Husband choosing mother first

[Dominated2016]

Been with my husband over 35 years but has always deferred to mother. I know I cannot change this situation but just looking for support for other women in the same situation. This is not something that will change as mother in law has an extremely dominate influence in husband's life.

He's a mummy's boy.

Best thing to do is let him get on with it. Sorry not very helpful, go have a bubble bath & a nice glass of wine when he gets on your nerves with his mother.

Is she very elderly now ??

Just for acknowledgement is a big help, feel like I am on my own but this helps

Yes but her demands and personality have not changed and so not due to her age

I hope you have been or will be putting yourself first op, if he won't put you first then don't do it for him, look after yourself and leave him to it.

My DH is the same. He was brought up on guilt and emotional blackmail in lieu of unconditional love, so I have to pity her and make allowances for him. She won't always be around.

Same here, only really noticed when we had a child as to how bad it was. I do worry for him when she passes as I am not sure how he's going to handle it.

You don't have to. You should be able to put yourself first.

A friend was in this situation. When the MIL 'passed' (as we must say, I think?) she said to me 'The old witch has pegged it!'. Personally I would not have remained, but everyone is different, I suppose. By the way, friend's hubby seemed to recover quite quickly (£800K house with 2 acres might have helped).

Thank you for your support, I will continue to support myself, just very difficult to empathise with someone who is so narcissistic, by saying this it is clear to me that I cannot change anything but just accept what is happening. This helps hugely and puts things in perspective.

yes - he told me - in a resigned sort of tone -

“you will just have to accept her the way she is”
not bloody likely, says I

she is long gone now as is the marriage/husband,
I was always an adjunct, addressed by his ex girlfriends
name even after two children - it isn’t healthy, as though
he was still a dependent, rather than a man/husband/daddy

Good for them, my M I L has told me there will inheritance as her children can look after themselves but at the same time we are required to look after her - so deep breaths and just get on with it

Dh gets on with it.. I don’t get involved. He is very emershed with his family.

If I had realised how enmeshed their relationship was I would not have stayed, but now with child things aren't that easy to walk away. I do not want to leave my child with him and her as I don't want my daughter to think this kind of family behaviour is normal. I have said to my other half I will not be doing any caring in old age, she will be going to a home etc even though she's told me she will never go in a care home 🫠 keeps saying she's going to unalive (not sure of terminology these days) any day, which makes my other half very upset and worried all the time, and feels he has to visit/call all the time, really mean and controlling, makes me angry? as think I am the only one that sees how manipulative she is!

It feels so unfair as I considered myself a good parent and would never behave as my mil has and it is not an age thing as my own mother was the same age and completely different - just venting as I know my MIL is so selfish

Why is this mothers and sons? Not fathers and daughters or mothers and daughters (I'm sure there are but we don't hear of them). What is it about that dynamic that turns men into mummy's boys? I have a DS and it absolutely not what I want for him. He needs to enjoy the world not hang around with his mum all the time doing what I say (the odd cup of tea though would be lovely 😂)

I'm surprised you've lasted 35 years. 35 minutes would have done me in.
You deserve a medal.
Let your DH deal with her and don't get involved with any of her shit anymore.
Free yourself

@dominated2016 totally understand you! It's really sick and twisted wonder what has happened to the MILs to make them behaviour in this way?

Er, why, exactly? Get on with it, I mean. (Did you mean to type 'my M I L has told me there will be no inheritance'?)

You aren't caring for her I hope.

@AzureAnt

35 minutes would have done me in.

Me too.

I understand this as my closest friend's dh and his dm are in a very enmeshed situation which was the result of a tragic loss in the family some years ago. The MIL has subsequently used that as her play for the sympathy card at every opportunity in an attempt to pull rank. It's quite grotesque to hear about. She also happens to be very manipulative and conniving, putting friend's dh under huge emotional pressure often with unreasonable demands on his time and energy at the cost of his own family. Friend's MIL has also taken against her as she won't just go along with it all so is now seen as the enemy by her MIL. Friend is now battling with setting boundaries to prevent her MIL bringing her toxic behaviour to her children. A nightmare situation to deal with and emotionally draining. I brace myself for the lastest updates from friend as she feels stuck and I can only offer a supportive shoulder to cry on.

It's very disturbing how some mothers use their children as validation for their own narcissistic tendencies, very difficult for partners to deal with these conditioning situations their partners have grown up with

The enmeshment and manipulation must start from an early age for it to be so engrained. I've seen MIL when she loses it on a couple of occasions, it's like she's possessed and gone total crazy and out of control. It's strange to watch, it's like she is a spoilt brat. The family seem to be scared of this situation so just do what she says, whereas I would be like 'see you later, call me when you're feeling better or can talk to me properly'

Total selfish self-absorbed woman whose perspective is that she is the most amazing person who has deigned to walk this earth - absolutely nowhere to go with her and especially as DH is shit scared of her