Husband and best friends affair

[growgirl]

My world was turned upside down last week with the discovery of my husbands affair with my best friend at the time. It all ended last year apparently.

we looked after each others kids all the time (they are best friends), I was even picking her child up from school when they were fucking in a hotel. I think what makes this worse is I genuinely wanted to help her while her husband was working away so we were socialising all the time as she lives a few doors down. My husband was also her PT 🙄 great excuse for a couple of hours a week together I guess 😆

i comforted her when she was crying about her relationship breaking down (while she was fucking my husband) and i suspected it at one point as I would go home and he would go back for ‘one last drink’ I found it disrespectful at the time and we would argue about it all the time. I guess that’s what they spoke about when they confided in each other about their awful marriages 🤢

long story short, 2 marriages destroyed, the doctor has prescribed me diazepam to try and control how I’m feeling. He is still here at the moment as I do not feel strong enough to be in this house on my own with my kids as trying to function is impossible right now. I’ve lost half a stone in 3 days!

is this even salvageable? The levels of disrespect are off the scale in every direction I look. I just need to be stronger before I make any huge decisions. I also need to move out of this village asap. It’s gossip central and I am so ashamed. The school runs are unbearable. A few people I genuinely trusted knew and this is just another punch in the gut. He is obviously very sorry but I suspect that is because he was caught.

wise words please 🙏🏻. I am broken 😞

The only ones that should feel ashamed is your husband and friend that's f...king awful!

It's going to take time to heal but you will come out the other end.
(I doubt she will trust him can't see it lasting either)

Dont feel you have to move either focus on you and your children ignore the gossips hold your head high.

Sending you ❤️

You’ve done nothing to feel ashamed about, your DH and excuse of a friend are scum. If people are talking, that is what they will be saying. They will be looked at like the filth that they are.

I wouldn’t try and rebuild anything with him. In his line of work and using that line of work to grow closer to your friend, you will never trust him again. If he has the audacity to have an affair with your best friend, then he is probably willing to have an affair with anybody. He has proven nobody is off limits.

I’m so sorry the scum have done this to you 💐.

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Hope you head high and remember that you are a good person.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive or move past this especially given my best friend was involved. That’s a double blow.

Lean on absolutely everyone you can. Friends, family, local support etc. Let your children’s school know so they can be in the loop and keep an eye on the kids.

This may hurt like hell right now but it’s temporary and you will be happy again.

Just take it one day at a time. Try not to lose yourself in thinking about the what ifs for the future and stressing about everything and just focus on getting through 24 hour slots. Make sure you’re eating and drinking properly too.

First of all you need to move out of the village because your ashamed ???
Look in the mirror and tell yourself " him and her should be ashamed - not me!!!)
If anyone should move out then it's those two, oh he's mortified now he's been found out, tough, hold your head up, you've done nothing wrong. There's a saying "there is life after divorce" and there is, you can do it and you will do it, he's the looser. If you forgive him could you ever trust him (or her) again? Sit down, get a pen and paper and make plans, write them down, what you want to do, how you can do it, and do it! Do it for yourself and your kids, they're your family, he cheated on them as well as you. Hold your head high and let him move away if the gossips get to him. At least while they're gossiping about you they're giving someone else a rest. It will be old news soon so forget about it and get on with your life.

Their affair is not over, not emotionally anyway, they should feel ashamed, kick him out, neither of them are worth your energy, you have the strength to build a better life without them,

What a pair of shits they are to do this to you!

I think I would be making it very clear to your husband that the best he can expect at the moment is to a respectful co-parenting relationship with you.
To salvage this I suspect you would have to try to respect him which I know I struggled with when my exH announced he had been in love with someone else.

A few things

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about

YOU haven’t broken your kids hearts to pieces, HE has

TBH I’d struggle to get past this, the deceit and total lack of respect is eye watering. Plus, he didn’t come clean about this he was found out.

True, but OP is in shock. When you have gathered your strength and found your anger, OP, put his things in a bin bag outside the door, having changed the locks first. Any arguments about whose house it is, etc. can wait til later.

You have zero to be ashamed about. Your husband and the OW are the guilty ones for destroying two marriages and two families. They both should be ashamed of themselves. Unfortunately, it sounds as if, and as it is in most cases, your husband is only sorry he has been caught. You have been doubly betrayed, not only by your husband but someone else too, that you considered a friend, a best one at that. You don't need to 'do' anything right now, you are in shock and reeling. The anger will kick in big time, that's when you need to channel that into being proactive. See a solicitor to find out where you stand, most offer a 30 minute free appointment. Obtain financial details (even if at this point you may not need them). Concentrate on your children. Tell a family member, that you trust, you need support in real life. Think about what you want long-term.

The shame isn't yours. It's a sideways feeling, part of the 'I SHOULD have known' emotions. You have no shame. You just need to breathe and regroup and you will start feeling strong again.

Once you have recovered from the shock I do think you need to be pragmatic about this. It’s easy for people to say, leave him, move on, divorce etc. But in your scenario if you tell him it’s over there is a good possibility he moves in a few doors down with your ex-bff and you have to see them everyday.

You shouldn’t make him any promises but also don’t show your hand if you are planning on divorcing. If you don’t have much support locally then think about moving and have that as a condition of staying together. I would move far enough away that he wouldn’t be able to maintain a relationship with her and still be present day to day in your lives.

If you decide you have enough support where you are and don’t want to move I would make sure that they well and truly hate each other before putting the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. You pit them against each other ‘apparently ex-bff has been saying you have pursued her for years and took advantage of her vulnerability.’ Then you tell mutual friends ‘H is repulsed with himself that he ever found her attractive. He accepts he was just starved for attention but I still don’t know if I can forgive.’ Etc etc. Use the gossip mill to your advantage but act as though you are above it all. They won’t know what is true but they will always have doubt over what was said.

Then you can move on with your life knowing you helped karma do its work.

Does the OW’s H know about the affair?

I’m not saying you should tell him if he doesn’t (necessarily) but if, for example, he does know and him finding out caused the end of the affair, that’s very different to your H realising that what he was doing was wrong and stopping it by himself.

But honestly, you’re never going to trust him again, so what’s the point of staying married 🤷‍♀️

Had this done to me when I was a teenager. (I know that’s very different to a marriage). Found out he used to drop me home after a night out and go to hers. When I found out I rang another friend to tell her. Turns out everyone knew except me. The pain and devastation was awful. I felt angry, hurt and embarrassed. I can only imagine how you’re feeling OP. Sending love xx

This is horrific, no wonder you're reeling. So sorry you're having to go through this but I agree it's not something to salvage. You cannot trust him or count on his love after doing this to you - one of the worst things he could do - and as he's a PT, he'll have every opportunity to do it again with other women (and might have already done so, you'll never know as he's a proven liar). Please take care of yourself and try to keep eating to keep your strength up. You will do the right thing for your children and yourself when you get through this initial horror. I think you'll be able to feel clearer when he's gone from the home but I understand that short-term you might need him there for the DC. Just don't discount your own needs and feelings, you are important and worthy of love, whatever these two bastards have put you through.

Don't even try to salvage this relationship. The hurt and anger will never go. Can you relocate for a fresh start?
When I kicked mine out and shut the door after 15 years I felt relief and then peace.
You deserve far better, but you won't get it by hanging on to this pair.
Good luck for the future x

Sounds very familiar . I was 17 and felt sorry for a work colleque who was early 30s and a single mum .
Used to go round to her house a few evenings a week to keep her company once her child was in bed .
My boyfriend would walk me home and then go back to hers !

I saw lovebites on her neck and joked a few times I could stop visiting as she had a new sort of visitor . After a few weeks she told me it was my bf who was the night time caller .

I found out from a family member. He had already ended it apparently. I’m just taking every hour as it comes. I have actually spoken to friends and family, as has he told his family. My work are being extremely supportive too which helps. I decided to come back as it’s the only place I get a break from thinking about it or being in my house which I cannot stand 😔

Have you got proof he ended it @growgirl ?

What has he offered to do to try and repair things?

Be very kind to yourself, and try and get some fresh air 💛

I don’t have proof however most people have confirmed it had already been ended by him. Not that it’s making a blind bit of difference to how I feel right now.

You will get through this. You have have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not responsible for breaking your children's hearts. Your children will recover too, a shitty husband can still be a decent father.

Take your time and get recommendations for a solicitor. Don't immediately cut yourself off from all your friends. Yes, those who knew could have told you, but it's hard to be the messenger who blows up someone's life (and you have to be ready to be disbelieved and lose a friendship).

I just wanted to pick up on one point, OP. You have NOTHING to feel ashamed about. You have done noting wrong. But I totally understand it as I felt it when my exH left me. I felt deeply ashamed, I stayed indoors, avoided shopping in the local supermarket in case I bumped into another old school mum and would have to explain etc..

Eventually, I thought about another couple I had known a few years before. The wife had left her husband for someone she met at a hobby cub. I remembered that at the time, I had felt really bad for him. It didn't occur to me for a second that he had anything to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. I just felt sorry for him.

Please don't think that you have to relocate. Give yourself time, you will heal. Of course people will talk but they will be outraged at the behavior of your husband and best friend and very much in support of you.

There are so many words that are used around the subject ('failed' marriage'' etc.) that result in these feelings of shame. But you have nothing to feel ashamed about; you have done nothing wrong.

I hope you have supportive family that you can turn to to help you through this.

Does OW's husband know?

What does your husband have to say for himself?

Was it one of your family members or his that told you? So literally everyone knew. How? Did he/ she confide in people or they were seen together? I don’t understand how so many people could have known and not told you? And if they didn’t want to get involved then why tell you know when it’s over?

Has he offered to show you his phone or reassured you in any way, with evidence, that he ended it before you found out?

Has she tried to contact you? What’s her version of events?

Yes I made her tell him. My husband is deeply ashamed at the moment

Happened to me also with a neighbour so i totally understand the not wanting to be at home comment. I can see her garden from my window and hear her drive past. I cried in the shower every morning for months after i found out. But slowly you do get better and find yourself again. Concentrate on yourself, i didnt think i would ever make it but focusing on my job and the kids i feel i am out of the think of it. I don't feel so broken and i no longer cry every day. Im sorry this has happened to you. Take care