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Original poster

Would you go to a party if you knew someone you had a fling with 14 years ago was going?

26 replies

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 11:33

DH & I happily married for 10 years.

We got together about 4 years before getting married.

When I was first going out with DH, but before it got serious, I went out a few times with a bloke from work, and we spent a night together.

It wasn't particularly great. He moved away for work soon after. Nothing else happened. Although DH vaguely knows the bloke (also from work) he obviously didn't know there had ever been anything between us.

I realised I wanted to be with DH, and we've been happily married since.

HOWEVER we've now been invited to an old friend's party of about 20 people, and this bloke will be one of them. I can't decide whether we should go, or if I should try to get out of it (which won't be easy),

I'm pretty sure he's married or in a relationship now too, and I can't imagine why/ how he would say anything, but if he did, I know it would upset DH.

I can't quite imagine what it will be like when we see each other again - might feel a bit strange trying to 'act normally'.

What do you think?

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 19/05/2008 11:41

I would tell DH about it (without making it a big deal) and see how he feels about going to the party. No way should you go without having told DH first - if the subject was mentioned then he'd be mortified to find out about it that way. From the way you describe it, you weren't unfaithful, so DH has no reason to have a problem with it, though obviously only you know how he feels about your previous relationships.

Original poster

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 11:55

No - I don't want to tell DH, it just doesn't seem to warrant that importance IYSWIM.

I keep telling myself it was 13 years ago, and why would I be worried? And I don't think the bloke is anything other than decent and sensible - not the sort to get drunk, march up to DH and go 'whahey, I shagged your wife you know'.

The slightly difficult bit is that at the time he knew I'd just started seeing DH, so I don't know if he would feel that I chose Dh over him??

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mumblechum · 19/05/2008 12:00

I'd go, but that's prolly because in the small town where dh & I got together, eventually everyone had shagged everyone else at some point

Divastrop · 19/05/2008 12:02

if the situation were reversed,what would you want your dh to do?

i think i personally would rather we went to the party and i remained in blissful ignorance.

this man is unlikely to say anything(if you'd broken his heart and he's been pining for you for 13 years im sure you'd have heard about it at some point),so its probably better just to go and pretend you dont remember him anyway.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 19/05/2008 12:02

This has happened to me! The other guy was with his wife too, it was fine.

JakesMum05 · 19/05/2008 12:06

Personally, unless the party is a really close friend or they might be offended if you don't go, i wouldn't go.

Chances are he won't say anything but it's not worth the 'just in case' aspect.

If you really don't want your DH to find out (totally understand and agree with that btw) leave it. Can you trust the party holder enough to explain the truth of why you don't want to go perhaps? if not just say someone is a bit under the weather (old excuse but you can't argue with it)

Good luck

Original poster

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 12:07

Oh prof - really! Did you exchange any funny looks or anything, or both just pretend nothing had happened?

I'm pretty sure this bloke can't have ever told anyone either, or else our friends would probably have mentioned it, or not invited us!

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Sanctuary · 19/05/2008 12:07

I would go its unlikely he is going to say something to your DH
.It was before the two of you got serious so nothing to worry about

Its not a big deal so dont make it into one otherwise you wont be able to act "normal"

Original poster

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 12:11

DH is quite 'traditional' though. He would consider that we were 'going out' (i.e. a couple) at that point. I still thought I was checking out my options .

DH will want to go to the party - it is local friends who we see 2 or 3 times a year. And actually, I'd quite like to go too....

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Sanctuary · 19/05/2008 12:15

Well go and enjoy it
Dont worry about this other person or it will ruin the night for you it was a long time ago and it wasnt a case of you being unfaithfull

AMumInScotland · 19/05/2008 12:19

Could you sort of change the dates, so you tell DH that this guy was a short-lived relationship, but before you started going out with him? That might cover any vague mentions of it (say, if he has told his wife/girlfriend about you). Couples vary in how much they tell each other about their past history - it could be awkward if he has given full details to new partner and just assumes you've mentioned him to DH in the same way.

GooseyLoosey · 19/05/2008 12:25

No, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to tell dh as it would not be important to me but I suspect that he would give it an importance it did not warrant. Much easier not to take the risk.

windygalestoday · 19/05/2008 12:27

i think you either go and if hes there just say hi and be laid back if he mentions it to your dh be vaugue ........or you develop a migraine just b4 the party.......

Pheebe · 19/05/2008 12:31

I think you're over analysing. It was 14 years ago, everyone has a past, who cares. If he was that cut up about you 'choosing' DH over him you'd have heard about it by now. Go, have a good time, compare how your lives have panned out

MABS · 19/05/2008 12:39

I'd go, and make sure you look fab!

noddyholder · 19/05/2008 12:40

mabs i was going to say that but thought i'd look shallow you beat me to it!Hope you are ok btw i would come to see you but can't because of chickem pox!

clutteredup · 19/05/2008 12:54

Same thing happened to me, we went to a wedding where an ex passionate few months fling was there ( which did sort of overlap with the beginning of DH - mind you he was engaged to someone else at the time so you can't blame me for keeping my options open) this makes me sound awful - it was many years ago
Anyway DH knew about this bloke although not all the details. We went and all was fine, he was with his wife, and he said something nice to me like , 'You haven't changed at all' - which made me go a bit weak at the knees. Anyway that was it really we didn't get a lot of chance to chat as his wife kept him well away from me!! Clearly she knew about it too!!
You'll be fine - if DH does find out can't you say soemthing like - oh yes I told you years ago don't you remember - if he's anything like mine he'll just think it was another time when he wasn't listening!!

madamez · 19/05/2008 12:58

FFS! Go to the party, and enjoy it. WHatever you got up to with the chap was 14 years ago: he might have forgotten all about it (especially if he was/is a bit of a fanny rat) and even if he hasn't., if he was a pleasant bloke then he's probably still a pleasant bloke now, so why on earth would he want to cause you any bother. If anything's mentioned at all, just say to your DH, oh I told you at the time - absolutley no need to make a big deal out of something so unimportant.

MABS · 19/05/2008 13:01

(Noddy - i am shallow...)

Original poster

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 13:17

Yes - of course you're all absolutely right.

Good idea about saying to Dh "I told you about this x years ago, you've forgotten" because he always does!

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Original poster

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 13:21

Plan B: Think I will probably have a coffee with the wife of the couple having the party and casually ask who is coming and find out what he's up to these days - if married/ kids etc. I would rather know before I get there!

Also, I will find out if he is definitely going or not - he may not be!

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littlewoman · 19/05/2008 14:30

It was fourteen years ago. If you want to go, I would go. If he says anything I'd tell him he's got his timeline wrong. Say you were with another bloke when that happened, not with DH.

It's hardly likely to be top of his priorities to blab on you. You clearly feel guilty about the fling and are perhaps worrying more than the situation warrants, because I doubt he'll say anything. It would be a bit tasteless of him to mention it in front of both your partners, so I doubt he would, unless he's a prize banana.

Original poster

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 14:37

at littlewoman... the voice of reason methinks!

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chunkychips · 19/05/2008 14:41

I would definitely go. Can't imagine he'll bring up anything embarrassingly intimate while your dh is standing there and if dh knows you used to work with him then he won't wonder how you know him. Would want to know what he looks like etc. You could mention after you've spoken to him that you went out for a couple of weeks, when you were working together (obviously not mentioning the crossover!) but it's not really necessary.

Original poster

cornflakemum · 19/05/2008 14:49

Ah - therein lies the problem - DH knows him too, as we used to all work in the same, very big, office.

He end up talking to DH, and I will be straining my ears to hear what they are saying .

Or, I will have to attach myself, limpet-like, to DH's side all evening, and then he WILL get suspicious!

I'm very curious to see what he looks like - am hoping he has put on a few pounds (because I have!)

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