Husband and best friends affair

[growgirl]

My world was turned upside down last week with the discovery of my husbands affair with my best friend at the time. It all ended last year apparently.

we looked after each others kids all the time (they are best friends), I was even picking her child up from school when they were fucking in a hotel. I think what makes this worse is I genuinely wanted to help her while her husband was working away so we were socialising all the time as she lives a few doors down. My husband was also her PT 🙄 great excuse for a couple of hours a week together I guess 😆

i comforted her when she was crying about her relationship breaking down (while she was fucking my husband) and i suspected it at one point as I would go home and he would go back for ‘one last drink’ I found it disrespectful at the time and we would argue about it all the time. I guess that’s what they spoke about when they confided in each other about their awful marriages 🤢

long story short, 2 marriages destroyed, the doctor has prescribed me diazepam to try and control how I’m feeling. He is still here at the moment as I do not feel strong enough to be in this house on my own with my kids as trying to function is impossible right now. I’ve lost half a stone in 3 days!

is this even salvageable? The levels of disrespect are off the scale in every direction I look. I just need to be stronger before I make any huge decisions. I also need to move out of this village asap. It’s gossip central and I am so ashamed. The school runs are unbearable. A few people I genuinely trusted knew and this is just another punch in the gut. He is obviously very sorry but I suspect that is because he was caught.

wise words please 🙏🏻. I am broken 😞

You must be reeling. Don't even attempt to make any decisions yet, you're too raw and emotional for logical thought - just focus on getting through hour by hour right now. And when you're strong enough, read this: https://www.chumplady.com/ Like you say, he's only sorry he got caught. And the shame is his, lovely, not yours. You hold your head high.

Why should you be ashamed for heavens sake!
You've been betrayed on every level: by your H, by your so called friend and by all the bystanders who knew but didn't have the decency to tell you what was going on. What a load of absolute lowlife scum.
You need to end your marriage and you need to get away and make a fresh start amongst decent people.

They are two bastards!!
You lady hold your head up high, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.
Take a day or two then get him to fuck out of your house. Do not stay with a man that could do this to you.
You CAN do this, and you need to keep telling yourself that you can run you and your children’s lives and that you have no necessity for a cheating bastard of a husband.

What a pair of shits they are.

Hopefully you won't want to salvage it. But be kind to yourself. You are not the shameful one here.

Thank you, I know what you’re all saying is true. I’m just completely blindsided right now and paralysed in fear of what is to come.
i think in my heart of hearts i know i will never be able to get past this. I just cannot believe they have put me in this position

My absolute sympathy… I am a few months down from this… not a best friend but a friend… they are together now…. It is utterly devastating … All your trust of others goes…. your brain goes over and over conversations and things that happened.

They knew… and you didn’t …. AWFUL!

you need to concentrate totally on you and what you want to do…. Whatever that is. What works for you, not him, or her, you!

take your time. Look after yourself xxx

How did you find out about it? Did he come clean and tell you himself, with a view to work on your relationship and cut off contact with her? Or did you find out yourself? That would make a difference for me. Sending you strength x

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Hold your head high on that school run.

Yes, there will have been plenty of gossip about it but that gossip will have been about how awful they are, nothing negative about you.

Take each day at a time, the rage will come and that will give you the strength to throw him out.

@growgirl - This is utterly devastating. You must still be absolutely reeling from shock and horror. The shame is entirely theirs. None of it is yours.

It’s far too early for decisions. Take it one breath at a time. This will take months if not a year or more for you to process. You owe your H nothing. You owe it to yourself to take whatever time you need to process this.

Everything is terribly tricky and painful now but my very strong sense is that a year or so from now you will have ridden out of the village to a better and happier life with your head held high and left the sad, untrustworthy fuckers behind.

It’s awful but I assure you , you will be ok. Take it one day at a time just now. Find a good therapist. Cry a lot . Remember this isn’t about you they are fuckwits. And again you will be ok. Xx

This is the worst OP, a double betrayal. You will get through this but boy is it a painful experience.

Just to add, try not to judge those who knew too harshly. It is very difficult to know what is best to do when you have found out about an affair amongst friends/acquaintances.

When I was in my early 20’s I told someone about her fiancé who was fucking around. I assumed she’d want to know as I would have. It was a terrible decision. She really really didn’t want to know. She already knew deep down and had made her peace with it and very much wanted it kept under the carpet. She never spoke to me again.

I would only ever tell my best friend now as we have had the discussion and agreed we would tell each other. I honestly wouldn’t get involved in anyone else’s relationship.

@growgirl so sorry to read this. You must be absolutely livid from the double betrayal. Do you have family or friends you could talk to? I know everyone is saying hold your head high and you’ve got nothing to be ashamed off. However , it will be difficult to be in close proximity to the bitc* and seeing her on the school run.

Could you move to another area and your children enrol at another school ? You know you can’t get past this.

Is your husband even trying and asking for forgiveness ? Keep your lips sealed, don’t tell him or your in laws your plans. They are not your friend and will support your husband.

Hi OP. The exact same thing happened to me - ex H of 14 odd years left me for my former best friend. Our children were best friends, we spent so much time together, supported her through her divorce etc. The pain of it was horrendous and almost visceral - I never ever thought I would survive it. I felt everything you feel now, including being mortified about people finding out. The shame of it 🙈

I didn’t want to carry on - but carry on I did. And through counselling and good support I finally crawled out of the depths of despair. Today I’m the happier I’ve ever been - I got a brand new job as part of my ‘fuck you’, have had amazing experiences and have a great relationship with my DC. And I’ve also met the most wonderful man who makes me more happy than I thought together and who I am building the most wonderful life together with.

The twats are still together - and I honestly can say hand on heart I no longer feel anything about it. No anger, no bitterness - just nothing. Although I wouldn’t piss on either of them if they were on fire 😉

Thinking of you - take it minute by minute, day by day x

Do you have any family or friends that can come and stay with you and you kick him out? Personally, I'd leave him at home to deal with everything and you go away for a couple of weeks to give yourself some head space. Don't take him back.

I'm so sorry, you must be reeling from the shock and betrayal. There's no way I could get past this and take him back. He has lied to you and betrayed you in the worst possible way.

Please don't think about shame or embarrassment. You have done nothing wrong and the shame is all theirs. Any decent person will be horrified at what he's done.

You are stronger than you think and you will be fine on your own. Don't stay with him through fear of the unknown. Your life can be happy and peaceful again without him. Take your time, gather support from friends and family and start planning your life without him in it. He doesn't deserve a second chance - the trust is gone.

Those two are the shameful ones.

I know the raw pain it feels but please try and make sure you get something nourishing inside you even it's a protein drink. You need your energy for your wellbeing.

I, like many PPs say, know things WILL get better.

God almighty that is unforgivable. The cheating, plus the utter disrespect of all the circumstances. I’m so sorry.

Not sure why you want to even consider salvaging anything OP. They are both the lowest of the low.

Please do not feel ashamed on the school run (or at all).

This pair are dirty, selfish fuckers and they are the ones who should feel ashamed.

Have you got family that can support you?

I am so sorry. I have to say my instinct would be to pick up the kids and move out of the area. Is that possible? You've been betrayed by absolutely everyone. It's making me think of the start of the Dr Foster on TV, did you say it?That was shocking and this is even more shocking as it's real. I couldn't forgive him and I couldn't forgive the others who kept it quiet either.

Op be kind to yourself. Put yourself first. Tell your family and friends or anyone who will support you. Book in time to speak to a solicitor. Get a counsellor or therapist.

you DH and BF are shits of the highest order. Leave them to wallow in filth together. Focus on getting away as fast as you can.

don’t talk to them, talk to us. Fuck your DH to the moon and back

Be led by your heart. Take as much time as you need, ask or tell your husband to do the school runs for a week (presumably if you were ill he’d manage and do them)

Then get angry and get energised and do exactly what you want to. I hope you have someone you can lean on when you feel ready.

What a pair of absolute shits and they are the ones that should be ashamed, not you. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you 💐

This.

Don't underestimate how much decent people are disgusted by cheaters. They are immoral, self gratifying, liars, no integrity, low calibre people.

You are naturally feeling that people will be looking at you with pity, or "stupid woman, we all knew." They aren't. They are disgusted on your behalf.

There was a woman at DS school and a chap who's son was the year above, both married. Started shagging. Spouses found out. Two marriages over. The cheaters set up together (mainly to look like they hadn't fucked everything up for a temporary fling) and certainly she was completely ostracized. No one wanted to be associated with her. No one wanted her near their husband. Same with the man, he was blanked by the other husbands, and was left in no misunderstanding that he wasn't welcome around other people's wives.

I wouldn't say we rallied round the victims (so to speak) there was that uncomfortable British silence of not knowing what to say lest it appears twee or patronising, but there was a lot of inclusion and extra play dates for those parents.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.