Writing this after about three hours sleep, since knobhead ex-DH brings the kids home at the earliest possible second after their night with him.
So last night I had a Tinder date! Exciting. First shag in almost a year! But it was just a comical disaster from start to finish due to the absolute weirdo man. He seemed nice on the phone and normal on the texts. Got a bit flirty, we agreed to meet for a drink on the tacit understanding that shenanigans was almost certain to occur. He booked a nearby room.
The following three things will make me chuckle for many a year:
- Not. A. Single. Pube.
What the fuck is that about? I don’t mean some kind of neck down alopecia. I mean that he had a hairy body except for a kind of crop circle weird thing going on near his dick! Why why why? I am by no means a hairy woman. I shaved the parts necessary for politeness, and made my bits look pretty. But him? Jesus. Clearly wanted me to doubt he’d gone through puberty.
-
As he was about to come, he said ‘orgasm… Orgasm!!! ORGASSSMMMM!!!’ This was new to me! And possibly new to science. And I was lying there thinking ‘Yep. That’ll be what you’re feeling. Any chance of giving me one too?’ No, was the answer. And no need to say it out loud mate. It’s the normal ending.
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He stole my knickers! Afterwards, we were getting dressed and I couldn’t find them. It’s not like they’d been thrown out the window in a fit of passion. I searched for ages! Gave up, got dressed, and then he pulled them out of his pocket and was like ‘Surprise!’ as if it was a hilarious joke. What a knob!
Why are even seemingly normal men such absolute weirdos??