Husband and best friends affair

[growgirl]

My world was turned upside down last week with the discovery of my husbands affair with my best friend at the time. It all ended last year apparently.

we looked after each others kids all the time (they are best friends), I was even picking her child up from school when they were fucking in a hotel. I think what makes this worse is I genuinely wanted to help her while her husband was working away so we were socialising all the time as she lives a few doors down. My husband was also her PT 🙄 great excuse for a couple of hours a week together I guess 😆

i comforted her when she was crying about her relationship breaking down (while she was fucking my husband) and i suspected it at one point as I would go home and he would go back for ‘one last drink’ I found it disrespectful at the time and we would argue about it all the time. I guess that’s what they spoke about when they confided in each other about their awful marriages 🤢

long story short, 2 marriages destroyed, the doctor has prescribed me diazepam to try and control how I’m feeling. He is still here at the moment as I do not feel strong enough to be in this house on my own with my kids as trying to function is impossible right now. I’ve lost half a stone in 3 days!

is this even salvageable? The levels of disrespect are off the scale in every direction I look. I just need to be stronger before I make any huge decisions. I also need to move out of this village asap. It’s gossip central and I am so ashamed. The school runs are unbearable. A few people I genuinely trusted knew and this is just another punch in the gut. He is obviously very sorry but I suspect that is because he was caught.

wise words please 🙏🏻. I am broken 😞

See a solicitor. Get it out the house. Don’t try to salvage it. He has treat you terribly! My mother was in the same situation. She tried to salvage it. He repaid her by continuing to sleep with the friend til she was pregnant.

@OchreRaven they aren't close at all, don't think they have seen each other in over a year, when we were last all together. No idea why I feel this - totally irrational and probably says more about me expecting worse case scenario and people letting me down. Don't want to derail OP's thread - but I just wanted to say to OP that it's a horrific experience that she's having and I would be dealing with it in a much worse way than she is - she might feel all these feelings but from an outside POV I think she's doing really well and gives me hope she'll come out of this shitstorm okay.

Just wanted to agree that Yes the feelings of shame should be completely theirs, but it seems common ( although misplaced) to feel sort of blemished by the shameful act. I certainly felt that.

I remember well, you feel sort of reluctant to tell people, ashamed to admit the huge shadow now cast over your marriage.

I’m trying to say although it’s unjustified, its normal to feel you’ve failed, except it isn’t you that has!

I suppose the majority of us have this ideal of a marriage and a family life we aspire to. When your DH and friend trash that ideal you feel the failure.
But it’s his failure. You were faithful. You were a good wife, good friend and good parent.

You will come through this and thrive. You deserve better. I think he needs to be asked to leave, have you any family members who can come and stay and help with the children?

It is never wrong to try and save a marriage where there is a willingness to continue and I would think long and hard about it. Take your time. Give yourself breathing room. You absolutely do not have to consider it straightaway. You can take months. You certainly don't have to go by DH's schedule!

That said, it's not just the affair, it's that it was with a 'friend' who literally lives on the doorstep. With someone to whom you confided and whose children you looked after. You were even used as a convenient baby sitter for their trysts. Other people got to know your family bedroom secrets whilst you were non-the-wiser. That is a whole other level of disrespect to consider.

However if he voluntarily ended it, that is something to perhaps consider too.

I wish you all the best, OP it hurts like hell, but I promise you'll eventually be ok, even if the marriage ends and will one day be writing reassuring advice (probably here) for some other poor woman in your shoes in years to come.

In the meantime practice self-care and remember it's not your fault💐

You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is all on him in regards to your marriage.

Personally, I couldn't come back from such a betrayal.

As a person whose dh had an affair with their best friend I wanted to send you lots of love.
It would have been in no way salvageable for me. I had 18 months of conversations, social events, comments made by either one, working out what was happening, wondering who knew what and when, to unpick . And then school and sports events with both of them there, the ways they children’s friendships were affected, and being the subject of small town gossip to navigate.
i had just started a new and big job, the day I found out. I failed my probation and ended up having pretty much a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t get my head around his or in particular oddly, her, betrayal.
you have done the right thing to get medication. I would also reccomend counselling. I had what amounted really to PTSD in the end. I moved in the end. Just 15 minutes away but it meant I didn’t have to go shopping or whatever in the same town so I didn’t have to fear seeing them. It was the only thing that helped really. That and time. It took me a good 5 years to stop replaying and reliving it all and to start moving on.
i hope it will not be so long for you.
I would get him to leave if you can. You need space to breathe, process and deal with the initial
shock.
additionally don’t cover up for them. Tell trusted friends. You need people to listen and support.

God help you.
What low lives they both are.
Cheating on their spouses and children.

Take your time and do whats best for you.
He is 100% responsible for how this affects his children.

How cavalier some men and women are with their childrens lives when they have affairs.

So sorry, OP. No stunning words of wisdom to ease the terrible pain you are experiencing right now, but you WILL get through this.💐

@isthesolution that’s awful .

You are strong, you are brave and you have got this. Take your time, be kind to yourself and then when you are ready - throw the garbage out and plan your future.
you’ll never trust him again and he has shown you exactly what he is.

Honestly you have nothing to be ashamed of. I worked overseas for a bit and one of my best friends work colleagues and friend was moving to the same country. She was very keen I offer to show her round, take her out when she was a newbie, have her over for dinner all sorts of things. She also told me that friend was moving because she had had an affair with one of the consultants at work and wasn’t really happy at work because his wife had taken him back. Needless to say her phone number went straight in the bin! I would not judge you, this is on him and her.

None of this is your fault. he’s the one breaking your family up with his actions. He’s the one who’s gonna break your kids hearts. He’s the one who’s chosen to fuck up. You should kick him out and let him stay with his family or somewhere else. Your relationship is now dead and you’ll never trust him again, which is understandable.

You won’t get past this but you WILL get through this!

Look after yourself and get some counselling.

But then you must put your armour on and fight your corner - while he still feels guilty about what he has done. That guilt will evaporate fairly quickly once he realises how much he is likely to lose in the divorce.

Some useful resources when you are ready:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitor websites

💐

I would never take a man back if he cheated on me .
Just the fact that Op would have been babysitting her kids and best friend’s kids whilst her dh was shagging the best friend is just evil imho.
I honestly don’t know how either of them sleep at night

This happened to me OP with a friend, not best friend but it’s the worst pain and disbelief, I couldn’t get my head around them both hurting me that way, I didn’t suspect a thing, unbelievable how cruel some people can be, am so sorry you’re going through this and wish there was a way magically deal with all the emotions you are going through, I lost 3 stone in weight, I truly sympathise, double betrayal is brutal

Do NOT be ashamed. You are the innocent in this, it's all them.
Get your finances sorted and get rid. Being alone is better than being treated like this sweetheart. X

I am very sorry that you had to go through something so devastating, shocking, a double betrayal. I would feel like my trust had been broken with the people you loved and trusted the most.

It is awful to go through the suffering and torment of being gas lit and deceived for so long, only to then be proved correct & dragged through more suffering.

I would start saying some positive affirmations or prayer if you’re religious & engage with a counsellor or meet to chat with your local religious leader - they can also be helpful.

A walk in the country, a swim at the public pool or something you really love. Even just curling up with Netflix and a tea at bed time.

Your husbands job is to provide anything you need even space.

I don’t know if there is a way back in your marriage but what I do know is that you are worthy of being loved & respected. You are also capable of surviving this with the right support so be sure to reach out to- GP’s etc.

Sendinf hugs.

YouI did not deserve this, you’re worthy of love, care & loyalty & even if alone or with him you can be happy again. I know that might seem unimaginable but that’s because you’re in a state of change and shock that will pass.

In terms of villages gossips - hold your head high. You’re a woman living her life & this could have happened to anyone of those jelly head gossips. It could still happen to one of those jelly heads &’it may even be happening to them right now.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and the idea that you should carry blame is unfair. It’s not nice for people to know your personal life but it’s all the more embarrassing for them to be anything other than caring and compassionate and open minded. Don’t let an affair make you move or marriage troubles. Stay where is best for you or your kids. You’ve done nothing wrong & it’s completely immature for people to gossip about a marriage or take delight or entertainment. It really is a show of their character failures - anyone who does that or thinks like that should be ashamed and has hard lessons in life waiting for them.

How old are your kids? Can you get away just for a couple of days? I’m thinking spa. Or even just a hotel with a pool.

Fuck him- let him sort out the house and the kids for now.

This happened to me - I just wanted to reassure you OP that you will one day be OK, it is a horrible awful thing to go through but you will be OK and you may even find love again with a good & trustworthy person. Then you will look back on this time and clearly see your current dh as the selfish fool that he is. But that is maybe your future and you have to deal with the here & now.

Look after yourself, this is huge, do not underestimate how big a betrayal this is and how it will shake your foundations. Have people around you that you can trust - your dh is not someone to trust, he will say anything he thinks will get him out of this situation where he has to take responsibility for how awful he has been.

Give yourself time to process all of this and be gentle on yourself - you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. These people who you trusted lied to you and betrayed you - that shows who they are, not who you are.

No it’s no salvageable.
have a bit of self worth for crying out loud. You are a goddess and he is an absolute scum
bag.

Well rid

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to be ashamed about.
Let people talk. The ones who do, are not worth your energy
Take all the time you need, but it’s had to forget betrayals like this and go back to the relationship.

He's still there. Bugger that for a game of soldiers. Get rid of him. Life will be peaceful alone and you won't be reminded every day of th3 betrayal. Shame you are losing a friend but she broke the girl code. You will move on and be fabulous. You won't always feel like this. Promise

The shame is not yours to bear my lovely, not for a single second would anyone think that. The shame is all on them. You hold your head up high. You are only responsible for your actions - theirs are on them.
Horrible double betrayal for you but you will get through this one day at a time and come to view him completely differently than before you knew what he was capable of. You deserve a million times better than low life like him (and her). Hold your head high and never doubt that you deserve, and will have, so much better.

The C###s deserve each other. You do not feel ashamed. This happened to a friend whilst she was pregnant. She got everything in order and divorced him before their 3rd child was born. The bstrds lasted only 8 months. Their exciting, disgusting vile behaviour soon faded. Which is usually the case.
You will feel absolutely devastated right now but please 🙏 please get your financial, legal, practical things in order ASAP. Get family and friends to help you.
This is paramount. I'm not gunna lie and say you'll be fine. This shit is grief. Yet honestly love you'll get there. I would have absolutely no contact with him.
Get it done through a 3rd party. This will save you from having to see the pathetic shit and keep you outa prison....cos you will feel like hurting him. Don't give either of them the air you breathe.
I hope you don't have him back but that's up to you. I didn't. Different circumstances but was an affair.
I wish I'd done this practical things earlier but I did use 3rd party so I didn't see him. Cos unfortunately we love them. You will get through this. Remember you have your dignity....they will have none or each other. Big hugs sweetheart. A xxx