Husband and best friends affair

[growgirl]

My world was turned upside down last week with the discovery of my husbands affair with my best friend at the time. It all ended last year apparently.

we looked after each others kids all the time (they are best friends), I was even picking her child up from school when they were fucking in a hotel. I think what makes this worse is I genuinely wanted to help her while her husband was working away so we were socialising all the time as she lives a few doors down. My husband was also her PT 🙄 great excuse for a couple of hours a week together I guess 😆

i comforted her when she was crying about her relationship breaking down (while she was fucking my husband) and i suspected it at one point as I would go home and he would go back for ‘one last drink’ I found it disrespectful at the time and we would argue about it all the time. I guess that’s what they spoke about when they confided in each other about their awful marriages 🤢

long story short, 2 marriages destroyed, the doctor has prescribed me diazepam to try and control how I’m feeling. He is still here at the moment as I do not feel strong enough to be in this house on my own with my kids as trying to function is impossible right now. I’ve lost half a stone in 3 days!

is this even salvageable? The levels of disrespect are off the scale in every direction I look. I just need to be stronger before I make any huge decisions. I also need to move out of this village asap. It’s gossip central and I am so ashamed. The school runs are unbearable. A few people I genuinely trusted knew and this is just another punch in the gut. He is obviously very sorry but I suspect that is because he was caught.

wise words please 🙏🏻. I am broken 😞

Really I think just to ditch him .Right now you have not done anything wrong at all.Just hold your head high .As DM used to say "while they are talking about me ,they are not talking about anyone else" I would see if you can stay with family maybe over the half term . I know this is an unpopular thing to say .But I think it is wise not to get too involved, with female friends who dont have a partner .Men dont like to be the 3rd wheel and you were almost too kind to your "best " friend .She probably wanted to get close to someone again,even subconciously .DH may have enjoyed flirting and boom! Take care OP xx

"My husband is deeply ashamed at the moment"

No he isn't. He feels shitty because he got caught and he's not getting his bit on the side.

You’re not the one who should be ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

Firstly, I am so sorry to read this. What utter complete cunts they are.

is this even salvageable - personally, for me. The marriage or friendship wouldn’t be salvageable. I wouldn’t trust either of them again.

To echo a PP- you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing.

They are the ones who should be ashamed. Please ignore any nosey, gossiping fuckwhits who might find your situation entertaining or interesting. It shows what low levels of intelligence and self-esteem they have if they gossip over this.

I hope the medication can at least allow you to function throughout the day. Please try and speak to a counsellor or therapist if you can. This is the time to properly talk and get all your feelings, emotions, anger out to a non-judgemental professional.

When you are ready - kick that bastard out of the house. Get some legal advice re: finances, etc.

Living under the same roof won’t help you in the long run. You need space and time away from him to process this properly.

I hope you have other friends (good ones) around and family.

Please take care of yourself. I promise things will get better in time.

get rid of him OP, you’re worth so much more and I don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him properly. You don’t need to be ashamed, he does, but I can understand that you are embarrassed by it.

Do you have any family who can help with the children so he can leave?

This happened to 2 couples i know and yes, the marriages were both saved. The man didnt leave his wife. The female affair person left her husband but then had to come crawling back (he took her back). The man's wife also put flyers through doors saying the woman was a homewrecker! Anyway - everyone is back together now.....

I couldnt forgive but people do....

This happened to me.
There is no coming back from it.
Infidelity is one thing but the utter cruelty of choosing your best friend is another level.
It is like a double bereavement but worse.
I have been through bereavement too and this betrayal is 100% more devastating.
Get far away from both of them as soon as you can and no matter what any shred of love you might possibly have tries to tell you, or any amount of begging for forgiveness (though my two fuckers were too cowardly to even try) which occurs you must harden your heart and cut them off like a diseased branch.
I appreciate you have children so some level of communication will be needed but try to imagine their father is a stranger (after all, his actions show that you never really knew him) and keep to cool civility from behind a mask.
I hope you have decent people irl to support you, not tossers who even suggest bollocks like he must have been unhappy/ he is so sorry/ marriage takes work/ he is the children’s father etc.
Let such idiots tolerate being stabbed in the back with a salt encrusted knife if they like and then stay for more.
This is the start of a new life for you. Time to find actual happiness (or at least peace of mind) instead of living with a lying shit who is so lazy he can’t even find another woman to shag who isn’t your best mate.

Good. This is all his shame. Not yours.

You are not broken. You are shocked, traumatised and devastated. But you WILL heal.

Look after your physical body as best you can so it can support you to heal emotionally. Stay as hydrated as you can and try and just eat a little regularly. If you don’t your body will have extra stress.

You are going to have massive, intense waves of all kinds of emotions. They will feel like you could drown in them but the advice if you get sucked under by a wave is to relax and you do eventually pop back up. There might be wave after wave pummelling you but you will get washed up on the shore eventually. Make space for the emotions. They will pass. Like the weather they will come and go.

Know where your safe spaces are to talk and cry. The people you can trust. If there are people that can help with childcare then take that help to give you time.

You will get through this but right now you are shocked and raw so be extra kind to yourself.

That’s not the first story I’ve heard of a PT shagging a client - I’m so sorry OP.

Get those quackers lined up and LTB!

He's not ashamed, he's putting on an act to try to make you keep putting up with him.

Does he think you'll stay with him?

This could have been written by my good friend (in the village) who had her husband do exactly the same thing.

A year on and they are still together - after an awful lot of work she forgave him and their family are still together. The gossip has worn off and nobody gives it a second thought any more.

My view is that if she can forgive him, so can I and it's not my place to judge. That's not to say I wish it hadn't happened and it was selfish and stupid of both of them.

There are lots of reasons people have affairs - sometimes it is as straightforward as having very low self esteem and someone makes you feel attractive again. Not that it makes it OK, but I'm just trying to say that it's not always because the marriage is terrible or the spouse is lacking in any way.

I'm not saying you should let him stay necessarily, just that if you do, you can move on and so will everyone else. Just hang in there lady until you know what you want.

Sending hugs and luck for whatever you decide to do.

Oh you poor thing. What a pair of scumbags.

I also need to move out of this village asap. It’s gossip central and I am so ashamed.

But YOU should not be ashamed. Your arse of a husband and the immoral woman he was shagging are the ones who should be ashamed.

If you like where you live, do not move. Your (soon to be ex, I hope) husband needs to be the one to. move, and to tell people why - that he was disgustingly unfaithful.

You have done nothing wrong. He's let you & your DC down.

Scum both of them. Equal scum. I’m so sorry. The shame isn’t on you. It’s them. Take it a second at a time. People will be on your side even if they say nothing. Hope these two are ostracised.

The shame is theirs not yours. I don't know how can salve your relationship. You'll never forgive him.

@growgirl dont know why you would ever forgive either of them for this!! I would be chucking him out on his ear!!! I get how you are embarassed! I live in a village and you cannot go for a wee without everyone knowing about it!! remember, you are not the disloyal party here and everyone in the village knows this!! they know that they are both cheats so they are the ones who should be hanging their heads in shame! you will continue to thrive without a cheat walking beside you.

I don't think it would be possible to come back from this. The betrayal is too deep, and he was perfectly willing to keep this a secret forever. And even if his remorse is genuine and he's honestly sorry for what he's done (not just sorry that he was found out and now has to face the life-altering consequences), so what? He knew what he was doing was wrong and could destroy his family, but he did it anyway. I couldn't trust that he wouldn't do something stupid and selfish again, because that's what he is—stupid and selfish. Most people never change the essence of who they are. At his core, he's just a pathetic creature who is incapable of being a good husband.

And as everyone else is saying, they're the ones who should be ashamed. You only trusted that they were who they pretended to be, a decent husband and friend, and there's no shame in that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, some people are awful. 9 years ago my husband had an affair with someone we both worked with - it was awful, it took me a really long time to feel anything like my old self - and to be honest, I don't think i was ever really the same again. We 'worked through it' for 9 years and 6 weeks ago he told me he doesn't love me anymore and left me (for another woman). So all of the pain I went through for years afterwards, all of the mental scars I have - and he left me anyway... I look back and wish I had never let him back into my life. I'm almost a decade older and feel like my options are far less than they were back then.

Look after yourself. Put yourself first. Don't let the fear of coping with kids or anything like that make you feel like you 'need' him. I really am so sorry you are going through this - i wish you so much love x

The shame belongs to husband and ex-friend. You have nothing to be embarrassed about- people will feel appalled on your behalf. And your husband made the choice to destroy your family- this is all on him.

Right now, your husband is probably panicking that his cosy life is about to come crashing down. He will try to convince you that you and the children need him- you don’t. He can move out while you decide on your next steps.

Another level of betrayal by the very people who should have your back. I can’t see what could be salvaged from this. Your ‘D’H has shown you that your feelings, your marriage, your kids, your home and life together are not sacred to him, but secondary to his dick. Your ‘friend’ will be loving the drama with herself at the centre. You are blindsided now but do what you can to gather strength. Go and stay in a hotel or with a trusted family member for a week. Go off sick from work. You might not feel like it but you need to put yourself and your kids first, so go and see a lawyer and don’t tell DH you are doing so. Get strong. Get out. If he can do this once he will do it again. He will be loving your distress too, proving he is some kind of ‘prize’ when actually he is a stinking lump of shite polluting your home and life. Clear it out.

Wait, wait, wait - why on Earth should you move out of the village - let the preening prick (PT) move out, you stay in your home. Get off the diazepam, please, please asap - he does not get to ruin your mental health. You have done no cheating, hold your head high, he is moving out, she is not just a textbook slut, but also a TRAITOR. Your best friend???? Make him change HIS life, don't change yours and your kids.

I just want to make this very clear OP - you, unequivocally, have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Sending a handhold 💐

For some reason this is a massive fear of mine, that DH will leave me for my best friend of 43 years. I can't imagine the thoughts and feelings that you are sitting with now OP, it's so shit. But you are doing well - you have gone back to work, you are communicating coherent sentences, you are doing the school run. You are functioning. Day be day, week by week you'll tick more stuff off that means you'll get your life back on track.

Firstly, you have nothing to be ashamed of at all! They both do.

Secondly, I know you dont feel strong enough but I think it will help you if you kick him out of the house. That doesn't mean he can leave and not help with the children, he can still have them at weekends for now maybe but I think having your own space and time away from him is needed while you're reeling from it all.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I hope you have people to lean on in real life too💐

Op, if you still sleeping with your ‘d’h when he was sleeping with this woman you need to get an STD test
, This is what would really piss me off. The fact that one’s health was at risk because a man couldn’t keep it in his pants. I would be furious
Op, you really need to ask him to leave for now so that you can get some breathing space

Why do you think that @IhateSPSS? are they particularly close or it’s just an irrational fear?