Stoner partner

[tecbrowidow]

I recently discovered my dad (who is now in his 90s) was secretly a life-long alcoholic. My mum kept this secret from me and my siblings. I feel like things are starting to make sense and unravel at the same time. I realize I've often had relationships with men with substance abuse issues, normally I haven't noticed until I've got attached and it makes so much sense now because my biggest male role model demonstrated all the behaviors of an addict without me knowing that's what he was. So on to my partner who I've been with since 2018. He uses cannabis. He tends to vape cannabis on his own after I've gone to sleep at night. If I get up before he goes to bed his office often smells like weed. I've asked him again and again to let me know when he's using because I need to know if I can rely on him for support with our (3yo) child overnight or not. He's convinced that he's not using too much, he likens his cannabis use to someone having a small glass of wine in the evening from time to time. I don't use cannabis, so I have no frame of reference to know whether he's being realistic with himself. What I do know is he's very avoidant when it comes to discussing relationship issues and he's not fully capable of ordinary adult life, like he wears clothes with big holes in because he can't get his head around buying his own clothing, and he doesn't maintain consistent contact with his friends or family (they tend to check in with me to make sure he's alive). I feel overwhelmed with work and childcare most of the time and I think if he cut down his cannabis use it would take the pressure off me, but he just doesn't see it that way and gets defensive when I raise it. I don't feel like there's much advice out there for people in relationships with cannabis users. It's different from alcoholism. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me on managing life with a cannabis using partner?

Whatever the substance is, the fact is that he’s an adult who is not taking care of himself, ignoring your wishes, avoiding his relationship responsibilities to your DS and stinking the house out regularly with a drug that is currently illegal (in the UK).

What do you take that’s positive from the relationship and why are you existing in this relationship where there seems to be so little respect?

Id be focusing on those issue with him rather than clashing over the weed use.

he's not fully capable of ordinary adult life,

It doesn't matter if he is an addict or the kindest person eva! You are not his mother or therapist, you have your own child to look after, therefore you leave. Give your own child a better chance of not having their own dysfunctional relationship later on.

Positives:

• he does drop off and pick up for nursery 4 days a week
• he cooks half the week and cleans the flat at the weekend when I take our child on play dates
• he takes our child out at the weekend for a few hours so I can have a break
• he's nice company on date nights (but we don't have date nights very often)

Negatives:

• after our child goes to sleep if I'm still awake he normally doesn't spend time with me. Instead he works late in his office, and he vapes cannabis while he works. I'm lonely most days
• he's patchy on emotional support
• he rarely does stuff to make me feel cherished or special (like he totally opted out of mother's day and took a work call during the day out I'd arranged for us on my birthday)

The only stoner I know chose to be childfree and he’s doing well, but it’s because he and his wife have minimal obligations so it’s a non issue.

People underestimate weed addiction, which he seems to suffer from if it’s so constant. Would he be open to listen to your concerns?

I’m sorry you’ve not had more responses on this thread OP, bumping for you.

Aside from addressing the substance issue. Have you tried talking to him about how alone you feel and that you’d like more stimulation and emotional support from him?

@ItsCalledAConversationI've tried. He's really avoidant. I think there's a lot going on for him between his dad abandoning him as a child and his mum being fairly emotionally unavailable. He can't really label his own emotions and he struggles to deal with it when I have emotions at the surface. He wants the world rational. I've done counselling with a Emotionally Focused Therapy expert and read some books on EFT and that helps. Basically he's avoidant and I'm anxious, so part of the picture from my side is learning how to discuss my deep down feelings of loneliness and isolation without using sarcasm or barbed comments. I find that genuinely very difficult, but sometimes it strikes a chord with him and I see some change. Other times I'll try to confide in him and he'll judge my emotions to be led by something irrational and dismiss them entirely. I feel like the cannabis plays a role when he's not sympathetic towards me, but because he doesn't tell me when he's stoned it's hard for me to know if it's the right time to bare my emotions or not. And anyway, sometimes emotions are just there, I hate feeling like I have to postpone them for when he's going to be ready, but maybe that's something I need to get better at.

Instead he works late in his office, and he vapes cannabis while he works. I'm lonely most days

Is he vaping cannabis in your home?

@BodenCardiganNot yes, he vapes cannabis in our home

So you and your child are inhaling the smoke? Do your clothes smell of weed?

I honestly think you’re looking at it the wrong way and placing the blame on you, this isn’t something you need to get better at, it’s something he needs to sort out for himself if he wants to be a present father and partner.

My partner is an addict - we met when he was sober, then went through a relapse, then accepted medical help instead of trying to be sober on his own. Some people can do it, but he can’t.

He was also extremely avoidant while relapsing (which in turn made me crazy anxious), the only thing that made me stick around is that he has always been OTT supportive, the type to go above and beyond when he’s his “normal” self. I think you really need to find out if this person is worth it or not. Weed is a lazy drug, he’ll always be a bum if he doesn’t sort it out and you’ll be picking after two children.

@BodenCardiganNot no, at its worst I can smell weed in the corridor outside the room he vapes in (the office). My clothes never smell like weed

Are you not worried about your daughter inhaling it?

@BodenCardiganNot I've asked my partner about this and my understanding is that because he vapes rather than smokes it's cleaner in general. Also the smell tends to be contained in the office, so I don't think that is getting out beyond there.