical male behaviour for one who's eyes wander and who is offered it on a plate!! have you no pride???

Nothing you’ve said makes it sound at all “obvious” so do not go blaming yourself. This is on them not you and it is perfectly reasonable for you to assume that your husband and your best friend wouldn’t even dream of doing this!

Completely understandable reaction.
Rather than listening to him begging, I’d be asking him exactly what he’s going to do to try and repair this.
Open access to all devices, location on at all times, change career if you can’t trust him not to shag his clients, relocate - and him arrange it all - confess to everyone he knows, demonstrate on a daily basis for the rest of his life how you are his priority etc. Whatever you might need.
You don’t need to decide now, but his level of commitment to and ability to sort his shit out for you might help you decide how you want to move forward this week, next week, in 2 months time etc.

Excuse me? I have been desperately trying to ensure my children still have some normality while I can barely function. I have made absolutely no decisions on my future. I am holding on as best I can.

Op is having an absolute nightmare. Her pride is fully intact, because she hasn’t shagged anyone other than her husband. She is not responsible for his behaviour. And before you say “ raise your bar”, I suggest you raise yours and stop making unhelpful and frankly bitchy comments to a woman in a dreadful situation.

Take your time and don't make any rash decisions. This is such deceit from 2 people closest to you, no wonder you're on tablets.
Take each day as it comes and try and heal.
Personally, I couldn't forgive this but I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever decision you make. You didn't deserve such betrayal.

Thank you 😭

If so many people knew what was going on did she confide in mutual friends? Just seems strange that so many people knew to the point family members were aware and told you after only 3 months. People get away with affairs for years without anyone catching on. Maybe she wanted this to come out?

I mean, it’s a close call with regards to who is more at fault, but a husband and wife have made a life-long legal commitment to each other…

But that is by the by. The main point of my post was to say don’t just blame the woman. You see so many women blaming the other woman way more than the cheating husband/boyfriend.

She’s not just blaming the woman. If you have read all her posts she is clearly disgusted by her husband and unsure whether she should even attempt to forgive.

However she can cut her ex friend off without another thought. She has a house, marriage and children with her husband. Ending their relationship will be much harder and will impact her children. No one can blame her for taking time to consider this and not make any rash decisions. That doesn’t entail she has forgiven him or placed less blame in his court.

you have pretty much hit the nail on the head here. I am of course disgusted with him. This is also all taking place on one small road. I have now had messages forwarded to me which are basically a hate campaign against me. Somebody is clearly trying to minimise her actions, who knows. I’m just trying to spend as much time with my kids giving them happy memories while I get my head together. It’s certainly true that you find out who your real friends are in these circumstances and I have a tribe surrounding me in this village which I will be forever grateful for. ❤️

I'd have to move away. It already sounds like most of the school know. I'd worry for your dc.

I have considered it but my children are so happy here and I have a truly amazing bunch of women supporting me here so I think if anyone needs to leave it should not be me.

Hear hear.

Move away my arse. It's not the 1950s.

@growgirl I think it unwise to involve other people. You seem to have your tribe and the ow has hers. It’s messy as it is and this is a very personal issue and not something for your whole village to be involved it. I take it the ow husband knows then?
You need to channel your energy to getting mentally well. I don’t believe so much in meds but I think you should go to counselling and talk through this. The impact on you is massive as this is a double betrayal. The two closest to you.

I’m so sorry op, on top of finding out the betrayal of your husband and friend, you are now having to deal with this hate campaign. People are just bloody awful sometimes. Surround yourself with friends you trust and lean on your support structure