To those of you who were pushed into a divorce you never saw coming....

[chilliandcake]

..... how are you getting on now?
I divorced my ex of 25 years as he had an affair and got the other woman pregnant. I hate that, 6 years on from divorce, I still think about it daily. I would NEVER go back there and have no feelings for him at all (other than repulsion) but I just can't get him out of my head. I heard our wedding song on the radio today and was furious with myself for not being able to just 'not remember' these things.

Together 28 years married 24. Didn’t come home from work one day. Out of the blue but the context was a long history of unmanaged mental illness.
divorced within 6 months, was devastated. Cried every day for 6 months. 4 years later barely give him a thought. We are no contact as no children, but feels like it was another lifetime.
have you had therapy op?
I did therapy it was very useful to help me let go.

You are missing the version of him and the picture of him and the future you thought you would have. You don't miss him you miss what you thought he was

Am 4.5 years on and feel lonely. It was a 16 year relationship. Id like to meet someone else but am in my 50s and cannot face online dating. My life revolves around work and parenting. It feels overwhelming at times.

Husband of 10 years - together nearly twenty - left whilst I was at the shops with 3 young children - 2 under age of 2. Sent me a message. That was it.

Having the kids meant I just had to pick myself up and carry on, keep a routine going for them (he doesn't really see them) protect them as much as possible.

It was only about 9 months later after the divorce was finalised that I finally broke down about it all. And grieved for the life we had, the life I thought we had together and the life I thought we would have growing old together.

It's been less than 2 years and there are still moments that hit me - songs, films, just being sat alone downstairs once the kids are asleep and there is no one to talk too. I'd never take him back. He's like a stranger to me - he isn't the man I married and had children with - which makes it easier in many ways. If we didn't have children I'd happily never see him again

Thanks for these responses. I think the total shock is still the hardest thing to cope with.

He left late 2021 saying he didn't love me any more. Totally blindsided me.
He has a shag buddy, no idea if she was around when he decided to leave or not.
Divorced early 2023.
I hate it and still wonder what happened to the man I met and married. (Together 14 years, married 12)
Another man may help me get over it but I don't have time and there is noone out there anyway for a late 40s women. Unless you fancy men in their 60s. I don't.

I never miss him. Ever. But he did something so evil and repugnant that it zapped any longing for what once was, which, ironically, I have felt angry about. I’ve resented not being able to mourn and miss him, us. He even took that away from me. Our wedding photos and everything to do with us were destroyed. I’m left with the memory of something that never was and a man who embodied nothing but deceit.

What I experience sometimes are little panic attacks. Like the other day, I was walking down a beautiful road in our old neighbourhood, looking at all the rows of perfectly presented houses, lights glowing from inside such pretty, orderly front rooms, such pristine spaces where everyone else’s marriages have worked out and life has just carried on. I just cried and tried breathing techniques to calm down. It’s so easy to just do marriage right. It really is. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s work. If you’re nice people, it can be such a good thing. It takes so much bad energy and gruelling stress to fuck it all up. And yet, an extraordinary amount of men choose to just fuck it up. It’s amazing how much an unhappy, greedy little wanting penis wrecks so many lives. It actually astounds me! One bit of gross looking anatomy destroys everything. Something to ponder on a Monday morning.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater I don't think I've ever read such a brutally honest and profoundly insightful post on MN that your one above.

I hope your panic attacks lessen, with time. You sound wonderful.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater what a great post.

I too walk past people's cosy homes, all secure and safe looking and bitterly remember how I have lost that for my children because of my fucktard ex.

Obviously I know shit happens in every house but we lost our home because of him, his affairs, his violence and verbal abuse.

I loathe him. And cannot wait for our divorce to be finalised.

Oh god, me too. There is a street I do on my sunday dog walk with beautiful family houses, picture perfect.

I used to feel such utter sadness and despair walking up there, that I wasted so much time with my exh, and more than that, I sold a London property to clear his debts while we were married, and ended up clearing my savings in a costly divorce, reducing my income to support my son and keep a roof over our heads when he just disappeared out of our lives and refused to financially support DS. It used to break my heart. I'm too old to ever have that opportunity back.

Now I walk there with a melancholy feeling that it was never my chance because I chose the guy. But I try to turn it around and feel happy for the people living there and how lucky they are to live good lives, and how I'll never make those mistakes again.

With my ex husband most of my life, childhood sweethearts then met up years later as adults and married for 17 years.
He had a long affair with my best friend but never told me at all instead he just left after about a year of it telling me it was my fault that he was unhappy and implying I was paranoid when I asked if anybody else was involved.
I found out the truth six months later by sheer chance when throwing out an old joint computer and getting photos of my pets off it to save.
He had left his phone synced to our pc so I suddenly saw photos of the two of them together going back ages.
It was like being stabbed. She was still acting my best friend at the time but unbeknownst to me had thrown her husband out and moved mine in.
That was 4/5/2016 and I still can’t get over it. Mostly the prolonged deceit and cruelty. It made me feel I never actually knew either of them at all.

I met my husband at 47 who was 2.5 years older than me. I am happy post divorce and loved my 2nd wedding. We had so much fun. If you want it, it could be out there but if you don't, then that is fine too!

@Blackcats7 bloody hell. How do they sleep at night?

Just awful people.

Do you find yourself not trusting even friends anymore let alone a romantic partner?

I can't imagine what it must be like to be in partnership with someone who doesn't lie, cheat, scream and make scenes with vicious words.

Divorced 5 years now after their affair. They moved in together very quickly as the affair partner was homeless following their own divorce.

Kids split 50/50. I couldn't care less about the ex now but it annoys the shit out of me when I see the occasional picture or video (kids phones/apps) of the affair partner trying to play as parent to my kids. You may have taken my ex but keep your stinking hands off my kids you fucking scumbag snake!

As for me, I own a lovely new house perfect for the kids and I. Also I'm 3 and a bit years into a new relationship with a lovely ambitious kind partner with their own kids and house.

Since the divorce I realised I was low level coercivelly controlled, and have really found myself. New hobbies, new friends and a whole new lease of life.

Although I hate the kids going to their house on my off weeks, I really enjoy the freedom I have to go out and enjoy time with my partner, friends or just by myself.

I wouldn't go back to the 'before' me for 5 million pounds.

@BlastedPimples it made me feel so stupid that I hadn’t seen what was happening. She was the most skilled liar I have ever met and was talking to me everyday, letting me cry in her arms and once when she took me out for lunch because I wasn’t eating and I said I still wondered if he had someone else she actually asked me if I had any idea who it might be!
It made me see that ultimately most people apparently have no morals and act in their own interest at any cost.
His lies were more by omission because after initially asking him I didn’t push it. He just pretended he was living in a flat rather than at her luxury home.
When I eventually found out the truth and tried to speak to him he laughed at me and threatened to call the police if I made a scene.
This was the same man who had told me I was his soul mate and he would never leave me.
It was like he had died and an alien was in his body.
I don’t think I ever will get over it and I could never love or trust another man.
And trust very few women.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater

Wow, what a post. May I ask did your partner ever admit how evil he acted towards his family and your home. And I agree with your statement that it's easy to do marriage right, the bad energy required to fuck it up is just that, how much effort some men use to destroy anything good.
There is no equalibrium in a marriage with a bad man, they suck the life out of any nice energy, it's not just about infedelity, an underlying mean streak that I wouldn't wish upon anyone, I still can't believe how far he travelled down the path of no mercy. If he had just left.

@BlastedPimples Lie, Cheat and Scream, yup, vicious words and violence.

I aways thought what's the point, it's not like he's happy now, what was all that energy for.

@Blackcats7

So you think he moved on for the money and lifestyle.

What a pair of c....

XH came home one day and said our marriage was over. I had absolutely no idea and he'd spent a year prepping, basically. Got himself a solicitor, emotionally prepared himself and got himself a new partner lined up. We'd been together since late teens and were approaching 30. Our finances etc had been looking up and he destroyed it all.
However, I have been remarried for a long time, I am doing better than I could have imagined and I've never had to deal with him again, as we had no kids and he ghosted me as soon as the decree nisi appeared. I consider it short term pain for long term happiness and gain for sure.

@Blackcats7 don't you dare feel stupid.

They both sound like psychopaths.

Your 'friend' actually comforted you? I am slack jawed at what has happened to you.

Such trauma. They are extreme cases of appalling behaviour. Not everyone is like this. Although I too find it hard to believe.

Have you had counselling or psychological help of any kind?

Married 28 years. Together 30+. Left for (later married) affair with younger junior work colleague. Such a cliche!!

9 years on. I do think of him. But he was an inadequate, who I married because he was like my family and familiar. We didn’t have the language to really talk to each other, to know each other. I’ve had (can you tell?) therapy, had some more when parents died as that brought up our marriage. I am more me than I have ever been. I do look back but not with regret, I do think about him and talk about him with the children. But I don’t hate him any more, and more importantly I love me. If you can get to loving yourself, it’s easier to let go of the past, I find.

I would say this is very true. I realised recently I was so glad to rid of my lazy and useless husband. What I missed was being married....but not to him unfortunately and the dream I had built up about our future which was clearly ridiculous. Its just so easy to live in fairyland. Life is better now.

@Blackcats7 - how freaky! That was the exact same day I found out about my husband's affair!!

That may be true but it doesn’t necessarily make things any easier. Grieving a future you thought you would have is very difficult.

yeah I completely agree.. I didn't mean it in that way but it does sound harsh. I think most people come to that realisation eventually but it does take time and it's still hard getting to that point.

When it happens and you were not expecting it it is a completely traumatic event . And then having to deal with the practicalities of divorce just adds to it . I could just about function as my kids were older. Diagnosed with PTSD . I never knew it could be this bad. And I often wonder when you pass people on the street how many women are struggling with all this like me. Heroes as they are taking care of DCs working and dealing with the knowledge that the one person that you totally trusted has betrayed you so badly. And doesn't even seem remorseful. Some people are so selfish so focused on their own agenda that wives and children mean nothing . Don't know how they justify it to themselves.