Husband and best friends affair

[growgirl]

My world was turned upside down last week with the discovery of my husbands affair with my best friend at the time. It all ended last year apparently.

we looked after each others kids all the time (they are best friends), I was even picking her child up from school when they were fucking in a hotel. I think what makes this worse is I genuinely wanted to help her while her husband was working away so we were socialising all the time as she lives a few doors down. My husband was also her PT 🙄 great excuse for a couple of hours a week together I guess 😆

i comforted her when she was crying about her relationship breaking down (while she was fucking my husband) and i suspected it at one point as I would go home and he would go back for ‘one last drink’ I found it disrespectful at the time and we would argue about it all the time. I guess that’s what they spoke about when they confided in each other about their awful marriages 🤢

long story short, 2 marriages destroyed, the doctor has prescribed me diazepam to try and control how I’m feeling. He is still here at the moment as I do not feel strong enough to be in this house on my own with my kids as trying to function is impossible right now. I’ve lost half a stone in 3 days!

is this even salvageable? The levels of disrespect are off the scale in every direction I look. I just need to be stronger before I make any huge decisions. I also need to move out of this village asap. It’s gossip central and I am so ashamed. The school runs are unbearable. A few people I genuinely trusted knew and this is just another punch in the gut. He is obviously very sorry but I suspect that is because he was caught.

wise words please 🙏🏻. I am broken 😞

How could you even begin to fathom any of that to even forgive?

That is a level of betrayal is beyond any scope.

The absolute scumbags.

Please do not take him back or do the pick me dance. You poor love you deserve so much better.

I wouldn’t even consider working on it. Chuck him out and lean on your family where possible.

Unfortunately this situation is more common than you'd imagine and I'm another that was in this situation nearly 30 years ago when my childhood sweetheart and husband of 8 years had an affair with my then best friend (whose husband was HIS best friend - v messy).
He left me devastated and because we were going through fertility investigations at the time, were able to have a clean break due to no children. Like you, initially I considered an attempt at forgiveness but he didn't give me that option and married her weeks after our divorce was finalised. He then dumped her by text several years later, to move onto her replacement, and has repeated that cycle at least 4 times. He must love wedding cake!
I won't pretend it was easy - the first few months were truly awful and I definitely discovered who my real friends were, but with the love and support of true friends and family, taking each day at a time, and by focusing on me, I built a new, successful & happy life for myself. I'm currently planning 25th wedding anniversary celebrations with my lovely husband and wonderful grown-up kids.
As much as you may think you want to try and save your marriage, do you genuinely feel you can and would want to? Don't you deserve better?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, hold your head high!

Kick both of the cunts to the kerb. Life's too fucking short. End of

I am so very sorry and feel your shock, pain and the awful sense of betrayal. I was in very similar shoes 5 years ago. I chose to try to forgive but once the trust has gone it is impossible to get back and eats you alive. We will be splitting up soon as I'm just not happy deep down and still a shadow of my former self.

Take care of you at the moment, minute by minute, hour by hour. Find a close friend that has your back for support and don't make any rash decisions but you deserve to have a man who worships the ground you walk on. Do not forgive too easily and certainly do not blame yourself in any way. This is on him and him alone.

Thinking of you OP 💐

What a pair of shitty little shit shits.

I’ve been on the receiving end of similar (but not as much of a betrayal as you have) and it is horrific.

Sending huge unmumsnetty hugs.

I feel for you OP. You have nothing to be ashamed of. They are both shameful and it sounds like they deserve each other. You will look back and be glad to be rid of them. How long will it be before one of them strays with someone else? How can they ever trust each other? You deserve so much more in a partner and friend. Wishing you all the best. 💐

As everyone has said already, you have nothing to be ashamed/embarrassed about. You've done nothing wrong.

Talk to trusted family/friends. You will need the support.

You'll have good days & bad days, but eventually it will get easier.

He didn’t come clean, I found out seperately. As I said he ended it with her before Christmas. They have been carrying on as usual still socialising but much much less.
I just don’t know how I can ever move past it. I don’t want to break my kids hearts but my heart is in a million pieces 😔

This happened to me many years ago. I was confiding in her that I thought my husband was having an affair ! It was a truly awful time . My friends, who were also hers, suspected something was going on and were following them to find out but worried who was going to tell me. I found out myself but they still denied it when confronted. I lost my business and home . My friends were fabulous in supporting me while she ended up with only him. Years later I have a good life . They are still together and I even speak to them now at family events with our adult children but she won’t let him speak to me on his own ! I met a friend of theirs in the hairdressers who wrongly assumed my children were theirs . I took great delight in telling her they had an affair. I don’t care about them but it still makes me angry what they put us through . Good luck OP . You will get there . Get a great solicitor.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling Op. But you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and whilst everyone is no doubt talking about it - no one is going to think poorly of YOU.

What they’ve done is absolutely heinous. Hopefully he’s left your home for now? You need space and time to figure out what your life looks like after this discovery.

He is not your friend right now, and she certainly isn’t.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I am totally ok with rebuilding a marriage after infidelity but this is another level. I’m not sure I could even be in the same room as your husband to even talk about it.

But for now you need to focus on you. You are the priority here not worrying about where your marriage ends up. You will be in shock and you will have trauma to deal with. You need to be eating, drinking, exercising. You need to reach out to people you trust irl (hard I know in the circumstances). Counselling would be a great idea if you can get hold of it. surviving infidelity have a strategy called the 180 for getting emotional distance you may want to google it. You need to put your oxygen mask on so you can take care of the children and navigate these first few days, weeks and months.

If you don’t want to make a decision right now, you don’t have to. You’ll know when you’re ready to be more decisive.

What they have done is utterly disgusting.

You deserve better

How utterly insane and debased of them. I can’t even begin to think what I’d do. I’d start by getting him out of the house I think, and a friend coming to stay to help me out. Jesus.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. It is them that should feel deeply ashamed.

Finding out you have been betrayed is brutal. I cannot imagine how much more painful it is to have a double betrayal.

Like you say, it turns your world upside down. Right now you just need to concentrate on breathing and getting through the day. The next few weeks/months/years are going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. You will grieve for your marriage and friendship and for the life you thought you would have.

Do you have trusted family and friends? Surround yourself with love and support.

By all means let your husband stay if it helps you but do ask him to move out for f that would be better for you.

I promise you, you will get through this. And you will be stronger for it. But it will take time. Lots of time.

Whether you stay with him or split is an entirely personal decision. I tried to stay as I was desperate to keep my family together but the trust was destroyed and it turned me into a mad woman who I know longer recognised. Divorce was hard but it was so much harder trying to forgive and move on.

Sending love.

💐💐💐 for you op.

@growgirl I am so very sorry. I am 4 years down the line from this scenario exactly. My best friend who I supported through her own troubles , she had what most would have called a very happy marriage also. 4 children between us who went to school together.
I tried my hardest to overcome what had happened, ultimately they minimised everything and continued to see one another whilst assuring it was over .
The school yard was at first so humiliating however I can assure you that everyone there will be disgusted by there behaviour .
Both marriages destroyed, both divorced now .
it’s a level of deceit most people can’t get there head around. A husband having an affair is one thing , your best friend is more pain than people can comprehend.
A huge amount of therapy has helped but I won’t lie, I don’t think I will ever be able to trust on the same level again- new friendships are a no go, relationships now are very much surface level - colleagues , school run acquaintances etc. sorry this reply is scrambled and might seem very negative but I can assure you that today I feel 1 million times better knowing that those people are no longer in my life - what’s meant for you will not pass you by . ❤️

You're not the one breaking their hearts - he broke your marriage by doing this, not you. If you stay with him, it's in a relationship that is different from what it was before and your kids are affected either way. But that's not your fault. It is better for them longterm to have you in the place where you are happiest, stable and flourishing.

This 100%

I couldn’t be around them or these other people who knew but chose not to tell you. That’s a lot of deceitful people.

My heart goes out to you, if your husband was having an affair normally the first person you would turn to you would be your best friend. This is double betrayal.

If you choose to stay with him, I would insist on moving houses, she is far too close for comfort. No contact with her would be the bare minimum.

Is he sorry for what he has done? How is he showing this? I agree with PP I would be putting him on the school run, club run, taking over as main provider for the kids allowing you time for you and to heal.

Please don't feel people are gossiping about YOU. It's about them and how nasty they are.

Please reach out to friends, to us, keep talking. Do anything you need to process this.

Sending hugs

I must say as well that if your H is a PT and he used that position to have an affair with her as one of his clients I would be very suspicious about whether he has had unprofessional relationships with other women clients.

My first thought that as a pt, it's a total cliche that he is fucking the woman that he is working for , and sorry to say , but I'd be wondering how many others he has done it to ?
Bin him off for a start , he's not worth the hassle and what he did was unforgivable .

With regard to you ex best friend , don't even look at her , she's scum as well .

You have nothing to be embarrassed about , you are the innocent party here .

@growgirl, my heart goes out to you. The double betrayal perpetrated by these poisonous snakes is beyond heinous, and the shame is theirs. The intentional choices they made to disrespect, dupe, cheat, and humiliate their partners and children are proof of their self-serving entitlement and moral bankruptcy. Believe me, those who knew about their sordid affair see them for the low-lifes they truly are.

Your H, with OW’s help, has inflicted these PTSD symptoms on you, and I gently suggest that you send him away for the time being. The presence of your abuser will likely be exacerbating your pain and confusion.

Remember that this is all on him. He is responsible for destroying the family. He chose to harm you and your children because he wanted to chase cheap thrills and ego massages with your best friend. While you were being a lovely Wife and friend, they stuck in the knife and twisted it.

I hope that you have trusted family and friends who are surrounding you with love and support. Consider accessing IC to help you gain strength, move through the grieving process, and make decisions. You would also benefit from the excellent resources and advice on the survivinginfidelity site. Check out the Just Found Out and other forums there.

I must say that I would divorce my H if he shat all over me and our child in such a horrific manner. The treachery and destruction would be too great. Knowing what he is capable of, I would not sentence myself to a life of anxiety and uncertainty. Also, I wouldn’t expose my child to such a toxic relationship model.

If, however, you are inclined to risk staying, you’d be extremely foolish to even consider doing so unless H shows abject remorse and puts in a massive amount of work, including: taking full responsibility for his unethical, abusive behavior; going totally NC with OW; giving you the full story and a complete timeline; providing open access to all devices, statements and passwords; digging deep in IC to examine his character flaws that enabled his infidelity and dishonesty; and answering all questions and taking your tears and rage whenever they come. Be aware that it can take 2-5 years to rebuild trust, and that is with a totally remorseful spouse who moves mountains. As I said above, it would be already game over for me.

I am sending you much empathy and solidarity, @growgirl.

I’m so sorry you are going through this @growgirl As others have said, the only gossip that is going around is how awful they are and no one will trust either of them again. Your ex-bf will likely be ostracised now. Who wants to be friends with someone who could do that.

It’s understandable that you can’t function right now. But I think you need space from your H. Can you stay with family for a week? Let your body recover from the shock. Leave him to deal with the children for the time being. They can be told you are visiting family.

Then when you are feeling strong enough, I would suggest you come back but ask him to stay somewhere else while you decide what you want.

You can recover from infidelity, I know people who have, but it’s not your job to fix the relationship. If he’s willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and is genuinely distraught how his actions have affected you, you’ll know. If he just wants you to get over it, move on, and never discuss it again, then there’s no point reconciling. Even with the best of intentions it will take years for you to get to a point where you don’t think about it all the time.

And I’m afraid the betrayal will likely be harder to forgive because of the circumstances. This was not a work or hobby based affair where he compartmentalised his behaviour. Your worlds were completely entangled and they both looked you in the face and repeatedly lied and made a fool of you, all for some selfish validation and excitement at your expense.

The fact your husband ended it before you found out would be the only slither of light in this whole ordeal. He made the decision it was wrong and chose your relationship without the ultimatum on the table. But that isn’t enough on its own to try again. Have some therapy and find out what YOU want. Your children will be happiest with a mum who is at peace with their decision.

Oh honey, i am so so sorry you are going through this. I have been there, just take each hour at a time. Make no decisions now because in a few months you will see things differently. As for the gossip, stick 2 fingers up to them because Karma will get them. You need time to grieve so take the time and promise your disgusting husband nothing. Use him for now until you are stronger and whilst you are save every penny you can.
Yes he is only sorry because he was caught, don't believe a word he says ever again, even if you do decide to stay.
You will get through this, you won't forget and you will never completely forgive but you can go forward.

Well the first thing to do is ditch the shame. You haven't done anything wrong and no shame at all belongs to you. So whatever you do, don't make any decisions that are based around any sense of shame because YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NONE.