Boundaries

[tecbrowidow]

What's worked for you in your relationships with partners when it comes to setting and enforcing boundaries?

Depends on the boundaries surely?

And communicate, I told my boyfriend before we were a couple:

Not interested in having kids
Not interested in getting married
Won't be living together until DD13 has left school
I will not cook meals (I'll do anything else, cleaning/driving/washing/whatever)
Anal sex is absolutely off limits

Communicate the boundaries and stick to them, I'm not sure I'm understanding the question

Boundaries are for you, not others. They just communicate to others what you’ll do if they do certain things. You have to enforce your consequences for yourself for them to work.

Don't bite or squeeze my nipples it hurts. Lol anal sex when trust is established.

That's with new chap I'm seeing. My ex ignored all boundaries and we had a good chat heart to heart then he broke boundaries so packed his stuff and gone

Does your daughter cook her own meals then?

Ah, I'm okay with boundaries in sex. I'm asking about boundaries in the relationship generally like he often cancels on plans at the last minute, and that's not really acceptable to me.

If it’s not acceptable dump him.

I think people often mistake boundaries as a magical thing that will prevent people from doing things we don't like or it somehow curbs their freedom once we express that is a boundary for us. It doesn't. If you tell your boyfriend that last minute cancellations are a boundary, it doesn't mean that it becomes unreasonable for him to cancel last minute. It might mean that his flakiness when it comes to those types of plans just doesn't work for you.

It doesn't make you right and him wrong.

You don't tell him that last minute cancellations are a problem, you just bin him off because he's flaky.

That's the boundary.

I mean, you could try speaking to him and say 'these last minute cancellations are not ok with me, and the next time you do it I will dump you', but I suspect that will just be delaying the inevitable.

Boundaries are not about controlling how other people behave, they are about what you allow into your life and what you don't.

Context: we have a child and a mortgage. He didn't used to be this flakey. See my other threads for more context.

How do you search someone's previous threads?

One warning/second chance after having told him what I will/will not accept. More than that and they know your boundaries have holes they can continue exploiting.

@MyOliveHelper

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5326723-tech-bro-widow

www.mumsnet.com/talk/substance_addiction_/5324295-stoner-partner

Sorry, quoted wrong person! That was to @tecbrowidow

It's clear you havee different needs